I spoke in person with H yesterday regarding my feelings after our conversation last Sunday about him wanting the best of both worlds. I had planned on writing him an email or letter, but decided to talk to him in person because he always told me during our M that I took the easy way out by always writing things down and not addressing things in person.
Before I went into everything, I went through all of the positive things to set the ton of the conversation. I told H that I still hope that we can build a new marriage, but knew that he was not there. I told him that I am still willing to give him time and space. I told him that I want to ensure that both of us get plenty of time with the kids. I also told him that I really want to make sure that we can continue to co-parent in a positive way. My DB Coach recommended that I start with this so that H did not think that I was officially ending things and/or trying to punish him.
I told H that I did not share his visions of the future. I told H that I needed some space and time to work on myself and to focus on myself and the kids. I told him that it is hard to do that when he is at our house 7 days a week. I explained how hard it is when I see him laying in our bed. I focused on my feelings and just said that I had been focusing on everyone else for so long that I was not protecting myself.
I also told him that while he is still in a relationship with OW, I cannot be in a relationship with him outside of the kids/logistics. I told him that it hurt for me to say that, but that it hurts being in a one-sided friendship. I told him that I am scared that if I make myself vulnerable trying to be friends with him and he continues his relationship with OW and continues to hurt me with OW, I will get to a place that it will be difficult to co-parent. I told him for the time being, I just cant open up my heart to him when he told me that he cannot protect it and will continue to pursue OW.
I went through my proposed changes to our week. I told him that he could still have a family day (or part of the day) once a week. I told him that during the holidays, it could be more since I know that we already have some stuff scheduled with the kids.
I held it together pretty well, although I had tears in my eyes. I think that for the first time ever, I was just vulnerable. I was not accusatory or angry or anything other than 100% vulnerable with my feelings. This has been a problem in our M.
H listened to everything I said and did not say much in response. He just cried.
I have no idea what is going to happen from here. I am scared. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. H has been my best fried for the past 15 years. But I feel like I needed to do this or H would have continued to think that I am perfectly happen to live in his fantasy. I pray that one day we can have a real friendship and maybe something more.
I figure that we have some time on our side since you have to be separated one year to finalize divorce here (nothing has been filed or discussed). I will use every second of our family time to continue to show my new self. We can maintain some connection. I will use every second alone to continue to grow and work on myself. Although I am scared, I feel like I have better control over my life. I still have hope and will continue to DB.
I will be seeing H today to go to an open house for my son's school. This could be interesting.
3, you should be so proud of yourself. I can't imagine a better way for you to handle this crappy situation. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable (same issue in my M, something I am working on) and I am so impressed that you kept it together.
That must have been very difficult to get no response from H. Who knows what H's crying was about, but if he's like most Hs and rarely cries, I'd venture to say he is upset by more than just the threat to his delusional post-D world.
You have given him a lot to think about. Hopefully he will get his head out of his u know what and start to see things in reality.
I know you are probably scared right now - it is really hard to have no idea what is going to happen - but you can take comfort knowing that you are taking care of yourself and your family and that you are stronger than you probably even knew.
Hang in there!! ((hugs))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
WOW 3, you continue to amaze me. I second everything melissag said.
Maybe your H needed to see the firm side of you and you gave that too him. I think this is exactly what I will be talking to my db coach tomorrow about.
I admire the way you have handled this so far. It's ok to be scared, it's a new step. If you feel deep in your core that you did what was right, then it is only that much better for you.
YOU...will be OK. I just know it. HUGS 3!!!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Well done on your talk 3boyzmom. Very well done. Now make sure you keep it going.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Just like you all mentioned, my new challenge is to keep going. My H is going to give me a run for my money trying to enforce these boundaries.
Not much changed yesterday since Sunday was our scheduled family day. H was supposed to come for lunch before heading to an event with our son. H sent a text asking if it was ok to shower at the house or if he should get ready first and then come over (he had been out biking). I sent a text back saying "I would just get ready real fast and then head over." After dinner, he asked about the upcoming week and whether I wanted him to cover over early. He said that he knows that it much better for me to leave early so that I can get to work, get everything done and be back for the kids. I told him that we are set and that he can just pick up the kiddos for school. I tried to be appreciative and friendly, but firm. This is new for my because I always cave to make others happy.
The hard part is that H is never mean. I know that he is trying to help me (and himself). But I really need to make sure that I can do this on my own. If he decides to leave the M, I cannot depend upon him on a daily basis.
Here is where I need some advice. H has been texting me about the kids. It is nothing that I actually need to respond to (not logistics related). I have responded to these texts about the kids and I think that I should continue to do so in order to maintain some connection. I dont want to shut him out completely. Any recommendations?
Hi 3, your H has realized now that you have boundaries and he sees them...otherwise he wouldn't be asking so much if this is ok and if that's ok. Good for you for being polite but firm.
I think by his asking you about what should he do and texting you about the kids with non-critical stuff is he is testing you...trying to see if you are still there. Personally I would be very selective about which ones I answered. He needs to know what it will be like if you are NOT THERE. And seriously only answer if you feel like it. If YOU feel like it.
Stick to your boundaries, you can do this.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I went to sleep so early last night that I woke up at 3 am and could not get back to sleep. I laid in bed and contemplated my current situation. For so long, I had longed to go back to before BD. It was as if I had lived two separate lives ... before H told me he no longer loved me and after H told me he no longer loved me. I have spent months telling myself that I hate my life and that this totally (censored).
But you know what ... my current life is a million times better than the life I was living just one year ago. I feel like a completely different person. I am strong and confident. I am happy with my little family. Dont get me wrong, I am still traumatized by the current state of my marriage and the loss of my best friend. But I would not go back to my life last year.
The past couple of months I have been focusing on what I needed to change and where my role was in the demise of our marriage. I realized that I never really wrote about what happened in the two years prior to BD. I wanted to get everyone's take on the crisis that I believe that H was experiencing.
Here is a brief summary: H experienced a medical emergency two years to the day before BD. It was completely out of the blue. H was hospitalized on and off for four months. When he was home, he was on IV antibiotics. H had a major surgery. Needless to say, this was super stressful of everyone.
As soon as H recovered, H switched companies and threw himself into a new business venture. He was gone 24/7 building his business. The goal was for him to build his business so that he could eventually get more time off and eventually I would be able to go part-time or quit by job. H started working full time with OW at this point. Instead of coming to be with business related questions (like he usually did), he went to her. And so there relationship began.
Just when things were settling down, H got hit with some really stressful issues involving his prior company. This hit H really hard. He was angry. He worked ever harder to grow his business to how his old company what they lost.
With all the stress, H started going out more and started drinking more often. A few months later he got a DUI. H did not think that he deserved the DUI and the related punishments because he blew just over the legal limit. While one would think that spending a night in jail would be rock bottom, it was only the beginning for H.
H started drinking by himself at home (which he never did before). H stopped coming home at night. H wound up in neighboring state one night, getting a ride with strangers (or with OW but he refuses to tell me the truth). OW got a DUI after dropping H off (she drove the wrong way down a highway). I would think that he was at work and would wake up to find him still out. He would not answer his phone. I would sit up all night holding our newborn baby, sobbing while I waited to see if H was alive. I learned the number to the local jail and would call to see if H had been arrested.
H could care less about how scary it was for me. The last time this happened, H stumbled through our door still drunk the following morning. I had an appointment that I was supposed to go to. H could not understand why I would not leave the kids with him.
It blew my mind that H would take these risks. It was as if he seemed invisible. How can you risk never seeing your children again or killing someone's husband/wife/child in order to just get drunk. This is not the man that I knew for the prior 13 years. Between these things and the A, it seems like there was more going on then him just falling out of love with me.
Are these signs of a MLC or just a crisis in general?
