I was going to move to mlc forum, but got locked out of my last thread before I could say my goodbyes to newcomers, so I'm still here until I hit the limit on this thread.
I'm hardly a newcomer any more, but don't want to 'lose' any friends from here by seeming to disappear.
Anyway, by way of documenting the process, i wanted to report on what happened in the third week of XH's new 'dinner-with-family' mode.
Last Wednesday night was a doozy. It was not his suggested Thursday night, as D17 had asked him to change to the night before so she could come out with us. It was end of exams for her cohort on Thurs night and her friends had all planned to go out together.
He arrived all amped up - belligerent and argumentative.
It only took 2 secs of us all in the car together for him to crack. He asked D17 where she was going on Thurs night. She said she didn't know yet.
XH went ballistic - stopped the car in the middle of the road and tore strips off her. "I changed my night especially for you and you don't even know where you're going?"
I came to her rescue trying to explain that kids these days use phones to make their decisions about where and when to go at the last minute, but he was having none of it. We were all withholding information, from his pov.
A little later on we had stopped at traffic lights and a police car pulled up next to us. S15, as is his wont, put forth a hypothetical: "What if I was being abducted by a stranger and I mimed to the police 'Help, I'm being abducted'? Would they understand and rescue me?
XH went off. "You won't ever be abducted; you don't fit the profile. Kids like you from good schools don't' get abducted (WTF!!). And anyway, it's not strangers you have to worry about. It's your parents and grandparents and other relatives.. they are the ones you have to worry about doing something dangerous to you."
The kids and I were stunned. I felt like asking him to pull over so we could all get out. He seemed manic.
This set the tone for the rest of the evening.
He took us to an out-of-the way restaurant - a weird place that had 1970s decor (and not in an ironic sense) and was cavernous, but quite empty of customers.
He was sarcastic, rude and racist to the waitress (bellowing about goat being on the menu and about the state of the toilets, among other things). The kids and I were cringing. This was just so unlike him....
Then D17 made her second mistake. Asked him to lend her $300 for the bond she needs to pay at the guesthouse that she's staying in for end-of-school-year celebrations at a coastal town with her friends.
These events are a bit notorious, so accommodation providers tend to stick a big bond on the bookings. Good old dad will help out won't he? He'll get his money back, too.
Not on your life. An mlcer and his money are never parted (unless its to spend on himself or his OW).
How did he get out of it? By starting a huge argument with her.
Where are you staying? She told him. Where is that? "I don't have the exact address on me but it's in coastal town." That's not good enough. You can't expect me to give you money if i don't know where it is.
"It's on google, just look it up if you're worried." How dare you be so rude to me. I will not put up with your rudeness. I've paid over a million dollars in education fees and this is how you treat me. I'm not going to give you the money now.
Silence ensued and then the kids asked to go for gelati like we do every meal we have with him.
He then brought us home and came in to the house with us, even though it was late. He was chatting away for a bit (standing in the hall) and then quite suddenly, said "What are you doing about Xmas". Kids said "we don't know yet."
He said "Well i need to know cause i won't be here much longer".
We all took a big breath. "I'm going away for work. Ring me if you ever want to go out to dinner again", and without saying goodbye, he was gone.
Next day he rang S15 several times and apologised for being so angry.
I was in a pure rage, nothing you can do about it, other than to stay clear.
Yes beware of violence, I would get so worked up I would put my fist through something and God forbid someone was near, unintentional damage can happen…
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey guys, That's interesting - I didn't think of it as rage.
I jumped straight to mania.
A friend of mine said - what do you expect when he's had to lie to OW about why he's out? In other words, the Wed night caused great difficulty for him when he normally sees us on the night OW works late, and hence she doesn't know.
Anyway, the other thing I thought was that it's pretty typical of the peek out/back- to-replay pattern that's talked about.
All in all, it's been pretty useful in helping the kids and I detach from him. The more we see of him acting like this, the less we long for the old days. He is patently not right; no-where near.
Well, today is dinner-with-dad Thursday. I got a call from XH at lunchtime asking if he can take the kids out for dinner.
He then says he wants to take them on his own.
OK, I say, happy as a clam.
When I tell D17, she says she will be busy this evening getting a tan and packing her bags to go to away with her friends. She rings him and tells him. He is annoyed.
When I tell S15, he says he won't go out with H on his own. I ask him to ring and tell XH before he shows up on our doorstep, but S15 says he doesn't care enough to ring him.
XH is very put out when he arrives and S15 won't go. He insists that I MAKE S15 go with him. I say he can sort it out with S15 himself - as he is sitting right in front of him.
XH tells S15 that he's too young to make his own decisions.
He keeps trying to make me make S15 go with him.
In the end he spends an hour giving S15 a 'talking to'.
I hear S15 telling him that he doesn't like him, doesn't care about him anymore and has been let down by him too often.
Then, all of a sudden, XH comes into the room where i am and asks me if i want to go out to dinner.
I feel like I have been put into a no-win situation. I end up saying that I don't want to push myself where I'm not wanted.
He stands there for a bit looking undecided about what to do/say and then turns on his heel without a word to any of us and walks out. Sits in his car in the driveway for about 5 mins and then drives off.
Okay, let me preface this by saying that you are amazing to be so strong through all the nutter activities over especially the past year!!
Two, I really feel compassion for your H right now. While I cannot even guess where or what is in his head,even with his manic phase, he seems more lucid at times than I've seen him portrayed.
With lucidity begins to come flashes of " WTF have I done?"
I thought it was evident in the apology to S and the money to D, two things that even six months ago he wouldn't have done.
I am not saying the guy is repentant and now beating himself over the head. I am saying there just seems to be momentary clearing as the fog drifts for just the instant.
I can't even begin to know how I would deal with the pain I caused if I was your H. I don't know if I could even go there myself.
Well, today is dinner-with-dad Thursday. I got a call from XH at lunchtime asking if he can take the kids out for dinner.
He then says he wants to take them on his own.
OK, I say, happy as a clam.
I think maybe your reply implied that you would make sure the kids were ready to go when he got there, which clearly wasn't the case. Perhaps it would have been a good idea to tell him that you were fine with it, but he needed to coordinate it with the kids himself.
I know he's "crazy" in an MLC way and that has got to be tremendously difficult to deal with for you, but keep in mind 25's mantra about keeping the way home "paved and smooth". When he showed up he was met with resistance and negativity from all 3 of you. It could be argued that he deserved it, but DB'ing isn't about getting even, it's about showing the WAS what they're missing. In this particular instance he had to walk away thinking he wasn't missing much.
NLW, I haven't been up to date on your stitch in quite a while and figured I'd stop by. I was thinking "I hope NLW is in a much better place!"
Good news/bad news, I think YOU are in a better place, but your H is still off-the-rails nuts. I do think you might want to consider setting a boundary that if he's not able to control these angry outbursts, you're going to suspend Thursday dinners.
Why does he still have access to you and the kids if this is how he acts?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
