this morning she got on me about paying a bill while I was folding clothes and I could feel the anger build
I find it hard to believe you were getting that angry over her asking about a bill. Are you sure the anger wasn't over her leaving and the bill was just a trigger for it? The point being, you have got to deal with your emotions without letting them blow up into angry confrontations with your W.
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I asked for here to unlock her phone so I can look she sails to snoop.
You don't do this with a WAS unless and until they express that they're ready to work on the M. Give her time and space. Remove all pressure from her. Deal with your emotions on your own, around her just project PMA and act "as if" everything is great.
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Told her once she leaves she's not coming back and then I called her a lier.
Stop the fighting and name-calling, it just reminds her why she left. Show her someone she wants to come back to instead.
Have a question. W wants to pick s up on Fridays after she gets off work at 2am, she wants to use her key and just walk in and get him.
Well that's up to you. My W still comes over and gets the kids ready on the weeks I have them, it allows me to go to work earlier. So it's a convenience to me, and as such I allow W to let herself into the house. If you decide you don't want W just walking in, you can set that as a boundary. But it may inconvenience you as you'll have to get up at 2am to let her in, unless you work something else out like having her pick him up in the morning.
I want to try to finish answering the questions you asked. They may not be in the order you said, but I want to try to stay on the topic without getting too far away.
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We have to let them do what ever they want to do while still m.
You have already read how we cannot control what the S does or doesn't do, right? However, what you decide you can live with....or can't live without, is entirely up to you. You have control over your life and you make decisions about the matters that affect you. If your S violates your relationship boundary, or goes outside your religious beliefs/bounds, breaks the wedding vows, does something that is having detrimental affects on your children/family, breaks the law (and there are probably some other areas I won't take time to mention, but you get the point)....then you should approach the S early on when it first begins. That is the time to have the calm talk to express to the S how those actions are affecting you/family/M/etc. If your S chooses to continue her actions instead of respecting your request & feelings, then you confront her with your boundary and tell her what you will do if she chooses to continue with her actions. No threats, no pointing fingers, condemnation, etc......you just tell her what "you" have to do if she continues. If she still doesn't end her actions, then you enforce your boundary by doing whatever you said you would.
You see, we can't throw this boundary stuff around just b/c we don't like some small behavior (but for the record, there are usually other ways to handle these behaviors or bad habits). I believe it should be something serious that has bad affects on you/family/marriage and all that is precious to you. If you start flashing your "boundary badge" at every little turn she makes, it will loose its position of value.
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We can't ask questions, where they've been,
It depends. If it is related to the issues you have with her actions and if you have approached her about the issues. It depends on your plan and how you've determined to proceed. Are you giving her space and time, or are you in the LRT, or are you asking her to give account......what is the reason behind the question?
If you are dealing with a WAS/MLC, they usually take this as the LBS is drilling them and they feel like a child having to answer to the parent. Therefore, more rebellion is likely to come as a result. Usually, they react b/c they feel guilt or pressure from the LBS. If the H is asking her whereabouts just to see what she says (b/c he is suspicious of her) or is trying to control her, then she usually senses it and will begin a fight. It's the incorrect persona/image for the LBS. Unless you are ready to enforce your boundary (if it has been previously discussed), this route of questioning the WAS/MLC doesn't lead to anything positive. They see it as a control method and will react negatively.
If the LBS is giving the time/space to the WAS/MLC, he is being confident, being cool, nonchalant, staying calm, showing a positive mental attitude (without acting goofy), getting a social life, etc., that isn't about her. None of those things are directed at her, but she sees you being all those great things. It's like you give her the time and space to see you being happy with or without her.....and living with or without her. She is free to be in a MR with this wonderful man that you are showing you can be, or she can choose to leave.
At the same time the LBS is giving the WAS the freedom, he puts that time to use wisely by really putting himself through a personal boot camp. Every area....every thing about him is improved, corrected, or polished. You use the time to get informed and go to work changing the inner struggles you have.
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can't defend ourselves when in an argument,
I'm not sure about the context in which you are referring, but why are you defending yourself? The point is that if she talks at all, you role is to listen. If she's mad and digging up your faults, throwing everything in your face....it's not the time to defend yourself. It is the time to set there....looking into her eyes while she's talking, and keep you mouth closed. Even if you can't agree with what she may accuse, you can nod your head (or not)to show her you hear her. Sometimes, a woman can feel validated just if her H really hears what she's saying. You don't need to say anything except you are listening.
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we have to try not to act like the a is affecting us.
Again, I'm not exactly sure how you mean this. IMO, once you have confronted her about it, what or how can you act that will change her mind and end the A? There have been so many men who have told us how they plead, cry, beg, agree to anything she wants them to do...if she will only end the A. Some men are outraged and try to police what their W does....trying to make her end the A. Guess what? Neither one works.
I believe it is not a good thing for the W to know that YOU know about her A....and you just live with it. It is one thing to back away and give her some time & space to get her act together, but it's quite another for her to flaunt the A and continue to live with you and the children in your home. It is about the most disrespectful thing a W can do. If she continues the A without any consequences to her MR, then she will detest her H and really wipe her feet on him.
There is a lot to be said on this topic, but I hope you get the point.
As for the part of going "dark", I do not advise this step for your plan. It is almost impossible (but not entirely) in a co-parenting situation. Going dark means exactly that....no contact ever.
I would advise you to get legal advice in order to protect yourself and your children. See where you stand in your state about your house and other property, finances, child custody/support, father's rights, etc. A lot of advice here on the board is handed down through the years. Some of it may apply or it may not. When it pertains to legal matters, don't just take our word...but check it out.
Set up a visitation schedule for when each parent has your son. Holidays are here upon us and emotions are fragile for your family. Try to be fair and agree on the times each of you will spend time with him.
Your greatest challenge will be to pull back. She will probably enjoy her new found freedom and play like she's a new single girl. The more distance you put, the better for you. As a warning....WAW's will cake eat if you serve it.
So, start with getting legal advice(have your questions ready). Put a visitation schedule in place. Enroll in your personal boot camp. Set small weekly (or daily) goals for you to accomplish. Write them out. You can use this board as a journal, if you want. But make these goals about "you" and the man you want to become. Accept the fact that she may come back home and she may not, but you are going to be fine either way. "Being fine" is up to you. You are responsible for your happiness, nobody else can do it.
What do you want your W to see when she comes to the house? Think about this for awhile.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, thanks for asking. I'm still recovering from all the 2+4's thrown at me but that's ok because it's really made me think.
I don't know what hurts more, the w telling me she doesn't love me any more or looking in the mirror at the person I've become. I thinks it the person I've become, never realized how much power I gave up and how much I've changed. The power was very gradually over the years and it was done because I was trying to win the w's approval and trying to make her happy, didn't realize I was rewarding bad behavior and causing resentment to build up inside of me. I gave up a lot to be the man I thought she wanted and now here I am broken. That's ok because I know what I need to fix. I quit feeling like the victim because I know I was the one that let it happen.
I realized the reason I got so jealous of the w in August wasn't because of the pic on her phone( that's what I think started this whole mess) that was the trigger, the reason I got so jealous was because she was becoming independent and wasn't there for me, I had made her my emotional center, and not knowing what my needs were or how to express them I felt lost and lonely. This put a lot of stress on her and I came across clingy.
With the w gone, I've been able to sleep better, not waking up at the time I think she should be home and then counting the min until she did. No more snooping, not wondering who she's texting on her phone. I try not to think about where she is or how she's doing, there are times when I do something that triggers a thought about her and I have to change my thoughts. Decided I'm going to paint some of the rooms in the house to change things up, I've gotten use to the pictures(memories) being taken down off of the walls, I just have to get new frames and find pictures that I have to replace the empty walls. I've also started going through my stuff that I've collected over the years and if I haven't used it or need it it's getting thrown out. Just trying to lighten the load.
Just bought a ticket to a concert in dec, one that I've wanted to see for a long time, w never wanted to go or we never had the money. At first I wasn't going to go because I would be going by myself, and I hate that, but I thought about it and decided that would be a
Each day that goes by I feel myself get a little stronger, not get as angry, build my self esteem a little more. I realized that my world is not going to collapse without my w and that I'm still standing. Starting to wonder if maybe my w wasn't the stronger one and realized how bad our m was and took the steps to set us both free so we could heal and maybe find the ones that will make us both happy.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
Good to hear from you. It is really great to hear you are putting your energy into productive use. While you began making some changes around the house, fix it to please "you".
Taking a hard look at who we've become is not a pleasant job. As you begin to figure out what changes you want to make in yourself, I hope you can learn to be a friend to yourself and gain self respect. This is another goal that isn't reached overnight.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just started reading the book self matters, trying to figure out how to gain my power back and live a happy and passionate life.
Today I have been in a different mood, been thinking about a life without the w, don't know if I want to deal with the a, whether it was an ea or pa, the bottom line is she lied and betrayed me and I deserve to be treated better. Don't want to live my life wondering if we r our m if we got in a fight, or she got bored would she go and have another a. Don't want to be looking over my shoulder wondering if the op would try to hook up at some later date.
I feel like she is eating cake, she's out living at her parents house, her parents are maybe there on the weekends maybe gone for several weeks, so she has a lot of free time to have op over with out anybody knowing. Mean time she will not file for d so I will be on the hook in case it doesn't work out with op. I think that May be why she moved out so soon was so she could be with op and not feel guilty because she was living with me. Idk
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
Well I believe that is a logical decision for you, and nobody else can make it for you. B/c of the deep emotions involved and the trust that has been broken, only you know if you would want to try it again. But for now, keep doing what you've done lately and I think you will find your way and know what to decide about your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'd like to point out something that has been pointed out to me and many others by the more experinced folks around here (such as Sandi, MrBond, Accuray and others)....
You do not want your wife back...not the person she is right now. Or even the person she was, because that person had an affair and betrayed you...
What the LBS should be open to is a marriage with a new and much improved WAS. A spouse who has looked inward and examined and rectified all the internal issues that lead to the poor decision making.
If you can hold on, then you should. But only to see if your wife is capable of such a profound change. In the meantime of course, you work on ironing out your own issues. You are not ready for a relationship with anyone right now, so what do you have to lose?
When you are ready to get back into a relationship, you can look at whether the wife qualifies for anther chance. And if not, then so be it. But be careful not to write it off so soon because we have seen examples of WAS changing dramatically on here...
Of course the decision is yours and yours only. No one will judge you for making your own decision and you would have ever right to throw in the towel whenever you feel it is the right time.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
