Thanks for the 2X4’s. I KNOW I screwed up…just couldn’t seem to help it with the texting.
First, uR….this:
"So, what is your stance on ML? If it is your choice to not ML, then that is a boundary you have to place. I can post some info on bounary setting. But be clear that it is to protect you and not to punish him. If you decide you want to be intimate, then you need to explain to him how you feel about how he goes about it.The thing about a boundary is that you have to not cross it otherwise it is useless."
My stance is that I want to keep ML! But, I keep hearing from others that I need to stop that…that it’s cake eating. BUT, I don’t feel used…I feel better when H and I have that connection. And uR, after reading your take on it, I can see that H felt like I was punishing him. I wasn’t trying to…I thought I was avoiding ML to not be a doormat. But, with my H home, and completely willing to ML….I still feel like I want that connection. There are many times, before and after ML, that H and I have some really great, open moments together. So, honestly? I’m not ready to make that a boundary.
I did have a HUGE epiphany on the drive home today. I’d read uR’s comments just before I left work but wanted to think about them before I responded. I was wondering why I feel this overwhelming need to respond to H’s texts.
The 20% of the time that I can resist, I KNOW things go way better between us. The other 80% of the time, it’s like a compulsion. I feel like I just HAVE to respond to H.
I realized two things:
(1)I have a HUGE need to have others like and approve of me. (2)I will do anything to explain my “side” of things when H disagrees with me or doesn’t understand me (which leads to me texting him when I should have stopped).
When I respond to H’s texts, it’s like I feel the need to explain and explain and explain how I feel or why I did something the way I did or why I said what I said, etc. I feel this need to make him see my side of things.
On my drive today, I realized…it just doesn’t matter. H will see what he wants to see. I can’t make him see my side of things, no matter how much I try to explain.
I can’t make him like me, or love me, just by explaining things. Actually, it’s probably pretty annoying to him.
Also, I read a thing awhile back that said, “It’s none of your business what others THINK about you.” That was a huge eye-opener for me. I’m a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I HATE it when someone doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me.
But, it was a big step for me today to realize that it is NOT about what other people, including H, think about me. And, it really isn’t any of my concern what others think about me.
I HAVE to focus on making myself a better person for ME…and for my kiddos. Period.
H and I had a pleasant text or two this evening about the kids. And, I let him be the last to text. I won’t text anymore tonight.
This is going to be a struggle for me…but definitely something I have to get a handle on.
First, thank you, BF. I am trying to be strong. It is so hard when he is all over the place with his own emotions...but I'll hang in there another day. wink
And, never worry about when/how you chime in on a topic.
About the trust thing, I totally understand with our kids. My H was not taught the right way to handle children, when he was growing up. His father and step-father both were demeaning and hateful. So, naturally, H thinks it is ok to humiliate and name call and be hateful to discipline our kids. That has always been an issue with us. But, I realize that I have to step back, too, and allow H to find his own way to connect with our kids in a healthy way.
I guess if it was "easy," we wouldn't find ourselves here. Ugh.
Angela, good work on pulling those insights out of yourself.
I think now that you have had that "AHA!" moment it will be easier for you to be deliberate in making good decisions. When we see WHAT we want and how our actions could be undermining that I think it becomes a lot better to make the changes in our behavior stick. It becomes less about "right now I am feeling anxious or misunderstood and I want to text him" and more "I want him to have the chance to wonder about me and why I am pulling away and what that means for him so I am not going to text all the time."
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
(1)I have a HUGE need to have others like and approve of me. (2)I will do anything to explain my “side” of things when H disagrees with me or doesn’t understand me (which leads to me texting him when I should have stopped)
You and me both honey!! Great insights. Now is your husband passive aggressive, because I have noticed that people with our tendencies attract these people. We are a honey pot to them, because they can manipualte us so easily.
Now passive aggression comes (according to some theories) from unexpressed and stuffed down anger. My xh defnitely became incresingly passive aggressive in the last few years before bomb drop, but the tendencies were always there, and the way I was, I played into his hands, without fully realising what was going on - a bit like the frog in warm water.
I still have to watch myself, and say 'no, I do not need to explain myself to you'.
"What other people think of you has nothing to do with you"
This is one of the greatest quotes to live by. Only you can bring your own happiness. Think logically about it. You wake one morning having had an awful previous day, an awful sleep, a bad dream, your milk is off, your car has been stolen etc, but your husband is happy go lucky. Will you be happy??
Only you can decide that. Your husbands happiness won't make a difference!
Smile and the whole world will smile with you, frown and you'll be alone!
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
(1)I have a HUGE need to have others like and approve of me. (2)I will do anything to explain my “side” of things when H disagrees with me or doesn’t understand me (which leads to me texting him when I should have stopped)
You and me both honey!! Great insights. Now is your husband passive aggressive, because I have noticed that people with our tendencies attract these people. We are a honey pot to them, because they can manipualte us so easily.
Now passive aggression comes (according to some theories) from unexpressed and stuffed down anger. My xh defnitely became incresingly passive aggressive in the last few years before bomb drop, but the tendencies were always there, and the way I was, I played into his hands, without fully realising what was going on - a bit like the frog in warm water.
I still have to watch myself, and say 'no, I do not need to explain myself to you'.
Keep up the good work
WOW! YES!!! Yes, Bea!!! My H is VERY passive aggressive. I like your analogy about the frog...because it took me a long, long time to figure out what was going on. I'd begun to realize he was passive aggressive before BD...but that makes SO much sense, now that you say that.
And, my H has even said recently that he has always been one to hold everything in. Everyone around us always commented on how patient and calm he was....but the anger was hidden deep in him.
I still don't really know how to deal with him when he's behaving that way...but yes, I've done lots of reading and my H is definitely passive aggressive.
Any suggestions on how to deal with someone like that?
"What other people think of you has nothing to do with you"
This is one of the greatest quotes to live by. Only you can bring your own happiness. Think logically about it. You wake one morning having had an awful previous day, an awful sleep, a bad dream, your milk is off, your car has been stolen etc, but your husband is happy go lucky. Will you be happy??
Only you can decide that. Your husbands happiness won't make a difference!
Smile and the whole world will smile with you, frown and you'll be alone!
Thanks, CC.....so true. Now, if I can just make this part of who I am from now on.
Angela, good work on pulling those insights out of yourself.
I think now that you have had that "AHA!" moment it will be easier for you to be deliberate in making good decisions. When we see WHAT we want and how our actions could be undermining that I think it becomes a lot better to make the changes in our behavior stick. It becomes less about "right now I am feeling anxious or misunderstood and I want to text him" and more "I want him to have the chance to wonder about me and why I am pulling away and what that means for him so I am not going to text all the time."
Thanks, tiger! I just hope this is the beginning of lots more insight for me. This "light bulb" moment was really good for me. It was like, "Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh! That's what I'm doing!" Love having some clarity in all this chaos!
Well, it's gonna be a good day to practice that "no texting" thing.
Had to text H to remind him to pay kids' lunch bills this morning so they can eat lunch today....and he is in a BAD mood.
He called me a "pissy @ss" and told me to "stay off his @ss"...told me to "stay out of his $hit" when I asked if he'd scheduled haircuts for the boys yet. And, I promise....I was very NICE this morning.
So, I did write "whatever you are upset about this morning has nothing to do with me, but I hope your day gets better"
