Husband of 21 years and I were in counseling for three months following my discovery of his five month affair with his boss and the revelation that he has felt "I love you but I'm not in love with you" for at least two years. A few years ago he started working later and spending a lot of time enjoying things without me and the kids on the weekends (golf, watching football at a friend's house, etc). I see now that I started to feel resentful and started pulling back myself, snipping and arguing when he was home, finding fault in everything he did, pulling back sexually. Here we were, two people not realizing how we were hurting each other and our marriage. I just thought it was a slump we would get through while he started wondering "do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?". Our counseling sessions opened up all these feelings and we went back and forth, me insisting he quit his job, him taking quite a bit of time to apologize for the affair. Then I seem to have done everything wrong. I kept spying on his phone, poured on all the love and affection and sex he said had been missing, nagged and pestered him even when he did make little changes (that I can see now after reading Michele's book) and didn't appreciate them, expecting a huge turnaround on his part when he saw that I could give him all those things - all it did was make him think "why all of a sudden now?" and to be mistrustful of all those huge, sudden changes. In any case, I became so anxious and depressed I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and had to start taking medication for anxiety and depression. I lost 25lbs I didn't need to lose and am rail thin. I finally suggested we take some time apart and our counselor agreed that some space would provide us each with some breathing room and a chance for me to focus on myself and for him to have some space to decide if he was coming back because he WANTED to or because he felt obligated. He left last week and I got Michele's book from Amazon two days later. If only I had read it before I suggested a separation!! I called him after three days and asked him to come home, freaked out on him. He said he wanted to stick with the plan our therapist worked out and have some time to see how he feels. He said he would not drag me along and would let me know if he felt that he couldn't or didn't want to work on our marriage anymore. We will still go to counseling and he will see the kids and we will talk on the phone at least once a day. He came over for thanksgiving yesterday and it just felt like there was this huge wall up between us. I tried to stay positive and upbeat, asking and praising him about work. The down note was that I did mention I was feeling really crappy and probably needed to go to the doctor. So, now what do I do? All I want is for him to come back home so I can start using this new found information and all he wants is space - he's got a little fortress of solitude over at his cousin's house. We have a counseling session coming up next week. What do I do or say? How do I act? Do i send him an email telling him everythingnive said here or pretend everything is fine and dandy? I am so miserable in our house by myself, cannot focus at work and am stressed and anxious to the max. Please, please I would love some help and advice!
Take a deep breath. Nothing is going to change this minute. Your impatience to get him back so you can pressure him in the new more effective way you found, is not what db is about. Follow through with the current plan by working on your own issues and letting h have space to figure out what he needs. When you interact show h a woman only a fool would leave. Blowing things up can happen fast, but repairing them cannot. It's going to take lots of time before your h could believe that marriage to you will be different and better than before.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks, I'm starting to realize that. Stopped taking the meds I'd been on (who knew that stuff could make your MORE depressed when you start taking it) and went over a neighbors house to hang out last night. Just need to get a grip on myself and give things time, even though I hate it. Any advice for what to do when we go to therapy? I've read that I should try to set goals for me but what about goals that I share with him? I do want our therapy sessions to stop being a gripe fest and blame game and want to try to steer them in a more action oriented direction.
