need 180 help

[juliegayle]

First I apologize if I am doing this wrong. I had a question and wasn't sure if I should add it to my intro thread or start a new post.

One of my H complaints is that I am nagging and controlling. He also says I worry about everything too much and need to just go with the flow.

So a 180 I have been doing is not asking him to do as much around the house. I have been not freaking out when things take 2 or 3 days to get done because I am doing it all myself.

Here is the question.

Where and how do I draw the line before becoming a doormat?

Ex. The other day I got home from work at 10p. I checked my son's back pack and noticed his homework hadn't been touched. I asked H why and he said "I just forgot to do it with him" I knew H expected a fight so I did opposite and said "I will get him up early to do it" and walked away.

Yesterday I worked late again and he was off work. He offered to clean kitchen so it would be decent for babysitter today while we both work. I got home and the kitchen was a nightmare. I didn't start a fight just started to do it myself. He said I could go to bed he would di it. So now it is morning,sitter is due, and of course the kitchen is a disaster.

If I say anything to him I will validate one of his negative images of me because he is expecting me to complain and will hear any mention of it as a complaint. But if I say nothing am I setting myself up to become a doormat?

[melissag]

Hi Julie, if you have a thread already started, you should just keep adding on to that thread. It's easier for people to respond and give you good advice when they can scroll back to catch up on your situation and what has already been said.

I'm not entirely clear on your H's complaint. When he says you are nagging and controlling, does he really mean because you ask him to make sure that S's homework is done or the kitchen is clean? (BTW, which S was the homework for? If it's for the older ones, the nagging should be directed at them. In fact, my 9 yo is responsible for her homework too - though it may be different for you, not sure what your S's special needs are.)

If cleaning the kitchen is fairly your H's responsibility, can you just let it go if he doesn't do it? I mean, say nothing and just let it be? Don't do it for him. See if he does it himself. If not, then maybe he will feel badly about it and do it next time.

I forget your sitch bc this is a new thread and your signature doesn't have much info about your R at the moment, so I'm not sure what the dynamic is in your M.

Anyway, if it is clear who is supposed to do what, I'd say just do your stuff and let H do his. Say nothing if he doesn't do it.

[Mimi00]

I think how you reacted to the homework was great.
Is there a set time for homework daily? If not maybe that would help you child remember on their own.

As far as cleaning and other tasks....I think pick and choose what would be best in each situation....if H says he's going to clean the kitchen/thats his usual house task....unless its a hazard...leave it a mess for a few days and don't say a word. I say let there be no plates to eat on for a day! Lol
But that's just my opinion.

[juliegayle]

I will try to figure out how to copy original post and bring here so everything is together. .
The homework was for 9 year old. He has a visual impairment, mild CP, and moderate intellectual delay. He cannot do homework independently.

I am trying to give H space, not nag etc. But he seems to interpret everything as a complaint. At the same time if he is just staying for kids he needs to be there to meet their needs.

[melissag]

Well, your H has got it in his head that all you do is complain and nag. I am sure that you do other things that are neutral or good, but right now in his mind, you don't. At some point, if you completely and consistently stop complaining and nagging, he will have to acknowledge in his head that his view of you is incorrect.

I'm still not sure whether you have an agreed upon system for who does what. If not, it might be useful to say, "H, things are a little crazy right now, and I'm not always sure how we are running things around here. I just want to make sure that we get everything done, especially when it comes to the children, and that I am pulling my load here. Can we try to figure out who is responsible for what so that we are both clear on it?"