The Dance

[JFun51]

Previous Threads:

My Wife is an alien

Rolling Up my Sleeves

The Red Pill

The Dance-Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

This song has always struck a chord with me. The joys and pains of our lives make us who we are. We are better, stronger people because of the obstacles placed before us.

[LoisB]

J,

I was just thinking about this yesterday.

I asked myself if I would do it again knowing all this pain was waiting for me? Then, I thought about those moments of true bliss. Those moment of joy where I knew how blessed we were and how God had brought us together. I think about our kids and the love.

Someone once told us, early in our marriage, how lucky we were because you could just feel the love. I think our house is still this way. YOu can feel the love when you walk in the door.

And, the answer I came up with is YES. A profound "Yes." I wouldn't trade the pain if it meant losing a chance for even brief moments of that kinda love and joy. It was worth it.

I'm sorry my H wasn't the man who could handle that kinda love, but, even if he never finds his way again...it was worth it.

Love to you,

Heather

[JFun51]

I guess I'm feeling all mushy this morning. A great night's sleep with a nice heavy blanket to keep me warm always helps. Job has really slowed down this week. Great to have that load lightened.

I really hope my W can find her way out of the fog. With Holiday season coming up, I wonder how these things are going to play out. I'm gonna enjoy time with family and friends in a way that I haven't in a long time. I just wonder what its effects are going to be on W.

[Pudmuddle]

Is that mushy? or squishy?

I do that same thing, sleep with a heavy blanket and feels like I sleep better. I love that feeling.

Prepare for her to do her own thing on holidays, I know I am, juuuuuuuust in case my squishy wants to do his own thing.

You're sounding good today.

[tadpole1025]

Agree with Pudmuddle....

don't be surprised....she will most likely do her own thing. There were things that I was SO SURE that would "change her mind" or make her "realize a few things".

Didn't happen....or....it did happen but she didn't let on.

Just be prepared.

Tad

[RosaLinda]

That IS a great song, J, and double appropriate due to this pursuer-distancer tango our spouses have perfected I am so glad to hear you say you plan to enjoy the holidays with your friends and family no matter what your W decides to do. She might decide to put on a good false face of togetherness as a front for your families. Or...not. No predicting!

[JFun51]

I fully expect her to put on a mask for the holidays. This is what she has been doing around all her friends and such. She will put on the mask and try to exclude me from conversations so that it looks like I'm being the unfriendly a$$hole. This has basically been her MO over the last few months. She has just been erasing me from the family whenever she can.

Example 1: We carved pumpkins together as a family for Halloween and she took lots of pictures as we were doing it. Happy times. She posted the pics on FB and she had been very careful to take the pics from an angle that you couldn't see me at all. It was like I wasn't even there. I was literally sitting on the ground right beside my boys, cutting, ripping pumpkin guts out, etc. She had to go out of her way to make sure I didn't show up in those pics. I only know this because one of our mutual friends commented to me about our jack o lanterns that she had seen on FB.

Example 2: A couple of months ago, before I really began to detach, I was trying to make Wednesday night date night for us while the boys went to church. I took her out to one of our faves, a little Italian restaurant in town. While we were eating, she posted on FB that she was treating herself to supper because she had a great day. Yuck, disrespectful.

Needless to say, I stopped looking at her FB quite a while ago.

On another note, I have noticed that she is really trying to spend a lot of time and energy on her mother right now. This is the mother that left her at age 12 and has come back to sanity and reality over the last 10 years. She hasn't talked to or seen her dad in weeks. This is really odd. MIL is really cold with me right now as well. i won't speculate as to why, but the last time I saw her, I sat beside her at a ball game and she would hardly acknowledge my presence. FIL was the one that openly stated that I had been a lot friendlier and happier lately. He's also the one that stood and raised her and her brother after MIL skipped out on the family for several other men.

Wonder if there is a correlation? Looking for common ground? Sympathy? (She says she has told her mom about us)

Rejecting FIL because he sees me for what I am? (We have always gotten along very well and he knows nothing of this mess)

Holidays could be an interesting time of triggers for her. I'm just anticipating putting on my seat belt and crash helmet for when we are away from the crowd. I'm gonna enjoy myself and my family and friends. Lots of turkey and football coming!

[uRworthy]

Hey J. It really is best for you to not mindread. speculate or anticipate, ya know?

Because the truth is, none of that matters. Your path is still the same. Work on you, look within, take care of yourself and your sons, GAL and detach.

And I think you are well on your way, sweetie.

You keep digging. Leave her to herself.

[JFun51]

I know UR. You know what they say about idle hands. I didn't have a very full day today, so my mind was wandering. Came home and no one was home, so I did a 3 mile run in under 30 minutes. Very rewarding. I'm running a 5k with my boys Saturday morning. I'm very excited. W even drove by me as they were coming home, rolled down the window, hollered and honked the horn at me.

After I came in, we sat for an hour while she ate supper and we shared news if the day. I did a lot of listening. I'm getting better at that. It was almost like normal. Oh well, gonna go to my basement gym and work out everything but my legs, cause they are fried.

[uRworthy]

Attaboy, grasshopper, you are learning.