I discovered my husband's affair with his boss on 8/25/13 from a text message she sent to his phone. I confronted him about it and he admitted that they had been sexually intimate for five months. We have been married 21 years and have two daughters, 17 and 13. I immediately asked him what he wanted to do, leave or work on our marriage - I was so shocked because (as many people usually think) that my husband was the LAST person on earth who could do something like this. We started counseling a few weeks after the discovery and at first it was just alot of anger. He said he felt he had grown apart from me for a few years and started working later hours and keeping busy on the weekends to stay out of the house. He said he felt empty for a long time, that we were no longer as affectionate as we were and our sex life had become routine and too far apart. I too felt we had been growing apart a bit and had been sniping at eachother for awhile, but I also thought that this was just a slump that long time married couples go through, that eventually we would always work everything out together. He said that even a year or two ago he had envisioned a different future, possibly one without us being together but had NEVER said anything to me. All our family and friends always thought of us as the stable, good couple that would always stick together - so did I. Once I finally heard the things that were making him so unhappy and feel empty I mistakenly just poured it on - turning on the affection, wanting to talk, spicing up our sex life. Doing everything wrong I guess because he saw it as "why now, why all of a sudden, I don't believe it's genuine". He had trust issues! I have trust issues too, especially as he still works at the same job and still has contact with his affair partner on a daily basis. I kept checking his phone for texts and emails (I did find that he invited her to watch him play soccer when I was with our daughter at a school event) just a few weeks ago. After that it was just back to the blame game on both sides, with me getting so stressed out and anxious that I've had to go on antidepressant meds and have lost over 20lbs. I suggested that we spend some time apart, it seemed so obvious that being at home was too stressful for both of us - that one weird look or one thing said in a strange tone would set the other off. Our counselor agreed and he went to stay with his cousin last week, we told our girls last night. We didn't see eachother for six days, after three I asked him to come home, how can you work on being together when you are apart?! In any case, he still wanted to have time apart to "make sure I'm coming back because I WANT to come back, not just for the kids". I get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" stuff at counseling. So there it is in a nutshell. For my husband it has been at least two years since he felt a separation, enough to have an affair with someone else. For me it has been only three months since I have felt the worst pain I could ever imagine, made worse by the fact that I never stopped loving him or feeling that we wouldn't always be together. We have worked out some plans on how to be in contact during our separation, either with the kids together or with him and just the kids or having "date nights" with just the two of us. My biggest fear is that this will be enough for him, that he won't feel he can love me again like he once did. How can you work on intimacy when you live apart? I read the 7 steps to Saving your Marriage a few days after he left, wish I had gotten it much sooner. Any advice or help would be sooooo appreciated.
Hi JJ, sorry you find yourself here. But, you did come to the right place! Keep posting and you will be off moderation - but you have to keep posting.
OK so first, you need to calm down. (Trust me, I know this is easier said than done.) You are freaking out because your H is gone and you can no longer control what he does or whether he loves you - but guess what? You couldn't when he was in the house either. If he says he wants/needs space, you have to give it to him. Think of this as a time that YOU can have time and space to figure out YOU, as well. Have you been going to IC? Have you taken a look at your own life/role in this situation to see what, if anything, you would like to change about yourself?
I think it is good that he is not in the house anymore, now you can't snoop. It was only hurting you. Is he still actively involved in the A? Do you know? Has he agreed to stop the A and work on the M? He is probably in a confused state right now, and though I know this is hard (and I am still working on accepting this myself), space and time may be just what he needs to see things more clearly. And quite possibly, see you and your M in a better, more realistic light. If it works to see each other, great. If you are going to be a mess and beg for him to come home, don't. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? If not, look for the sticky on the Newcomers forum. Read them, memorize them, live them. They are for you just as much as they are to help save your M.
Take this time for you. Do not wonder what H is doing, who he is with, or where he is. Certainly do not ask him any of those things. You do what YOU want to do. Pursue your hobbies. Exercise. Do fun things with your kids. Whatever it is that helps you live a more fulfilling life.
He can't love you again like he once did if you are in his face, begging him to. He needs to figure his stuff out on his own, and you need to figure your stuff out on your own. Think of it this way - you said that you were going through a rough patch, right? Well, potentially, if you and your H use this time wisely, this S could be the best thing that ever happened for your M.
What would happen if he moved back in right now? Would your M be good? It certainly doesn't sound like it. And, don't you respect him for coming back only if he wants to, not for the kids? Then if he does come back, you will know that's truly where he wants to be.
Have you read DR yet? If not, make that the top of your to do list. Also, read a ton of threads on here. You will find several sitches that are just like yours, I'm sure of it, and TONS of great advice who can empathize with what you are going through.
Oh also, this is just my thing, but if you create a signature, it helps people to remember who you are and your situation without having to go back and reread your original post.
Hang in there - you just need to take a deep breath, start to think with your head, not your emotions, and come up with a game plan that's going to help you be who and where you want to be.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
