Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[Wonka]

Welcome to the Sands of Time Resort, Busting! Go ahead and deck out your new tiki-hut here. Sad to say that the our waters are not azure-clear but rather muddy.

[job]

bustingout,
You are not imagining everything. He's slowly, slowly reconnecting on some level. If he continues to bring things to your home, thank him and do not question him. This is all part of his journey.

Continue as you have been w/no expectations.

[sayitaintso]

Hey B- Glad to see you continue to post and how far you've come.

[lostinpgh]

Hi Bustingout,
That was really strange about the TV he brought over after saying it was in another country.
The things these MLC'ers do will just have us shaking our heads.

It definitely sounds like things are progressing in the right direction.

[tigerlily78]

Busting Out, sounds like the tv thing is good news. I am still in that stage where I worry a little bit everyday if mine is going to move something OUT of the house. Movement in the other direction must feel good, just remember to keep your patience about you and let him keep moving at his own pace. You can't rush it.

[BrightFuture]

Hey busting, welcome to the Midlife forum. I guess I missed the latest developments about the TV and talks with your S9. I agree with job, there is definitely something going on.

I thought about what you said about your insecurities regarding people mocking you. I can see how it affects your thoughts about your H blaming you for him leaving and his A. You definitely need to work on that, so you are not giving out that kind of vibe. You are very strong, caring, attractive woman. You need to believe in yourself.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi bustingout, welcome to our side of the picnic blanket!

I'm impressed with how long you have been dealing with your H and you still sound so gracious and loving. He is truly giving you one wild ride. In the short few minutes I've know you, you have inspired me to keep going, have multitudes of patience and carry on.

I've heard that them slooooooowly moving things back home is a very positive sign. Good for you!!

[CallaghanClown]

Welcome and pass the wine! A picnic isn't a picnic without wine.

Don't doubt yourself when it comes to MLC. You may be wrong but that won't make a difference. Even if you are right, he may never return so you might as well have a bloody good laugh sitting back and eating popcorn while he spirals.

[bustingout]

Awww thank you Cadet ((((HUGS)))), Wonka, job, Say, lost, tiger, BF, pud and CC. ((((((((Hugs to you all))))))))

p.s. I LOVE wine :-)

Deep down I know I have the strength for this. Tonight, I am having trouble finding it though.

The facts TODAY (as I know them)....

-H is still having an affair.
-H has brought stuff home (tv, etc).
-H has been noticeably nicer and friendlier. Shares stories. We laugh. responds to texts (99 percent of them about kids).
-H still speaks in terms of 'us' and 'we', and in the same sentence will say 'you and the kids' like he is not a part of the equation.
-H does NOT initiate conversations with me about 'me'. i.e. 'how was your day', etc...
-H is convinced that the political and economic situation in this country is in a downward spiral (it is...) and that we (me and the kids) need to leave in the next year or so. He 'assumes' this would mean we move to the country he is now living in now. (We had this conversation tonight...well, he talked and I listened and validated and told him I would need time to think about what he has said).
-His affair still hurts me and plays on my self esteem and womanhood. I still feel less of a person because of it.
-I have no desire to be in a R right now.
-I sometimes think about running myself.
-I feel there is more I need to work on for me.
-There is something I am still holding on to that I am afraid to let go of but I dont know what it is.
-I still have some social anxiety from all of this.

The SPECULATIONS/DOUBTS (as I speculate/doubt TODAY)

-H is not bringing stuff back home as a S-L-O-W reconnection, but emptying out his apartment here because he is not ever moving back to this country. The stuff he is bringing over is stuff he left behind here. He has duplicate stuff in the country he is in now.
-I want to believe it is a S-l-O-W reconnection, but am afraid to because OW is still in picture.
-H and OW have a 'plan'.
-I am fooling myself and am a fool for standing.
-That I am not strong enough to move forward.
- That I am being mocked and pitied by H and OW.
-That I have not let go enough.
-That H is emotionally in a good place and I am 'using' MLC as an 'excuse'.
-That H thinks I am totally cool with his new lifestyle, including his affair.
-H is not having MLC. There is no confusion. There simply is nothingness for me and what we once had.



Hmmmmm.....That felt good to let it out. Thank you for reading my rants!

love, Busting.

So...what triggered this....

Lets start with this...I am VERY tired. I am organising a conference at school and for the past 10 days have been working on it, including evening events..so am a bit sleep deprived...that means for me...more emotional.

Second...H has been wanting to have this conversation about leaving the country for a while now. Tonight was the first time we had the chance since he arrived. He initiated.

During this conversation one of the things he said was ...'and people are already gossiping that I want to sell the house to get you out. They are saying that "busting's H is selling the house because he has someone in country x and is kicking his wife out of the house in country y"....but you know busting that I dont care about gossip.'

What bugged me is that he is still having an affair. It bugged me because I felt he was trying to plan MY future to fit with HIS needs. That I was just going to move to country x so he would still be able to drop in on the kids while having his affair.

In theory I do not want the kids and H in separate countries..in theory I do not want H and I separated! How do I reconcile the reality of separation and his affair, with still being close enough to H for the kids? I am convinced H is not moving back to this country (HIS country...I came here when we got married)


-I feel

[LoisB]

-H is not bringing stuff back home as a S-L-O-W reconnection, but emptying out his apartment here because he is not ever moving back to this country. The stuff he is bringing over is stuff he left behind here. He has duplicate stuff in the country he is in now.
-I want to believe it is a S-l-O-W reconnection, but am afraid to because OW is still in picture.
-H and OW have a 'plan'.
-I am fooling myself and am a fool for standing.
-That I am not strong enough to move forward.
- That I am being mocked and pitied by H and OW.
-That I have not let go enough.
-That H is emotionally in a good place and I am 'using' MLC as an 'excuse'.
-That H thinks I am totally cool with his new lifestyle, including his affair.
-H is not having MLC. There is no confusion. There simply is nothingness for me and what we once had.

Busting,

What about going through these one by one?

H is not bringing stuff back home as a S-L-O-W reconnection, but emptying out his apartment here because he is not ever moving back to this country. The stuff he is bringing over is stuff he left behind here. He has duplicate stuff in the country he is in now.

Honestly, you would have to be a mindreader, psychic, psychoanalyst, male depression expert and man who experienced MLC to even begin to understand his motives.

You have NO control over what he thinks, feels, does, believes, says... The point is moot because you just can't know. Maybe you will know at some point...but, for now, you have to be ok with NOT KNOWING. For all you know, he is bringing stuff back because he wants you to have more stuff! Or maybe he is reconnecting! Who knows. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

-I want to believe it is a S-l-O-W reconnection, but am afraid to because OW is still in picture.

Maybe it is. It's very possible--even with the OW in the picture. Still, what do we know as facts about MLC-ers? They are foggy. They don't plan well. They are forgetful and in some type of foggy state of mind. Maybe, EVEN HE Doesn't know why he bringing stuff over???? Head back to answer number one, above--No way of truly knowing right now. Even if he were to put into words what he was thinking, it may still be as much a mystery as before. His brain is mush.

-H and OW have a 'plan'.Seriously? A plan? YOu have to have a functioning brain to plan. She may have a plan that he is aware of or not. I seriously doubt he has a plan. If he does, it probably changes hour to hour.

-I am fooling myself and am a fool for standing.

Why does standing for your marriage make you a fool? Isn't the definition of a fool someone who does irrational things. Seems to me, your H is more the fool in this equation. Or, at least, he is operating with a fool's mind right now. YOu sound pretty lucid. I suspect you are standing because you have invested a lot in your marriage and partner and hope to have a future together. I don't think that's foolish. I think it sounds normal.

That I am not strong enough to move forward.

Based upon what evidence? Sounds like you have been on your own in a separate country from your H for some time. So, aren't you already moving forward? You have handled it so far and you are still alive. What does it mean to be "strong enough" to move forward? Forward with what? Separation is forward. For today, you ARE handling what's been thrown at you. You aren't under a rock, you are standing and getting stuff done.

You get the idea.

Once I started breaking things down into bite-sized pieces and really exploring my underlying beliefs, I felt better.

Look at it logically.

That I am being mocked and pitied by H and OW. How could you possibly know? Why do we care? I've gotten stuck on this one. One kind of person forms a relationship with a married man with kids? Not a very healthy one. Beyond that, you don't need to know anymore. She is sick and probably mirrors his state of mind right now. You can't because you are healthier. You wouldn't tolerate what she is tolerating. Let them mock, let them stand on their heads. It doesn't make their relationship anymore real. It's still a farce based upon lies and two broken people. Be glad you aren't her.

That H is emotionally in a good place and I am 'using' MLC as an 'excuse'

What are your facts? What does an emotionally healthy guy look like? Is doing stuff that you would qualify as emotionally healthy? He is married and having an affair, right?

Break it down.

Much Love,

Heather