Well the news is I have finally found out the W is in an affair with the other woman. How do I know? Well this morning I had this horrible gut feeling that I needed to check her facebook page. Yes I know, DB 101, don't do it. 2 x 4's come and get me. Well there was a personal message from the W to the best friend in another state. The W stated that she is going to tell the truth if asked, and her Mum asked her on the way home from the sons 21st if she was in a relationship with this woman. The W told the best friend that she then told her Mum yes.
So while nothing really changes for me, I have a sense of relief knowing that in the back of my mind everything pointed to an affair, and it has been true.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
You needed to know what you needed to know. I'm glad your gut feeling pulled through for you.
Take a couple of days to recover. I think it might do you some good.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Yes HWA take a few days to feel what you need to feel. Spoil yourself some and keep being your awesome self. I told you so's not needed. You are taking the high road.
Ok I have firstly booked a session with the coach, but it isn't until the 27th November. I am still fine with everything, no serious emotional rollercoaster ride.
Some of the things I need to put down, just to get them off my mind in a way: * While I am not angry, I do feel some form of anger thinking that the family still blames me for all of this. * I know (mindreading) that the family will tend to just continue on and be ok with the W finishing her marriage with an affair with another woman. * It does p**s me off that the MIL first comment after hearing the W say she was in a relationship was "when are you both going to move back here". After knowing the MIL for over 25 years that really hits deep. * Do I tell my boys about this? Or do I let them find out in there own way - which usually means the family (in laws) will tell them. * I do find it very funny (it a strange way) that the W is already having issues about wanting to come back home to the city at the end of the next year, but the other woman doesn't want to leave the country. * Am I very silly to stick to my values and vows, by keeping my ring on and not initiating any negative moves (asset splitting and divorce)? * Do I tell the W I know she is in a relationship? What do I say if I do tell her?
None of these issues are getting me down. None of these issues are so important they have to be done yesterday. I just wanted to put them on the forum. While it is such a relief to have this come out, it has also made me think I have spent 13 months not necessarily doing the wrong thing, but could have been doing something differently. So many things make so much sense now: * The changing the facebook info from separated to nothing. * The changing her title as a teacher from Mrs to Miss * The way she acted way back in the beginning when the whole family (14 of us) went on the cruise * The taking or throwing out of the wedding framed pictures. * The ring being taken off the first day of BD. * Being given BD after the W came back from a weekend away with the OW. * The time I saw her say goodbye to the OW, with a cuddle and then a kiss, look into each other's eyes, then repeat twice. * The letters or texts stating she knew I loved her but didn't show her enough. * The not wanting any belongings at all from the house. * The indecisions in doing anything: the solicitor will do the paperwork next week, and many months later I get it. * The buying the pup - I knew you don't do that unless you are in a good situation. * The constanct texts and phone calls when she was on holidays with the family * The fact that everyone seemed to see them together once and simply state they are together, it just was so obvious. * The simple fact of being so different to the norm when separated and supposdedly not in a relationship with someone else. It simply didn't add up, her behaviour if not in a relationship.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Hey HWA I don't know if you're just venting off, but I'll take this bit anyway and add my two cents worth
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Some of the things I need to put down, just to get them off my mind in a way: * While I am not angry, I do feel some form of anger thinking that the family still blames me for all of this.
They're being ridiculous! How can it be still your fault. Families can get over emotional about this, you know what trouble I've had with my mum. She hates my H at the mo and it's all his fault according to her.
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* Do I tell my boys about this? Or do I let them find out in there own way - which usually means the family (in laws) will tell them.
I think they shouldn't find out about this just yet and I don't think the in-laws will tell them about the sitch. Wait until you get up there and try and break it to them gently. Go with your gut about this
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* I do find it very funny (it a strange way) that the W is already having issues about wanting to come back home to the city at the end of the next year, but the other woman doesn't want to leave the country.
second thoughts maybe? Does she really know what she wants? NOW I'm the one who's mind reading, lol.
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* Am I very silly to stick to my values and vows, by keeping my ring on and not initiating any negative moves (asset splitting and divorce)?
No you are not and don't initiate anything. Let her do all the donkey work. The only thing that's changed is that you now know about her affair, nothing else should change.
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Do I tell the W I know she is in a relationship? What do I say if I do tell her?
Again, I wouldn't. She may still deny it to you even though it's pretty obvious! I've never mentioned anything to H about what I know about his "friend".
I hope I've helped a bit I know you're probably angry about this right now, but just carry on as if you've not found out about it
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Hi HWA, this is definitely a different situation. I don’t remember anything like this on this board. I just cannot grasp that after 25 years of M, she wanted to explore the R with another woman. I guess it happens. At least, you know that there is nothing here that is your fault. I don’t know if it makes it any easier on you. All these things she did just proved that she was really going to explore her completely new identity.
Her family is also in a strange position. It explains why they are distancing themselves from you. They just don’t want to face the fact that they didn’t know her that well after all, so putting all blame on you.
I agree with others about not telling your sons yet. Just wait for the right moment.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
TTD180; I am not venting, far from it. I just wanted to put the words done on the forum. More thoughts rather than venting. Seriously I am not angry at all.
BrightFuture: I know and accept there is nothing that is my fault since BD, but I still accept fault for what has led my W to BD. Both our faults. I do find the "batting for the other side very, very strange". Never has she shown any inkling of interest that way. If anything a few times the W seems to attract those types and she has always told the straight away, no way. I can only think, as I said before, that this person gave her the love she must have been craving, in her own way.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Maybe venting was the wrong word to use. I know that you were writing your thoughts down, but didn't know whether or not you wanted a response to it. Sometimes you ask these questions but only because you're thinking about them and you don't necessarily want a reply. Anyway you've got replies whether you want them or not
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Replies are fine with me TTD180. Just was thinking aloud rather than whinging or being angry.
While running tonight and thinking about things (running does that to you), I thought about how the W hated her dad for having an affair while still with the mum. The mum is now remarried for the last 30 years. And realised the W has done exactly what her dad did, had an affair while married. I was thinking back to before BD and started to realise also how many things may have been done to get rid of me asap. The wife got me on AD's a few months before BD, then she wanted me to transfer back home to the city so I could be better and not so stressed and/or depressed. Then the night she called the cops on me, when I left the house without telling her, maybe she was more worried I was going to do something through guilt rather than anything else. She had planned the pretending to move into the other teachers accommodation, and never did. It all starts falling into place, and while I know back then I wouldn't have realised it, it makes me feel stupid now. I also feel some form of anger, not too much, that she most likely was having the affair before BD. In a way I hate her for that. I also detest how the family has supported her throughout this separation time and more than likely will still support her now, knowing she was the one who had an affair and lied for over a year about it. I wonder if my sons would even tell me what their Mum did, or is doing (being in a relationship) once they know. Or will they keep it to themselves, without a worry. All these things are like going through the BD again. Except I have learnt a lot in the last year, so it isn't affecting me the same way as it could have.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I do feel some form of anger thinking that the family still blames me for all of this.
Well that does sound like mind-reading, but regardless, it doesn't matter. Live your life. Be the best "you" that you can be. If people don't respect, admire and accept you then that's there issue to deal with, not yours.
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* Do I tell my boys about this? Or do I let them find out in there own way - which usually means the family (in laws) will tell them.
They are adults, I think they would appreciate hearing it from you. Don't fill in any blanks for them, tell them exactly what you know (only the facts, no suppositions) and let them reach their own conclusions.
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* I do find it very funny (it a strange way) that the W is already having issues about wanting to come back home to the city at the end of the next year, but the other woman doesn't want to leave the country.
Personally I don't think it's really relevant that the OP is a woman, your W is still in the puppy love phase of the affair and once that wears off and reality sinks in the affair will not be the nirvana she thinks it is.
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* Do I tell the W I know she is in a relationship? What do I say if I do tell her?
No, keep contact to "bills and boys".
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While it is such a relief to have this come out, it has also made me think I have spent 13 months not necessarily doing the wrong thing, but could have been doing something differently.
100% of WAS's are involved in an affair, even if it's an imaginary one. Your sitch didn't change, just your perception of it.
