Wife Said She's Done

[OneDay]

Im sure like most, I cant believe this is happening. Heres my story and I'll try to keep it short

We've been married 9 years and have 2 boys (7 and 10). She is a good Christian women who has a strong faith and enjoys church very much. (Me, not as much). She has always said that she will never divorced, but that all changed. 6 weeks ago, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. (I actually pulled it out of her because all she could say is she was done).

She has been asking me for a few years to stop drinking and dipping and that we needed to get help. (She Drinks Occasionally) When she mentioned we needed help, I would tell her that she could go get help, because the last couple times we went to counseling it seemed like things would change for a bit, then go back to the way they were. Now just so everyone knows I would have 3-5 drinks every night, yes every night. Now even though I would drink, I would still be productive,and help with the kids. I was not a mean person when I was drinking, but I would get overly chatty.

I told her I was willing to do anything and she said at the very least I needed to move out for awhile. So I stopped drinking and dipping, Started working out and going to church while I stayed at my mothers house for 5 weeks. I didn't talk to her much, but I did have the kids every weekend and when we did talk it was only about the kids. Everyone including my counselor said I need to come home so she could see the changes I have made. I told her I was coming home and she did not like that at all. At first she said that she was moving out, then she called later that day and said we are sleeping in separate rooms.

I then found out, the day after I told her I was coming home, that she started the initial filing with an Attorney. She has not filled for divorce yet, but tells me she's done. We really dont talk about it too much.

[Cadet]

Welcome to DB

Have you read the DB or DR book?
Start with that.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

[OneDay]

Well thanks, but easier said than done. I've started working out, and reading more, but other than that, not too much. Im trying to detach, but Im still living at home and have 2 kids to help with.

I dont call or text and when Im home I wait for her to talk first.

Im going out this Friday, and possibly Saturday night

[AnotherStander]

She has been asking me for a few years to stop drinking and dipping and that we needed to get help. (She Drinks Occasionally)

I'm curious why you threw that bolded part in, do you think she's being hypocritical? There is a HUGE difference between drinking 3-5 drinks a night and just having a social drink now and then.

When she mentioned we needed help, I would tell her that she could go get help, because the last couple times we went to counseling it seemed like things would change for a bit, then go back to the way they were.

So why would she think now is any different? What are YOU doing differently this time? DB'ing is about you putting forth 100% of the effort and not expecting anything of her for now.

Now even though I would drink, I would still be productive,and help with the kids.

I am not an expert on alcoholism, but I've been around others who went through this and this is a pretty common excuse, and usually not at all true. My dad used to say he was a "happy drunk", but he wasn't, he was abusive and violent. Your W's perception of how you are/ were when drunk may be quite different than yours.

So I stopped drinking and dipping, Started working out and going to church while I stayed at my mothers house for 5 weeks.

That's a great start. You also need counseling, and probably anon. But 5 weeks is just a start, your W is going to need to see months and months of consistent, improved behavior before she starts to believe the changes are real and not just tricks to get her back.

I told her I was coming home and she did not like that at all.

You shouldn't have moved out to begin with, but move back in if you can. If she decides to move out then let her, don't try to stop her.

She has not filled for divorce yet, but tells me she's done. We really dont talk about it too much.

All WAS's say that, but some do decide to reconcile later. It's best not to talk about it. See Sandi's rules.

[OneDay]

I'm curious why you threw that bolded part in, do you think she's being hypocritical? There is a HUGE difference between drinking 3-5 drinks a night and just having a social drink now and then.

No i dont think she is hypocritical I know I had a problem with drinking and part of me has to thank her for the D wake up call, otherwise I dont think I would have stopped drinking

So why would she think now is any different? What are YOU doing differently this time? DB'ing is about you putting forth 100% of the effort and not expecting anything of her for now.

I am going to counseling and trying to be more patient around her and the kids, trying to listen to her better and find out if there is anything she needs of me. I wake up early now and help with the morning kid routine (something I never use to do before) I dont know what else to do right now.

I am not an expert on alcoholism, but I've been around others who went through this and this is a pretty common excuse, and usually not at all true. My dad used to say he was a "happy drunk", but he wasn't, he was abusive and violent. Your W's perception of how you are/ were when drunk may be quite different than yours.

Your right, thank you for your honest. She did say I wasnt angry (most of the time) but either way said I was different and didn't like me one bit when I was drinking.

That's a great start. You also need counseling, and probably anon. But 5 weeks is just a start, your W is going to need to see months and months of consistent, improved behavior before she starts to believe the changes are real and not just tricks to get her back.

Great Point, your right, its going to take way more than 5 weeks, but I dont think I have that long, see below UPDATE. I have been going to counseling ever since she said she wanted me out.

You shouldn't have moved out to begin with, but move back in if you can. If she decides to move out then let her, don't try to stop her.

She wanted me out and was very animate about it. So I said I would leave for awhile. I've been back home for a few days now and I sleep on the couch.

UPDATE. As of today she said she complete the initial filing for divorce and that someone would be contacting me about the papers. She said she didnt want them to come to my work or home while the kids were home so she thought it would be best if they talked to me first.

Am I too late to save this M?

[OneDay]

The more I think about this, I was completely blindsided by this D. I mean her mind must have been made up long before she even brought up the D to me.

She would tell me that she hates that I drink so much and we need to get help, but that's as far as it went. Then it went strait into the BIG D and she is full speed ahead, and looking back.

I guess Im making excuses, but I feel like she hasn't done everything should could have to save this M. (especially now)

Please correct me if Im wrong. Thanks

[melissag]

I don't think that your W beginning the D process means that things are hopeless. Depending on what state you are in, the process is likely to take several months, at least.

The more I think about this, I was completely blindsided by this D. I mean her mind must have been made up long before she even brought up the D to me.

She would tell me that she hates that I drink so much and we need to get help, but that's as far as it went. Then it went strait into the BIG D and she is full speed ahead, and looking back.

I guess Im making excuses, but I feel like she hasn't done everything should could have to save this M. (especially now)

This kind of thinking isn't helpful. We can all agree with you that she didn't do enough to save the M, but so what? SHE thinks she did. And she thinks YOU didn't. So now is your opportunity to do everything you can by putting in the effort and expecting nothing from her. Placing the blame on her is the easy way out, but you will certainly end up D and probably bitter. Don't choose that path.

[OneDay]

Thanks for the reality check. I just want to scream and kick and shout at her that "WE CAN WORK THIS OUT. THIS D IS ONLY AN EXCHANGE OF PROBLEMS THAT WILL EFFECT THE ENTIRE FAMILY. WE HAVENT SOLVED ANYTHING."

But I know I can't do that. It is really hard living with her and trying to put on a happy face at the same time. I dont have a big house and there is not much room to get away. I dont want to just take off because I want to be around and hang out with the kids.

I do not start many conversations, but she seems more than happy to ask me a question or strike up a conversation, or sit and watch TV me etc. It truly seems that she isnt bothered by this very much.

Im so confused and sorry if Im whining.

[trying very hard]

Hi SC,

Your situation sounds familiar. I was also productive but drinking daily. So productive that W really didn't see it as a huge problem and blamed my emotional detachment and anger on my attitude towards our marriage. After BD, I changed and she couldn't believe it, saw it as manipulation and Mr. FixIt comes to the rescue. Finally, at 90 days of sobriety she acknowledged my efforts with a card and now sees my problem/challenge for what it is. Doesn't mean that she has changed her mind towards me, but now she is paying attention to my recovery for the first time. Be as patient as you can.

[melissag]

Your feelings are totally understandable! There are many times I just want to say/yell to my H, "please just stop this BS, put your wedding ring back on and come home with us like you are supposed to." But I have to remember that HE feels differently. And while you don't agree with how your W feels, you have to accept that they are her feelings and they are just as valid to her, as yours are to you.

Here's something I copied from another thread a little while ago (I believe it was NTXDad who wrote it):

I think the LBS initially doesn't realize the pain the WAS was feeling in the M. The pain they feel (real or not) is excruciating... so much so that they took a huge gamble to throw it all way and make a drastic move of leaving. I'm not saying that LBS is always right and the WAS is wrong, both contribute to the failure of a marriage. Usually the LBS is stunned and clueless that the WAS felt bad enough to leave so they want to blame it on some type of mental illness. And it's that exact complacency of the LBS that probably contributed to the failure of the marriage.

Whether we blame it on mental illness or otherwise, the point is that we tend to discount the WAS's feelings, which, more often than not, is exactly what got us here in the first place.

I try to remember that my H probably felt during our M a lot like I do now - which is pretty crappy. That's hard to swallow, but it helps give me some perspective.

Don't think about how your W feels about the sitch. You have no idea how she feels. That said, I do think that many WASs initially feel better and relieved - they have been released from the trap and it feels good. This helps you, though, because now that your W has no pressure, no obligation, she is free to be kinder to you, more relaxed, etc. Don't take this as a bad thing. Just give her space and make sure you are exerting zero pressure.

Finally, use living together to your advantage. Your W will have the opportunity to see the changes in you. So make them happen. I know it is hard because it's exhausting faking contentment all the time. Make sure you get out of the house, and have a way to release your pent up emotions. If you are feeling mad, sad, whatever, just leave for a bit. Go for a walk. Run an errand. Go somewhere and scream for a while. Whatever you need to do. Just don't do it in front of your W!

Take a deep breath. You can do this.








But I know I can't do that. It is really hard living with her and trying to put on a happy face at the same time. I dont have a big house and there is not much room to get away. I dont want to just take off because I want to be around and hang out with the kids.

I do not start many conversations, but she seems more than happy to ask me a question or strike up a conversation, or sit and watch TV me etc. It truly seems that she isnt bothered by this very much.

Im so confused and sorry if Im whining. [/quote]