I was told about 6 weeks ago (before Halloween) by my husband of 20 years that he did not want to spend the next 20 years with me and wanted to move out. Over the next 3 weeks, we had long talks into the night, lots of sex, but nothing would budge him. In the second 3 weeks since the bomb dropped, I decided that all the discussions were pushing him farther away, and decided to just touch him lovingly in bed and have nice discussions of our day and family in bed and at dinner. The strangest thing is that in all this time (the full 6 weeks since his announcement), he was kind and happy within the context of our family - nice to me, nice to the kids, played games all together, requested certain dinners which I made for him and he thanked me for, gave me kisses at the beginning and end of every day and acquiesced to going on 2 dates. But 2 days before Thanksgiving, he informed me that he got the keys to an apartment and was moving out 2 days after Thanksgiving. 2 nights before he moved out, he snuggled up to me and spooned me in bed. There has been no awkwardness or tenseness in our daily interactions in the home before he moved out: People would find hard to believe, but it's true.
We told the kids on Friday -Boy, 11, girl 8, they were devastated and so am I. He moved out on Saturday. I am so sad and oddly, even though one of the characteristics that has pushed him away from me is that I get angry and yell at him on occasion, I am not angry at him and am having the hardest time accepting this. I have been anxiety-ridden all the time the last 6 weeks. He says he has been feeling this for a long time - He is not in love with me anymore - but he never said anything! I just don't understand how the problems between us are not worth working on - they do not seem so deep compared to other couples'. Any help or support appreciated. Thank you.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Sorry you are here. The emotions and confusion you are going through are completely normal and understandable given the situation. We've all been there and can empathize with what you are feeling. It really is the pits, but you can and you will get through this.
Read everything Cadet gave you. Once you do, you will realize that this situation has very little to do with anything you have done or could have done differently. And you will have some strategies and insight that will be VERY helpful as you navigate this painful situation.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
So sorry you are here. At Tiger said, read Cadet's information - it will help. And get DR.
You will find a lot of support from the people here. We know how you're feeling right now - we've all been there. We know that with the knowledge and support you will find here, you can find ways to weather the storm and stay strong.
2t2m
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
It sounds like you are in a bit of shock right now, which is very understandable.
Much of what you have shared is typical of those on this board. There is a huge surreal aspect to the bomb drop.
Please read read read. Read what Cadet has posted, read Divorce Busters and read the threads here on the DB boards. Also post as much as you can. This is an excellent place to vent your feelings because we've all been there.
Take care of yourself; be sure to eat healthily, get some exercise and enough rest. This journey is exhausting.
Best of luck.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
So very sorry you found yourself in the club that no one wants to willingly join.
MizJ is likely right, you are in shock. Do you feel a bit like the Tin Man, functioning on autopilot but hollow? That was me six weeks out. Still in denial as well. We here feel your pain.
You will hear this quite a bit here, but keep your focus on you right now. Getting through a day can feel like walking through molasses.
Protect yourself. He left you and your kids. Get to a lawyer and know your rights and his obligations. Golfmom has a very good thread on this subject. She has been through it. Take her advice.
Make sure you take care of you. Hard to eat and sleep? Try.
DX if you got the Speech I love you but..... That usually means there is someone else already lurking in the picture. I am so sorry, there is no way to break that news gently. Be aware, especially when it comes to your own health.
I'm so very sorry you're here but there's lots of really good people in this place. It's safe and we understand.
Read cadet's posts and, as hard as it is to imagine, you'll need to do as Portia said and see a lawyer about your rights. Some of them get angry and with the anger comes unbelievable nastiness.
We are here for you!
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Thank you so much for the replies already - you are all correct that I can't believe it. I am in the surreal position that this is mostly being blamed on my tendency to anger and blow up at him (which he started writing down in the last year, but only recorded two times) - but I do not feel any anger at him! I am also already shellshocked to read the advice about a lawyer and rights - I can't believe it, because that is so contrary to where my head is at and - strangely though it would seem - I still trust him. We see each other every day because of the kids. I just can't get my head around this.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Making my way through cadet's excellent links. Kids were very sad and difficult this morning. I have the urge to call and share with husband, but am trying to go dark. Wow. I had reached some peace on the (long) drive into work yesterday, but in the afternoon then slid back into obsession about it. How do you read through so much, and yet get some distance at the same time to focus on other things?
Thanks again for the community!!!
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
