I have a little bit of a different situation from most I have seen so I would enjoy any input. Me and my wife met online when I first joined the Army and then about four months later I had to move all the way to California in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say we were hopelessly in love and in between field problems all I would do is see her, or fly her out to California to be with her. So we got married fairly quickly (7 months). We did this in secret in Vegas and then got married with all the family present later and she came out to live with me. We lived here for about two years. It is VERY isolated and she never made friends or got a job (we have a dog we both love though, no kids).
So about a year in trouble started, we started to drift apart, stopped saying I love you all the time, sex slowed down, and then two months ago she told me she didnt love me and stopped wearing her ring. she left to visit friends last month and when she came back she said that she didnt want to come back but did anyways. This last week I got fed up and told her to leave, and she did. I thought it would be a good break for us, but now she wants out for good and doesnt even want to entertain the notion of counseling.
I know I have been doing it all wrong. You can pretty much tick off the mistakes I have made: pleading, reasoning, telling her i love her, telling her its a phase, and on and on. So That was Monday night and now I'm going to try all the tips I have read here about going on with your life. Its hard because I know she is the one for me and knowing she doesnt feel the same hurts (obviously...)
My biggest concern is that most of the time this doesnt happen to people until years into the relationship and this happened 2-3 years in. Has anyone experienced this and bounced back, or is this so soon it just won't work out probably? Thanks for any input guys!
Hi Chris9, if you read people's stories there are many cases where a spouse left at one point for some period of time and then came back, so the fact that you've only been married 2-3 years isn't all that unusual. I do think, however, that "once the seal is broken" they are more likely to move out again later in response to problems because they already did it once and it didn't kill them. Same reason someone who has divorced once is more likely to divorce again because the fear is gone since they've seen that they will survive.
It's important at this point to understand what's going on with your emotions. I believe that even if your spouse treated you like crap, had pointy horns, and was just fundamentally evil, if they left unexpectedly you would want them back more than anything.
Why is that?
For one thing, their departure is a very dramatic shock. You had a belief system that you and your spouse were "together in this" and at some level they would have your back no matter what. Sure you might fight and/or disagree but at the end of the day, you are married and that means something. That feeling provides a lot of security, and is the reason people typically will accept monogamy rather than multiple sexual partners, the security and bonding is more highly valued.
When your belief system is upended, your security is removed, and you are no longer pair-bonded, that's a very dramatic change to happen "all of a sudden", so you will feel like you want your prior situation back at any cost, even if your prior situation was crappy and unsatisfying. The change is the painful thing here, and that's something to be aware of. The fact that you want your spouse back desperately is not because they were so great, it's because the change hurts so much.
Over time, "the change" will no longer be different, you will accept it, and it will no longer hurt, so no matter what happens with W, you will be okay, but you will need time to get there.
The second thing that happens emotionally is that when your spouse leaves you feel out of control. You are not able to will yourself to feel good. You are not able to ask your spouse to help you. You feel like you are falling with no safety net.
If you read about the phenomenon of "falling in love", one of the greatest drivers of that feeling is letting go and feeling out of control. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring with a new partner -- will they call you back? Will they reciprocate your romantic gesture? Will you scare them away? All that uncertainty is exciting in a dating scenario, and that excitement and out of control feeling releases brain chemicals that diminish your capacity for rational decision making.
When your spouse leaves you unexpectedly, those same "out of control" feelings are triggered, although rather than being exciting they are horrifying because you're coming from a different place. At the same time, it triggers the "in love" feelings all over again. You are the victim of brain chemicals there, your spouse is not the ultimate "soul mate"/perfect match that you are convincing yourself they were.
What does all this mean?
It's important to understand what you are going through, what you are feeling, and why you feel that way. Recognize it as temporary, and take it into account when deciding what to do.
Your very best bet here is to give her space, let her do whatever she will do, and appear to "want it less". Yes, that's right, if you want it less, you are more likely to reconcile.
So follow the DB basics, (1) 180 whatever it is that you don't like about how you act in relationships, (2) get a life, (3) act as if everything is fine.
You will get through this, you will be fine, regardless of what W chooses to do going forward.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Chris, I too felt like it seemed others on this forum had been married for much longer before this happened, but I soon noticed there are plenty of relative "newlyweds" here as well. You're not alone! Accuray's post contains some great advice.
M: 26 H: 30 no kids M: 4 T: 6
BD / I moved out of in-laws: 10/9/13 Changes mind from divorce to MC (never went): 10/15 Conflicted/ambivalent but more positive: 10/26 Doesn't know what he wants: 11/7
Thanks for the input guys. I have been trying really hard to stay detached and called her for the first time in a week today. Kept it short (10 minutes) didn't talk about the relationship and felt good about it. I complimented her hair and that was it. Now she is texting me some talking about the split details. She wants to keep the dog while I am deployed. I don't know if I should agree with her on this because I know she loves the dog more than me, and it would make her happy. Or if it would put me at even more of a disadvantage for giving in. Sanity check? Thanks guys.
