Limbo is the new normal

[NeedingMore]

HI Slow...

You are so right about the difference an hour or a day can make! I am so glad to check in and see things on the positive!

Great!

[slow_it_down]

From a high high to another low low. My H's midlife crisis over his career has come to a head and I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired (exhausted) allowing our happiness to be kept at a distance. We are going on year 3 of having our lives be in this odd holding pattern hoping for a local job to come open and I'm just tired of waiting for my H to cheer up and enjoy what he does have.

I spent so much time after my 1st marriage ended trying to understand my own shortcomings. I was 100% upfront with my H about everything from finances to where I want to live when we started dating because I didn't want to carry over any old issues. Yet, here I am being the baggage holding him back from the life he wants/wanted. I told him on date 1 or 2 that I didn't want to move away and he was ok with that until it wasn't ok and now I can't give him support in finding his next job. It is so frustrating to be the unintentional source of his life's greatest challenge.

Meanwhile my H has been moping around, not helping with the baby, and complaining he's not able to find another job while not even sending out a resume. I'm still eating by myself most every night and on Friday he left 5 minutes before the dinner I was making for him was out of the oven.

Where is all this rambling going? Well we had a conversation where I said it's seeming more and more like we are both looking for different things, and I mentioned that maybe we should just be friends. He argued a bit about that, said he's trying, and apologized about leaving early Friday.

I texted him twice today and he replied immediately, albeit only very terse answers. So where we stand is anyone's guess.

The ball is back in his court. If spending time with me and my kids isn't something he wants than this non confrontational end to things is best. Otherwise, it's on him to stand up for this relationship.

If his career and work is really the only thing in life that makes him happy, this is not a relationship I want to be in.

[NeedingMore]

HI Slow...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel like you are at a very tough place in regards to DBing. So, I am going to take the standpoint of devil's advocate in reverse!! You are undoubtedly being tested and since you have been through the ringer for the last 3 years on this subject, you have every right to be fed up. I will say that you have described the ups and downs, and seem so happy when they are the ups. I am sure you are just venting here and that you are not ready to give up...but have you ever thought of giving in...and considering what may happen if you tell your husband that you will support him no matter what? Perhaps he needs to know that you love him enough to trust his judgment. I agree that it was upfront and smart of you to talk with him about your desires when you first met...but life changes things. Is it possible that he needs more support? (Believe me, I know you do too!!!) You have been DBing for a reason...but you haven't done all of this work to give up now. Remember how it takes a long time. Remember how far you've come and not how far you have to go.
xoxoxo

[Confluences]

I agree 200% with the above comments.

[slow_it_down]

The irony here is that I did just that on Friday before this latest derailment occurred. I told him he should go for whatever jobs he wanted to and that we'd all sacrifice if need be.

I know as well as anyone how important meaningful work is to men. I carry a lot of guilt holding him back. Believe me, I would love to move. I would do it in a heartbeat if I didn't have kids. However, my X husband left the military and started a new career moving 3 states to be here with our kids. He's remarried and settled down here and taking them away from him is not something I take lightly. Plus, I live near my folks who I lean very heavily on. My mom is literally using all of her vacation days this year to make it possible for me to work. My H can't even be bothered to use a single minute of his time off to help. He'll use his time off to go hunting, fishing, trips alone, but won't spare any for me or my kids, ever.

In premarital counseling we talked about how you have to put your spouse above all else, even your kids. Having kids from a previous marriage makes that incredibly complicated because I really have to balance what's fair to my kids and my H's needs. I thought making it a point to mention this upfront would head this all off. I was wrong.

So on Friday I gave him a green light to get what he wants at the expense of what I want, what the kids want, what my support system wants, what my kids dad wants. And what happens? He hops up to leave to put out applications with the biggest smile like a weights been lifted. Clearly this is what he wants. Meanwhile, it was his birthday and dinner was minutes from being done, a dinner I made for him. He left before my kids had a chance to give him the cards they'd made for him, or to watch him open the presents they picked out for him. He left with me trying to soothe the baby by myself while also getting food out of the oven and served. What do you tell kids when they ask why you are eating someone else's birthday treat without them?

Part of me felt very hurt by his selfishness, the other part a very calm sense of acceptance that clearly what I offer is not what he wants. I let his needs take priority and he immediately walked all over us.

What's happening now isn't even an argument. It's just a sad acceptance that the things that need 'fixing' can't be fixed. I need to look out for myself because I can't count on him. He needs to look out for himself because he's miserable and can't be happy with what he has.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I just can't keep giving everything and getting not only my heartbroken but my kids hearts broken over and over. I love my H and want him to be happy but I can't keep doing this.

He still sees all of this as a communication problem and is ready to stop arguing. He's gearing up his place to start having the baby over. The irony is that now he'll be forced to do all the things he wouldn't do when we were together. He'll have to commit to certain times rather than being free to do whatever he wants. He'll have to hold our S for longer than 10 minutes per day, and will have to actually start taking care of him. I will miss my S tremendously while he is w/ his dad but at least I'll have free hands to make dinner, clean or spend time w/ the older two - something I couldn't do when my H would be over for an hour before excusing himself to go to bed without helping.

[slow_it_down]

Amazing isn't it? How you can look your partner in the eye and ask for what you want but they can't give it to you until you are out of their lives. Amazing that I couldn't get this man to come home before 7:30pm from work, but he can snap his fingers and now be able to get our S from daycare by 4 or 5pm several nights per week. Amazing that he's worked every weekend since we've been married but on day 1 of our current separation now he's suddenly available to have our son every other weekend.

Amazing how he heard our son cry for 2 minutes last week before declaring "I can't deal with this [censored]" when I really needed his help while I finished my work only to tell me today he can handle having the baby overnight on his weekends.

This reminds me of last year when after years of telling me he could never hit the beach in the summer because of work he took his new girlfriend to the beach 2 weeks after we separated.

I'm tremendously sad but this really reinforces what I've been feeling. All I wanted was to feel like he could be happy with me.

On the positive I had a promising job interview today for a position that would alleviate some stress in my life at the moment. I'm a believer of prayer and despite feeling a great deal of pain I can't help but feel like God is taking care of me to get me through this.

I'm sorry to those looking to my sitch for hope. I feel I've let you down by pushing my H away.

[slow_it_down]

Well that answers that question. My H just rolled into my driveway with a woman in the car to pick up our 5 month old son for his 2nd day of visitation with him. Nice. I told him what, 5 days ago that this wasn't going to work out because he doesn't seem to want our relationship and there is already another women in his passenger seat. I wish I could say I'm surprised. Hurt, but not surprised.

He says its a 'very good friend' to help him with the baby. He took a long pause and didn't reply when I asked if this was the gal he was seeing over the summer. I know I shouldn't have asked who she was, but I did.

I have been beating myself up for 5 months wondering why he didn't want to come home to me every night. Wondering what was so wrong with me. I tried and tried to push down my concerns whenever red flags popped up that hinted that maybe something else was going on. I had suspicions when he wanted to take the baby to work with him alone, when he had somewhere else he wanted to be on his birthday night. I berated myself for not just cutting him slack and for assuming the worst each time I had those gut feelings.

I feel like I was just flattened with a truck, but I want to leave you all with a good ending before I take a break from this forum to figure out what to do next.

Last night my son graduated from karate and we had cupcakes at my house. My ex husband, his new wife and baby were over enjoying a treat with my family. My ex had cheated on me, gotten another women pregnant TWICE and things ended pretty spectacularly. He dated his current wife behind my back and when I found out about her we were pretty ugly to each other.

Fast forward 10 years and here we are all in one room enjoying each others company trading stories about the recent cruise my x and his wife went on. His wife even visited me in the hospital and brought me a gift when my son was born. We aren't 'friends' but we exchange gifts at holidays and talk like friends would. My point is this, it took a few years to get to this place but there is healing in any relationship.

It looks like I wasn't able to save my marriage, but I hope you are able to save yours. Stay strong and God Bless -

Best,
Slow It Down

[Confluences]

Slow~

I wanted you to know how sad I am to hear your post here. I have been going to a faith-based support group that meets weekly and it has made a huge difference for me. It's for divorced and separated people. The moderators are a married couple that have been divorced prior and the program is really structured and really well presented.

You can get information at www.divorcecare.org and type in your zip code to find a group that is near you. This is more of a secular forum here but the live group interaction has made a huge difference in a very short amount of time for me personally. I know it would do the same for you as well.

I know you have the little ones but it's totally worth it to make arrangements to go once a week (some have child care on site) and even if they are 3 or 4 sessions into the program, it's still worth going. There is also a daily e-mail you can get from them which is nice but the live program is really good simply because it's a lot cheaper then any 1-on-1 counseling and it addresses so many relevant topics via video presentations, group discussions, and a workbook.

Your WAS is not in a good place and maybe he'll realize that and maybe not but you just have to come to terms with that you ultimately cannot control the actions of other people. That's a hard reality to accept but it can be the beginning of a path to peace and acceptance. You will get through this difficult phase if you focus on the healing and seeking some structure to facilitate that healing process.

Please keep in touch and let me know if you're able to to find a local group near you. I wish you all the best because you were a huge a help when I was in a dark place and I owe you a debt of gratitude for all your kind words of encouragement.

Keep the faith, keep in touch, and many blessings for your journey ahead. You have done a noble thing here and it was the right thing.

All my best

[slow_it_down]

Thanks Confluences, I found a few in my area. I'll have to look through to see if I can find one that suits my schedule. Thank you so much for your responses over the past few months. Knowing that someone out there was reading and offering support has been really helpful in getting through these up and downs.

It turns out I was 'wrong' to some degree about the gal in the car. However, I had a big 'aha' moment today and I just wanted to share it.

I went to confession today at church to get myself clear of some of the negativity I've been swirling in so I can start putting one foot in front of the other in getting myself back on track with my own goals. In talking to the priest he offered some advice pertaining to visitation. Saying that I should make my H visit the baby here at my house and if my H wants to take the baby away he can go through the courts to be able to do so. It occurred to me that I've been so busy trying to 'keep the peace' and be 'agreeable' that I've not been putting the baby's needs above all else.

I've been really nervous about my H having the baby alone for long periods of time because of how little experience he's had taking care of him. I decided to talk to him about only visiting the baby here at my place for the time being. I even worked out a way for him to see the baby when my mom is here if he would prefer not to see me while visiting. Then, when he brought the baby back tonight I about had a heart attack to see the baby was riding in a forward facing car seat ( a huge no-no for a 5 month old baby). It confirmed that I should be doing more to look out for my little guy's well being while still being supportive of his dad visiting him.

My H wasn't pleased to hear that I wanted him to visit the baby here. However, after researching custody rules I'm finding that in many cases fathers only take babies for a few hours at a time and only overnight when they are a year or two old. I also read that courts take into account how much experience a father has with an infant and how much care they were taking of the child before separation before making visitation agreements.

My point is, I was so busy trying to draw up visitation plans that were 'fair' to my H and I when I should have been considering what was the safest and best for our son. I told my H he is welcome to see our son as much as he wants, he just has to see him here until he gains some more experience caring for him. If I have to go to court I'm ok with that.

And as an aside, he said he'd be happy to bring in all kinds of materials to prove I'm bi-polar to the courts. I replied that I could understand why he'd be frustrated but that I was just doing what I thought was best for our son while he is so young. Of course I'm a bit partial, but I think any reasonable court would see that I've successfully gotten my older kids through their childhood years just fine.

[Confluences]

Slow~

Glad you found some groups near you but you need to keep me posted on being able to find one to attend......I'm holding you accountable!

Regarding the "little guy", the fact that he did not put him in the car seat properly should make your decision final about him taking him away for the next 12 months. Him throwing the threats is nothing to worry about at this time, just ignore it. As long as you're open to him visiting as needed then you should be fine.

Do what you got to do to take care of yourself and your kids for now and don't neglect your personal & spiritual needs. Keep me posted on finding a DC Group.

Regards