Where am I at pt 2

[Icecoldw]

Thanks sandi.

Great post sm34. Your right I don't want the w I have right now, I kind of want the one I had 6 months ago. We had problems but I was content, the way I feel right now, content would be welcomed. I'm still cycling through my emotions, not quite as bad. I'm out of the denial, I know the marriage I once had is over.

I'm just afraid the w doesn't come to an awakening or she will think too much damage has been done and moves on with out closure. Trying to think positive and hang on.

I know I still have deep feelings for my w right now, I'm just wondering how I will feel if this drags out another 3 months and I've learned to detach and let go, will I still have the same feelings or with what has happened will I just mark it up as a learning experience and move on. I know, don't think about tomorrow just get through today with no expectations.

[Icecoldw]

Feel like the wife is getting mad at me, I was out working in the yard last weekend and I guess she tried to call a couple of times and then texted a message that asked if I was going to answer, like I was suppose to be waiting by the phone. Her mom asked if she was going to go ahead with the d and she told her I will not talk to her about it. The only time I'm talking to her is about our son.

Reading the book surviving the affair, there's a lot of good info but I don't like how they put a lot of the blame on the lbs, it basically says the lbs should not ask questions or expect an apology, that they should acknowledge there were mistakes made and move on.

I'm starting to understanding the process of what is going on, I don't really like it but that's life. Even though the w is still denying the a should I still try to bring it to light and make it so it's not a secret or just let it be and die out and hope the w feels guilty and tells me?

[Icecoldw]

Let me see if I get this right. When people tell me to let go, it's really not about letting go of my w but rather the resentment and anger that I feel for her because of the a I think she is having.

That I really should not be looking for answers to my questions because I already know the answers. The a happened because I was not full feeling my w needs because I did not know what they were. I was full feeling the needs I thought she needed. Because of that she fell out of love with me and someone came along that met her needs.

That we were not truly honest with ourselves or each other. I know that I could only deal with the honesty when it felt right to me, all the other times I lashed out with anger which probably caused the w to shut down on me.

The reason to detach is so my love for her doesn't rapidly run out while I have to wait for the a to run its course. I don't have to agree with how she is handling the situation, I just have to let her make her own mistakes and then let her deal with the consequences. During this period i need to change the things about myself that I don't like and become the man I need to be to become happy in life, with or without my w.

If we r, I should really not expect an apology because she may think I'm the one that should apologize for causing her pain all these years.

[dingo]

I disagree with your last statement. Almost every situation on these forums has at its roots, poor communication. Someone somewhere posted a comment from a marriage seminar or counselor or something along those lines where the speaker said "there must be another group that has all of the bad spouses in it because everyone in my group claims they were the good spouse."

Most people are genuinely good folks, truly love their spouses and want them to have a good life and be happy. The problem is that people tend to do a poor job communicating their needs and receiving communication about their spouses needs. As further testament to this- the BD is called that because nobody ever expects it. Every single story on these forums starts with 'I never saw this coming.' If spouses could learn to communicate better, the dire state of their marriages would be understood and steps could be taken to prevent it from getting to the state that you find here.

With that said, communication is a 2 way street. You need to know how and when to talk and how and when to listen- really listen. When your w is truly ready to reconcile, she will understand that her inability to express herself and her needs in a way that your could understand is 50% of the cause. The other 50% is your inability to really listen to her.

[Icecoldw]

Just kind of frustrated, I talked with mil this this past week to see how w was doing. She said she is very quite and keeps to herself. Asked w if she was going to go ahead and file for d but w said she doesn't have the money. (Funny she had it one month ago.) w also said that I don't talk to her, so I decided to try and reach out a little bit and send a couple of text, nothing big. She still acts like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, she's not mean just no emotion.

[Icecoldw]

The roller coaster is cranked up. Today, now she wants to file as soon as possible, she found out I took out a loan and wants me to pay up front and she will pay me back with refund check. I am going to see a lawyer, I think it's time to see what I need to do to protect myself. It's almost like the alien is coming out, I thought I would never see this reaction. Is this all script? Can't tell if we are getting close to the end