I'm feeling totally lost right now. I see that the 180 and Last Resort Technique may be my great hope for personal sanity. I could really use some help.
What's going on: Attempting an in home separation because of money issues and wanting to be with my 11 yr old twins on a daily basis. I agreed to give her much requested freedom in her social life last weekend. She refuses to discuss her ongoing affair that she knows I'm aware of. Last week I found her FB logged in and printed out many pages of sex talk with the guy all initiated by her. Have not disclosed this with her. I know this guy from childhood. They've spent LOTS of time together and don't hide it. His mother and mine were best friends all through their lives. If they were only both still alive to see this crap.
I'm sure she instigated it. Friends of mine have come forward telling me they thought we two were separated because they saw W out partying with him for the past year. She told him she was getting divorced. Found all this out 2 months ago- I was suspicious but thought she would never go that far.
Of course we were not in a great marriage for the last 5 years. we spent so much time raising kids that we stopped taking time for each other etc...My work was unstable so I wanted to be frugal. She had big spending dreams which she loved to talk about but I got so I would shoot them down. Finally her heart hardened to me while I was unaware. I've done plenty on my end. Much depression and anger, mainly brought on by financial fears. No doubt I pushed her away. I've got plenty of remorse and have verbalized my amends to her. She thanked me and also wrote that she was sorry about the hurt she's caused me.
At this point in time I'm just confused. I still love her but resent her immensely. She wants a separation for sure. No reconcilliation. She would like an in home arrangement but as long as I don't bother her about her social life. She goes out twice a week, sometimes spends the night out. Still she's excellent at taking care of our kids. Except for the night out stuff, she's a great mom. She dropped all her old married friends too that we had mutually and hangs out with a local clique of artsy, musician types...none have young kids, most are divorced or single. Oh, she relapsed after 16 yrs sober a couple yrs back. All old friends are on my side they can't believe she's living this way. They want her to snap out of this mid life crisis or whatever it is. Even her father wants her to stay with me...he's sick about it. I'm a straight arrow devoted family man.
Me-I'm sober 19 yrs. Getting counseling, AA sponsor, medications, reaching out to friends, trying to GAL. It's so hard as I keep sinking back into serious depressions. Plus I'm now out of work-Chapter 7 from my employer a week after she dropped the bomb. Conducting myself in the house is my main concern now. I know I've made matters worse pursuing etc... Have now only talked about making financial arrangements or about kids, trying to avoid anything emotional. Keeping a safe home for the kids is a HUGE concern of mine. I feel like if either of us left it would really hurt them plus I'm still holding out hope. Don't know whether separate homes would be best. Neither of us argue in front of them but I know I appear cold and depressed. She acts like she's always been-bubbly and composed. I'd love to have the marriage work out. I love my kids and her family immensely. There's so much more to say but I'll stop now. My heart is broken deeply. I'm so scared it's too late to salvage it. I keep thinking I'll be ok with healing but still the pain is immense. Thanks for reading.
Married 10/4/1996 Me 53 Wife 47 Twin Children Boy and Girl 11 Bomb dropped 9/2013 Living "separated" in same house.
Just found this site while searching for some experience with wives having affairs.
Quick version: Got blindsided at the end of September. W wants separation. May reconcile but only with separation. A week later my company went bankrupt. Now unemployed.
My side: I've been having depression problems related to stress for the past 5 years. Been sober in AA 19 years. Love my kids and wife dearly. Been short tempered and not much fun during this time. Missed family trips-put work first. Put my financial insecurities first and did not listen to my wife's dreams about her life etc...Her heart hardened and I was in denial. I take full responsibility in cleaning up my side- counseling now, more time with kids, trying to change my attitude and lots of soul searching.
What she's done: She started drinking after 16 clean years 2 years back. Never said she was unhappy with marriage. After a while she started going to hear mutual friends band at clubs. Then coming in very late 2-3 times a week. I was home with our kids. Said she was out with friends. 2 months ago I got proof from reading her logged in FB that she's having sex with a guy I know. Both deny it. She says she's doing nothing wrong and won't stop. All our old mutual friends are very sad she's living this way especially because of the children.
Thanks for welcome Cadet. The main aspect of life post Bomb Drop that I'm enjoying is time with my kids. Spent all Sunday with them. Horse back riding and time with their Grandfather.
W told them Sun AM that she was going to go away for a couple days. That really upset my daughter, she broke down in tears telling her she was so tired of her staying away-spending the nights out or way late. W told them she didn't want to be married to dad too. Wonderful morning. W cried some but left anyway.
I had a great day. Got a freelance project and helped my dad fell a tree. W called me 6 times but I missed the calls and didn't return them. She got home from work crying saying how bad she felt about hurting the kids then went to sleep off last night's late night fun. Apparently not feeling bad enough to come home early instead of sleeping out again, heh.
I never know what the next day will bring. Oh, the joys of separation!
Married 10/4/1996 Me 53 Wife 47 Twin Children Boy and Girl 11 Bomb dropped 9/2013 Living "separated" in same house.
