Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Hi ladies!!! Yay! Glad you are here. I'm gonna need my DB posse to weather this odd place that I'm in.
To all my new friends that have posted thanking me for providing an update... hang in there! But don't think there isn't soooo much work for me to still do! There is. I am in a good place personally but my marriage is still very fragile.
I really need to pour through my DB book again, except now my W is in the home... not sure about her walking through the den while I'm reading it! Back in March and April it was just me, myself and I... and all of you so it was easier to study and contemplate.
So here is what I am dealing with now. I got frustrated. W came home weeks ago saying all the "right' things. Then... wait for it...
AP emailed in an epic display of... "forlorn love, star-crossed lovers, let me go, we were meant to be together, how can you wake up next to RT, you said I am the one for you"... end scene.
W responded with, "I am sorry you are hurting. I love you." Yep. It's not over until it's over folks... and it's never over when they say it is. W and I talked about it after she showed me the emails. We talked about her still having feelings for AP, feeling guilty for hurting AP, and everything she needs to process personally in IC. Also, W has to have 2 knee replacements. It's happening on the 10th of this month. W doesn't think she deserves me taking care of her or helping her through surgery.
The guilt storm swirling in my house if so draining. Her guilt for betraying me, for betraying AP, it's overwhelming. She was making a really good effort to communicate and validate up until Saturday, then she kind of shut down and withdrew. Contact from AP seems to have sent her into a spiral funk. PLUS... She is scared and nervous about surgery... I get it. I better! She has said it multiple times! Listening skills, listening skills. I have literally, repeatedly spoken to myself in my head saying, "RT, this is the time to practice the fine art of STFU!" You see I... want things to move faster, I want sad, affair grieving W to jump on the happy RT train. The self-discipline it takes to give her this space is mind numbing. Talk about injustice. They betray us and then we have to decide whether or not we want a front row seat to their sadness over their loss of AP.
So I am cycling residual anger. Ha! Slightly. I think it's because I am in a taking care of me mode (I'm pretty good at it now), and damn it!... I want to process and move forward. Full speed ahead! But she is just not ready. She needs time to decompress, center herself as an individual, go to IC, let go of AP completely and forgive herself.
This weekend she commented that she thought I am so much stronger than AP. And that I am so far ahead of her (my W)in healing. She said, "I am broken. I have been for a long time. I am lost and confused." That's a quote word for word. She talked about her loss of time. She confided that she had no idea it was about to be the holidays. She had no idea we were separated nine months. It really seemed to bewilder her when we talked about it. I think it scared her too.
So I must respectfully, lovingly, give her time and space and continue to focus on me.
Tough stuff... marriage.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
While playing college chick did you at least steal a mascot or get hazed?????ANY good stories:)
She will mourn and mourn and mourn and you cant get in the way- she must slay the monster and you cant push her- and you know that.
What classes you taking next semester? You must plow ahead- W will jump on the RT train or she wont but you cant throw on the black dress and mourn too- unless its a cocktail dress and its a party.
You sound REAL strong right now- I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!
Kick ARSE my dear!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I am the world's oldest and most boring university student! LOL! I'm about to sign up for Spring semester. My advisor is sending me a list of classes to choose from so I'm not sure what I'm taking yet. I do know I'm going to add another class to my workload now that I dabbled in the baby pool with 2 courses, I think I can handle 3.
I do know... mourning. She has been and will for probably a few months. Besides, I kept myself prepared for the AP to initiate contact. But I will remain calm and continue to allow the AP to be a source of anxiety and emotional distress for W while I stand firm, GAL-iscious in MY life focus, being the woman she'd be a fool to leave (again). LOL! That (again) made me giggle. I don't know why!
I'm so dramatic when I journal! Heeheeeheheee!
It's nice to get "xoxo"/"good morning" emails at work from my W again. Long time since.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
You're being dramatic now because you've been sneaking some of my amaretto behind my back!!
Yes, marriage is tough. "For better, for worse"
I read somewhere that it takes about 3-4 months for a person to get the OW/OM out of their system. It isn't too different from being weaned off from a drug. It's called "dopamine." You're gonna need to rent a Bobcat for patience.
Have you considered the possibility of telling your W that you want to be at her side for the surgery? That is what married couples do. Mutual support and being her rock. And you wouldn't have it any other way! It seems to me that W is looking to you for reassurance based on her multiple comments about being "broken", "not being strong."
Wonk, yes. I will be with her for the surgery. We even discussed how in this big moment of her life it was me she wanted by her side and not AP. We talked about how that says something of the bond the M has in comparision to the A. But at lunch today, she told me she needed to tell me something. Then the big tears started to well up in her eyes.
She needed to tell me that she is struggling with not calling AP and letting her know she is having surgery. Ok. I listened. I thanked her for telling me. I didn't see a need for a response. other than, "I'm sorry your are hurting." Then she asked me what was I feeling? Oh goodness... What was I feeling.
I told her I was trying to be empathetic but that I had boundaries to protect myself. (some of you may remember she had shoulder surgery back in Jan. before the S. Rememeber when AP was calling her mom's cell in the waiting room... MomInLaw thought AP was just a really good, concerned friend. uggh. And remember when AP sent an entire freaking dinner to MY house) Well. I do. So I simply answered W. "I am trying to understand and be empathetic to what you are going through. But I have boundaries and I will not go through "that" again. (She understood. No need to re-hash)
She tried to bait me into a fight. If I would fight, she could justify calling AP. I refused to engage. She threw some zingers but I saw them for the pain and personal shame reflections they really were.
When she calmed. I told her that. I said, "I feel that you try to bait me into fighting when conversations become emotionally uncomfortable." I went back to work. About twenty minutes later she texted, " I'm sorry. I love you. xoxo"
The biggest reflection of my personal growth and just how far I have really come, is the one I see when I look at my W. Her pain, her confusion, and her raw emotion. I survived all of that stuff post BD and S... on my own. I really did. I'm only getting better. Hallelujah!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
