It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[Fight4MyWife]

So I spoke to my wife again today about me moving out of the house.

I stood my ground and refused to move out. I have also tried to delay mediation until January to give me some time and also because it is more convenient for me & my business. However, she says that she is not willing to wait until January to start mediation so I get the impression she is now going to begin court action. She didn't get angry this time & stayed calm but just said something like "right if that's your final answer, fine"

Are you guys who have advised standing my ground and staying in the house really sure about this?

She seems like she believes that I am not thinking about the needs of my son as well and it looks like this is actually going to push her even faster towards wanting a divorce.

I wouldn't want her & my son to end up in some run down area either.

So, now what?

[AnotherStander]

Are you guys who have advised standing my ground and staying in the house really sure about this?

Yes, it's not to save your marriage or make your W happy, the point is that moving is a huge inconvenience and the WAS should have to bear that, not the LBS. Your life has been turned upside down as it is, do you really want to make it worse by leaving your familiar home too? Plus when kids are involved they see the family house as "home", it's their anchor and comfort at a time their life is also in upheaval. Regardless of the reasons, the kids always view the person that leaves that home as the "guilty" party. That should be the WAS.

She seems like she believes that I am not thinking about the needs of my son as well and it looks like this is actually going to push her even faster towards wanting a divorce.

WAS's LOOOOOOOVE to "blame" their choices and decisions on the LBS. "I'm only pursuing D because you pushed me into it by doing XYZ." It's all part of the script. Quit worrying. Leave her to live her life while you work on YOU.

[jp787]

Are you guys who have advised standing my ground and staying in the house really sure about this?

She seems like she believes that I am not thinking about the needs of my son as well and it looks like this is actually going to push her even faster towards wanting a divorce.

I wouldn't want her & my son to end up in some run down area either.

So, now what?

I stand by not moving out. She may move forward with court or D, if so I don't think giving in will stop that, just might prolong it.

You can offer to keep your son with you.

You have to make the choices for yourself though, take some time and do what you feel is best, we only see what you share.

[Fight4MyWife]

I have also offered her 3 alternative solutions.

1) I could give up work & look after our son full-time.

2) Our son could live at the house with me and she could come and be with him at the house during the day while I went to work

3) She could come home & live as room mates without me trying to talk to her or pressure her. Giving her space and allowing her to have her own life.

She rejected all of these options.

When I was explaining option 3 to her I felt like it sounded like I was begging and pleading with her again, but I wasn't, I didn't mean it to come across like that I just wanted to be clear that I wouldn't pester her like I think she imagines.

Also, I don't want them to end up in a bad area, but she is living with her parents at the moment & they have plenty of money so I don't think they would let that happen.

[Fight4MyWife]

If things hadn't already taken enough of a negative turn recently, I then had the perfect opportunity for a 180, but I failed massively.

I had over a month of being very disciplined and detached and the atmosphere between us was starting to feel better, then with all this talk of finances and the house over the past week there feels to be tension and a bad atmosphere again.

One of the complaints my wife would have about our marriage is that she feels that I am critical of her and always find fault in things she does.

I was going away for the weekend with my son, and as I was going to be out of the house I thought I would put some de-scaler in the toilet to soak for a couple of days.

I popped in the house on my way from work to feed the cats before I left and noticed somebody had been in the house.

When picking up my son I asked my wife if she had been in the house & she said she had got off the bus in the area and needed to use the toilet so popped in the house.

I said “Oh no you are joking, I just put some de-scaler in there to soak while I went away, I can't believe the only time I decided to do that was the day you popped in to use the toilet, what are the chances”

She just shrugged her shoulders.

Afterwards I realised this was the perfect opportunity to react differently and do a 180, but I missed it and did more of the same behaviour.

I wondered if I should acknowledge that I realised or just leave it, so I decided to send a text where I said “I really didn't mean to make you feel bad, sorry if I did, I just couldn't believe the chances. It's really not important though, sorry for even mentioning it.”

Just as things have already been difficult between us recently I then go and do this which is exactly the kind of thing she doesn't like about me, I can't believe what an idiot I am.

On top of all that, while she was in the house she probably would have seen my Divorce Busting & Divorce Remedy books lying around.

Arrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[SemperFi00]

Here's an abbreviated list of reminders I have kept in my wallet for a long time:

• Be an honorable man.
• Be respectful.
• Be true to yourself.
• Be bold.
• Be a leader.
• Patiently endurance.
• Quiet confidence. Strength.
• NEVER lose your cool.
• Actions >>>>>> words.
• It is never the wrong time to do the right thing.
• A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.
• "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - MLK Jr.

Endure well. Expect this to take a while and expect the coming emotional storms. The better prepared you are, the better chance you have at reacting in a manner that coalesces with your long term goals.

Endure well!

-PM

PM, love the cliff notes version! Thanks for sharing.

Stay strong Fight4! Some pain in the growth but in the end I am sure it will all be worth the effort.

[jp787]

Whenever I screw up and do something that I realize is the old me, I try to tell my W ASAP that I realized that I acted in a way that I didn't like and apologize.

These changes don't happen overnight. One important point to make is you can't just say opps and never have 180 actions. Meaning the correct behavior needs to increase and the old decrease.

Another note, don't use an apology as a way to contact her, make it as it happens or if it comes up again, remember it's not your words, it is your actions.

[Fight4MyWife]

Got a lot of mixed emotions & thoughts going on at the moment.

One of the things I find the hardest is the way my wife has completely shut her self off from me and does not want to talk to me or even be in the same room as me unless absolutely necessary. I don't know how she can be like that so easily after 14 years together.


When I read through these forums & posts, I see other people who are separated etc but they still go round and put the kids to bed and do things as a family. I feel so envious of this, I would love to do things as a family, even just for the sake of my son. On bonfire night I took my son to see the fireworks & my wife went to the same thing, but she would not go together. I had to meet her at the gates afterwards to hand my son over, it just seems so weird why we couldn't even stand together. I feel like saying something to her about how lots of other people seem to still do things together.

I recently received a report through the post of the assessment social services did on my son to ensure he was safe after our breakup, as I had been arrested for holding my wife's wrists and preventing her from leaving. The whole thing is blown out of proportion & exaggerated & makes me out to be somebody I most certainly am not. Lots of it is blatant lies. I'm not sure if my wife has purposely exaggerated and made things to be worse than they are to gain an advantage in some way or if through her depression & negative outlook she has actually become to believe this as reality, when it's not. I know I am supposed to be validating her feelings but I really feel like pointing out that these things are not true and defending myself. If we go to mediation or court I will have to defend myself.

On a more positive note, before our breakup my wife would often pop in to see me at work with our son, but she hasn't done since our separation. Last week she mentioned getting my sons haircut & I suggested casually that she should pop in to see me sometime & could take him to the hairdresser near by. Well today my wife & son came to see me at work and she took him to get his haircut. This is a good baby step right?

[LJC]

F4MW

One of the things I find the hardest is the way my wife has completely shut her self off from me and does not want to talk to me or even be in the same room as me unless absolutely necessary. I don't know how she can be like that so easily after 14 years together.

I'm by no means an expert, in fact I stay behind the scenes keeping up with other peoples Sitch's but the quote above I can relate to. It's like a switch has been flicked and all of a sudden your both strangers. Before you both S your W was done with your M the walls were well and truely up and she was just getting certain things in place and as soon as they were in place she could then BD.

You will only see improvement when you GAL, Detach and follow Sandi's rules. The M as you know it is dead, your on your own now and only by doing the above, by showing your W that you are moving forward with/without her will she start to soften and bring the walls down brick by brick.

This is my experience and I'm nearly 14 months since BD. My W has never mentioned D so at the moment I'm being the best Dad the kids could wish for because that's the only thing I can control.

One last thing, be friendly and upbeat towards your W but never bring up R or M talk. Let her do that.

Do what works!

LJC

[Fight4MyWife]

First of all, for the purposes of journalling, I just wanted to state how hopeless my situation has felt & still feels, mainly so that if/when my marriage works out further down the line, others may take hope for their own situation when they look back over this thread.

I have felt that my situation could be totally impossible. 3 months ago my wife would not even speak to me or let me see my son because she was so angry with me. She has stated that it is definitely over. She has shut herself off completely from me & she would completely ignore any texts or emails unless they related to our son. I have been threatened with court action for not leaving my family home. She would not be in the same room as me and we only had contact when dropping off/picking up our son.

Over this past week there have been a couple of very tiny baby steps that I am trying to be positive about.

My wife & my son came & visited me at work when she was in the area & we made small talk, things were pleasant.

The other day I sent her a text message about a film I saw that we watched together last year. A few weeks ago she would not have responded, but the other day she responded positively & we sent 2/3 texts back & forth.

Having said this today I am feeling very emotional & down. I know I should be positive about these baby steps, but for some reason I am feeling very low today.