Reaching out for support and advice!!

[bluesgal]

I've been a long time follower of divorce busters, but I haven't followed the techniques very well.
A quick summary:
My husband claims I "checked out" of our marriage a long time ago. I agree. I took for granted that he would always be there and our family would always be strong. We have been fighting frequently over the last couple of years, and sometimes sleeping in separate rooms. In late May, I got the bomb. Told me he couldn't do this anymore and said he was done. I've spent the last 6 months on and off divorce busting. Trying to employ techniques, then getting impatient and pressing him for answers and pressuring him to save our family and forgive me. I just found out about the OW about 2 weeks ago. Very difficult. She is a coworker and he did not want to break it off with her. She finally broke it off with him because she didn't want to be a "homewrecker".
My husband says he is not completely closed to reconciling, but typical ILYBINILWY. He believes that if we make up, we will go down this road again in years to come when we get "comfortable".
He blames me for EVERYTHING!! It's so hard to listen to sometimes. I need help! What can I do so that he'll see my hard earned changes? How can I practice patience when I just want my caring husband back?

[bluesgal]

Today is Thanksgiving. Boy, the holidays are tough. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

My H and I are taking the kids to his parents tonight for supper. He wants to do some things 'like normal', even though we don't live together anymore. He doesn't want anyone to know our sitch or make any decisions on it. He only talks to me about the kids. It's going to be hard to see him tonight. I am trying not to contact him and let him have time. So hard!! I don't know who he is anymore!

[melissag]

Hi BG, sorry that you are in this tough situation. Glad to know you have been reading the boards - I know that posting will help you get some great advice just for your situation.

I noticed you said you were DBing on and off. As you have probably noticed, that doesn't really work. We are all human and will surely make mistakes here and there, but pressing your H for answers will almost surely send you right back to square one.

What have you been doing to DB? What are your 180s? What have you been doing to GAL?

I think it is pretty typical for a WAS to think that if he/she stays in the M, things will just end up being the same. My H has said that a few times himself. He doesn't want to ever feel the way he did at the time of BD. It was too awful for him. I do think it's a good sign that your H isn't completely closed to R. Look, you could tell him all day that things will be different, but that doesn't mean anything. You have to show him. But if you show him, and then you lose it and go back to your old ways, then he's not going to believe that the changes are real. (And he will probably be right.)

WAS always blame everything on the LBS. Don't worry about what he thinks or says. Look at yourself, your own actions, behaviors, and thoughts. What, if anything, do YOU want to change? Forget about blaming H or being defensive - this is about focusing on your part in things, and whether/how you need to change yourself to be the person YOU want to be.

Have you been doing to IC? If you can find a good one, it helps a lot.

As for tonight - think about what he is expecting you to act like. Do you want to act like that? I know you are hurting, but just push that aside for a few hours and be strong . . . do the best you can to have a good time, and shove those emotions aside. When you get home, then you can cry, punch pillows, whatever.

Keep posting and reading. You will get tons of support here.

And don't forget what you [i]are[/] grateful for.

[juliegayle]

Hi. I'm glad you decided to reach out today. I am finding the holiday to be more stressful than I expected.

As Melissa said just focus on having a good time tonight. Have no expectations of how H will act.

My H also blames me for everything. Even though I know that is not true I have found myself slipping into believing it at times. I have gotten very good advice on the board to just listen and shut up. I have been advised to validate but not accept all blame. Say things like "I am sorry you are feeling. ." But not "you are right I am sorry I ..." I am about 6 weeks in and still find myself wanting to reason with H and convince him he is wrong about me. Doesn't work. In the past few days I have diffused a few bad situations by remembering to think and act rather than react.

Keep posting. Everyone here has been through something similar and all are at different stages of the journey. You will find comfort, support and advice.

[loualea]

Hi BG
they all rewrite history and the LBS is ALWAYS the bad guy, never the WAS.

I even started believing it then read something here from someof the vets and stopped believing my WAS. Maybe some points were true but that he was always perfect and I was always wrong.. that can't be so.

The think and act not react is good advice- hard to do but stops pushing buttons in your H. The hardest thing for me to do is to think through every interaction or conversation.. and plan how I will act and how I will validate and how I will not sound needy. repeating the 37 steps to myself until I almost have them memorised..
Life was easier 3months ago.
The questioning myself before every text

the worst thing for me is hav

[bluesgal]

Thanks for the support!

Thanksgiving was 'ok'. It was nice to uphold one of our traditions together. The tough part came after the meal. MIL wanted to know when we were available for our traditional Christmas tree harvest at the tree farm. Every year, sleigh ride, santa, cut our tree down etc. The problem is: The kids and I moved out and live with my parents. Now that we've moved out, my husband is not wild about us moving back. He always says: "I'd love for the kids to move back" deliberately leaving me out.

My D15 is so upset by all of the chaos and wants answers. She really grilled H last night. Vented a lot of tears and anger wanting to know how we can end all of this and be a family again. It is UNREAL how insensitive our spouses can be during this time. He seemed relatively unmoved by her tears. Like he didn't care! I don't even want to move back home when he still has this high level of anger. Does this get better? How long do they hold on to their anger. Last night he told me that he wanted a divorce 6 months ago when I got the bomb, but I wouldn't let him...??? WHAT??

[bluesgal]

Melissaag,

Yes, I have an IC. Seeing her weekly-helps so much. Not completely in line with DB, but I take things with grain of salt. And, I cried before the Thanksgiving meal to myself in the bathroom, prayed, pulled myself together and had a nice meal

Juliegayle,

The idea for defusing the arguments is great. I like how you acknowledge the feelings, but don't take responsibility for them. So hard to do!! This takes so much strenth!

Loualea,

I will keep reviewing the 37 steps, too. It's so great to have this forum!

[Roberta]

It sounds as if you are getting an excellent opportunity to make changes in your marriage. Michele Weiner-Davis, founder of the Divorce Busting Center says- "Divorce the old marriage and begin a new one with the same partner". Our Divorce Busting Coaches can definitely help you define your marriage goals and offer suggestions to help get your marriage back on track. Learn the steps you need to take in order to make effective changes in your marriage. I'd be happy to discuss our coaching program with you. Please call us at 303-444-7004

[bluesgal]

Very interesting conversation with my WAH yesterday. One of his biggest complaints about me is that I am not spontaneous enough. I was a frumpy homebody.

Well lately I've been GAL-dressing cute and going out almost every night with friends/family. I didn't know my H took notice until yesterday.

He said I've become the wife he's always wanted. But he's not happy about it. He cried and begged the question "Why didn't you make these changes when I asked you to?"

He is very upset that NOW I'm making these changes. I think it's great that he's noticed these things. Is it normal that he's upset by them?

[melissag]

It is great that your H is noticing these changes. Of course he is going to be upset by them. He has wanted you to do this for how long, and you didn't do it. And NOW you do it? Of course he is upset. First of all, because it means he didn't have to be so miserable for so long (but seemed more like your choice, maybe?), and second, because at this point he has gotten himself so far in his decision to be done with you, and now you are making it confusing. Your job now is to keep it up so that he sees that the changes are permanent and not just a ploy to get him back.

What did you say to your H when he asked why you waited until now?