Any ideas or tips? My husband and I (21yr married) have been separated about 12 days (I know it seems short but feels like an eternity to me) following the discovery of his affair 3 months ago (preceded in July by the "I love you but not in love with you" talk that he has apparently felt for a year or two). We have two kids D17, D13. I'm at home with all the responsibility and he is off experiencing a different life.
I feel the separation definitely helped gain perspective and gave us breathing room to stop letting the accusations and snooping and crying (on my part, unfortunately) but also would like a chance to try to use this new perspective with him moving back home, although I don't know if he is ready.
How do I approach our marriage counseling session tomorrow? I feel that he has built a wall up between us and has a little fortress of solitude at his cousin's house (where he is staying). What sort of questions should I be asking, what attitude to use? Should I try to see if he would have a goal date to return home? How can I use the techniques in the book if we are not together most of the time?
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please be sure you are working with a pro marriage counselor. You don't want someone that is going to tell you to go your own way, but someone that is going to help you come up with solutions to your issues and helps you both have empathy for what each of you are going through. Many individuals work with a DB coach that helps guide them on what they should be saying and doing (even in joint counseling sessions). I wish you the best.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
but also would like a chance to try to use this new perspective with him moving back home, although I don't know if he is ready.
There is NO WAY he is ready after a 12 day S. Do not pressure him to move back in, it'll just drive him farther away.
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How do I approach our marriage counseling session tomorrow? I feel that he has built a wall up between us and has a little fortress of solitude at his cousin's house (where he is staying). What sort of questions should I be asking, what attitude to use? Should I try to see if he would have a goal date to return home?
Does he even want to go? If he doesn't then don't make him. Your money is better spent on a DB coach. MC is PRESSURE at a time the WAS wants NO pressure. I honestly don't know of a single example of MC bringing a WAS back home. What works is REMOVING all the pressure and giving them time and space. That means no reaching out, no convo's about the M, no talk about moving back in, etc.
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How can I use the techniques in the book if we are not together most of the time?
The book tells you to get out, get a life, give your H time and space, show him PMA when you see him, work on yourself, make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. The whole point of the book is "it takes one to tango", IE, you do all the work. He doesn't need to be around all the time to see the positive effects of DB'ing.
Thanks. Husband has been a willing participant in the counseling sessions, although up to right before the separation it always ended up with going back to all the old issues we had been dealing with since September. Our counselor does alot of the "how does that make you feel" or "what do you feel about that" and I want our sessions to be more productive. I get not asking him to come home (although this totally [censored] at this time of year). I do want to try the phone counseling but absolutely don't have the money to do it right now - things are very, very tight. He still works with his affair partner, which is tough but I know not to ask about her at all during our session (it is our first since the separation). I will definitely try to be totally positive today and seem in control and easy going, even though I feel like total crap!!!
