Wife isn't in love

[Medic1976]

My world had come crashing down when W13 Y's told me ILYBNILWY. I realized that the last few years I had sank into a depression along with work stress I look back and see that I had really neglected my wife. I have never been one to show a lot of emotion but I see now that the last few years I did a lot if emotional damage to her. I got to where I never wanted to go out and socialize (that was something we always did) sex was almost non existant for 2 years. The medication I was on for anxiety pretty much knocked out any interest I had. (We had never had problems in this dept) I see a lot if things now that I didn't see when I was neglecting her (switched to a new medication and feel like the old me)
I had talked mean to her in numerous occasions and when she would make attempts to show me affection (hugs, kisses) I would just ignore her. I just felt numb and had no emotions. Anyway in May of this year she tried to talk to me about the way I was making her feel. I seemed to turn it around on her, blaming it on job stress and made her feel as though she was just attacking me. She tried to talk to me again in late June and I told her I would "try" and work on things, again turning it around to her fault but this time she was crying and just staring at the wall at our wedding picture. At that point, I realized that something was not right with me and I scheduled a Dr appointment and ended up getting on a different medication, Bam, fast forward about 3 weeks and I felt like my old self again! I experienced a flood of emotions toward her that I had not felt in 3 years, sec drive came back with a vengeance! Then in early August she sits me down and tells me that she had lost her feelings for me and is not sure she can get them back!
I was devastated! She is the love of my life, she has always done nothing but try and make me happy and I realized the neglect I had done emotionally. So I started the whole, beg. Mope, gifts the works. Drove her further away. I tried to reason with her that it was my depression and meds, but she did not want to hear it. We both tried everything we knew, we dated each other, left the kids with sitters, lots of sex, she said she wants to get those feelings back but doesn't know how long it if they will come back. In sept I got the ILYBNILWY speech, I hit Rock bottom, I constantly wanted to talk about our relationship, even after she said she started dreading coming home because she knew I was going to be moping around or want to talk! She agreed to counciling but after 1 ind visit he had her convinced that our relationship was doomed from the start (both first serious relationship, both young, ect) well the first of nov we started a separation. In hopes that she will miss me. Although I'm still around the house all the time, watching kids till she gets home, making excuses too come over just to see her. Mid nov she told me that she was not happy with me and we both deserve to be happy, so she filed for divorce. She included me in all talks with attorney and we have decided on everything from custody to assets to child support in our own. She says she has so much resentment towards me for the neglect that she can't see falling back in live w me. I am devastated, I physically hurt, lost 30 lbs that I didn't need to lose and can't sleep. Last week I came across this site and went out and bought DR book and read it front to back, I saw all the things a had done wrong and started the 180. I just think it may be to late, our waiting period is up in mid jan and us fastly approaching. I can see that her decision had not been easy on her as well. She told me the other day that her feelings have been gone for over a year now, she just worked up the courage to act in them.We get along recently better than we ever have our entire relationship but I just don't think I have enough time to Win her back and show her I am changing!

[KarenR]

Hi, I am sorry for the pain you are in. If you aren't speaking to a DB coach, I suggest you do as soon as possible. Your coach will help you come up with a very specific plan on how to interact with your wife in a way that is most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. They are experts in keeping you strong and on track. I wish you all the best.

[Medic1976]

Thanks, I just want to make things right. My daughter is 10yo and understands what's happening, but my 6 yo son doesn't understand what's going on. That kills me and I miss my wife so much!

[Positivespin]

Medic-

You cant change for her. What specific 180's are you doing? Im assuming you have already read Sandis rules? You may want to post this in the newbie section as you will get alot more looks (just cut and paste). KEEP POSTING!

[Medic1976]

I stopped begging, moping and trying to talk about the relationship. Always put on a smile and. Try to hide the hurt in front of her. I have also been in counciling for a couple of months and have started recognizing and coping with my insecurities and avoid any arguing and fighting. We have not had an argument in months. I am really trying to stop sending her texts and emails unless its in regards to the kids or finances, although its hard because I miss my life so much it hurts!

[Medic1976]

A family member offered my a house to stay in that has plenty of room for my kids. I had been looking at apartments and even purchasing another house, but didn't want to lock myself in with a lease or other commitment incase we are able to reconcile. W has been asking many family members for furniture and other household items to furnish my new place. This just tells me that she is prepared to follow through with divorce. It hurts terribly! I have stopped all talk of future plans together but sometimes she make small comments as though we would be together, I know she doesn't want me to get false hope. I have been slipping up occasionally as far as not letting it show that I am sad, but I'm getting better. I know she has told a few family members that she doesn't want to hurt me, but also told them we are divorcing. I don't know what to do anymore. I do have my first telephone coaching session this morning....I hope it goes well.

[Medic1976]

Well, I haven't posted in a while. Quick update, divorce seems inevitable. We have worked through dividing assets and child support information together and she has submitted the paperwork for review.
A have relapsed a couple of times as far as begging/ pleading and talking about my feelings but overall have been doing ok as far as that.
My question is I sometimes get the feeling that maybe she is starting to second guess her decision to divorce, how do you know if that is happening. Just small comments from her from time to time. I am finding it harder and harder to function as the waiting period Is just 2 weeks away and all the paperwork has been submitted

[slow_it_down]

Stay strong Medic. Even if the divorce goes through it's just a piece of paper. You seem to have a good grasp of what she needs to see from you so concentrate on doing those things. Smile and hold your head up even when you are hurting. Give yourself permission to take longer than 2 weeks to win her back. Whether or not the divorce goes through you have more time than you think to rebuilld.

Maybe she's second guessing, maybe not. How she feels today won't be how she feels tomorrow, so try not to get caught up in her changes in feelings if you can help it.