Where am I at pt 2

[Icecoldw]

Wow, she has been talkative. Almost like the stress of the past 3 months has been released. Is this the calm before the storm where she thinks she is getting rid of everything that is making her unhappy? I know I made mistakes and have unknowing hurt her but I know I wasn't that bad. I'm just trying to take it in stride and not say anything negitive

[PatientMan]

It's the roller coaster. Get off of it.

-PM

[melissag]

Wow, she has been talkative. Almost like the stress of the past 3 months has been released. Is this the calm before the storm where she thinks she is getting rid of everything that is making her unhappy?

Honestly, she probably is feeling relieved. And free. She was most likely feeling trapped, and this is her way out. For now, it seems like a relief.

Just keep DBing and let's hope that once she has some space to reflect, she realizes it's not that great after all.

[Icecoldw]

She's gone and I didn't handle it we'll. this morning she got on me about paying a bill while I was folding clothes and I could feel the anger build, asked what she was doing, she said finish moving out then I said I was leaving because there was things I wanted to say but shouldn't. She said what and I told her somethings. Asked if the op was worth it that I know something is going on just not what exactly. She denied everything, said I shouldn't believe them. I asked for here to unlock her phone so I can look she sails to snoop. She wouldn't do it so I said that confirms what I was thinking. Told her once she leaves she's not coming back and then I called her a lier.

So I guess that chapter is closed in my life. I feel so tired and drained.

[S4tk]

If this is the case, then ask yourself if you are at peace with that. Two months since bomb drop - are you at peace that you did everything you could or were willing to do in order to save the M?

If so, move on. If not, "move on" in a way that looks more like DBing.

[Icecoldw]

S4tk, please explain "in a way that looks more like Dbing"

Have a question. W wants to pick s up on Fridays after she gets off work at 2am, she wants to use her key and just walk in and get him. Since she moved out , I don't feel like she should be able to just come and go as she pleases. I thought about changing the looks but was advised against it for now, wait until after the d. I kind of want her to miss the house and security she had here, it may be wrong but that's how I feel.

[Icecoldw]

Just reflecting, I feel like an idiot about yesterday, keep asking myself why I cant detach and stay off of the rollercoaster. I feel like I blew it big time, I know I'm not done because I wouldn't feel this bad if I was.

[sandi2]

Sandi, you have said that the lbs should not be a doormat, how's that? We can't ask questions, where they've been, can't defend ourselves when in an argument, we have to try not to act like the a is affecting us. We have to let them do what ever they want to do while still m. I know we have to set boundaries but how can we do that when they leave and we go dark? I'm still learning a lot, have my good days and bad, mostly bad this week. Could you help me start a plan of action or is that something I have to come up with.

I would like to suggest your plan begins with taking what you've said in the above paragraph and say it with a different point of view. B/c when I read this, I thought it sounded so defeated and as if you had no choices. You do have choices and you are only a victim when you see yourself as a victim. You can decide right now if you want to be a survivor or victim. It will not be so much what your W decides---but more it will be your mental attitude that will determine how you proceed. I realize that is a very easy statement to make and can be quite a challenge to produce.

You can take charge of your life from this point on. But taking charge doesn't mean you can control everything that happens. There is really one area that we may have some control. You've probably already guessed it. We can't control what happens to us but we can try to control how we behave. And I will admit that is not always easy when you are experiencing difficult, painful, unwanted, and undeserved situations. But just like being hit with a disease, we must choose to make the most of our life in spite of the hand we've been dealt. That is the road you would want your son to take, right? It is also the road your son wants for you.

So, let me touch on the subject of not being a doormat. I can tell you that one of the worst things a LBS can do is to think they can do nothing but let the WAS disrespect them. This is especially true with a WAW and the LBH. A woman has to respect her H in order to feel those "in love" emotions. If the respect is lost, the sex will often begin to go by the wayside or she will begin to show it in how she speaks to/about him. She will say negative things about him to his children. She may make fun of him in front of others. Her entire attitude toward him can be determined by her respect (or lack of respect) for him. I could on about this, but you get the idea.

When a man allows his W to talk disrespectful to him (and especially in front of his children), he has just lain down and became a doormat. Then it will advance to other ways she will disrespect him. She will take him for granted in a hundred different ways. I believe the MR is based mostly on how a couple takes each other for granted or not. She just won't care as much, won't try as hard to please him, won't do as much for him, etc. She may start to take advantage of him (especially if he is of good nature). These are to name just a few ways.

You stop it by standing up for yourself. It won't work if anyone else tries to stand up "for" you. It's like dealing with a bully, in some ways, except it's a more complicated when you live with one. I may not know all the ways to give you, but I can tell you what works and what doesn't. Losing your temper DOESN'T WORK. It simply reinforces what she thinks about you and encourages further disrespect. Showing her you are a whipped pup doesn't work. Asking, whining, complaining about how she mistreats you won't work. Threats don't work. Physical aggression doesn’t work. Anything that suggests you are pathetic is terrible! Showing her a man who has anything less than pure male confidence will not work.

What usually does work is when a man begins to stop being passive and begins showing some b@lls. I am certainly not talking about anything violent here, but in how you show your dealings with everything in life. It may be your kids, friends, your creditor/debtors, your employer/employees, parents, .....etc. In other words, how you deal with other people/relationships and your integrity. Truthful, loyal (and other boy scout stuff) really is the starting place. Taking care of your family by giving emotional and physical security. Showing up for work every day. Walking the talk. Treating your W special (showing respect first hand) must be acquired before you could expect her to respect you.

But now she has left. Your opportunities are limited, but not impossible. It’s just so much easier to do when it’s early into the MR……or even when still abiding under the same roof. In the meantime, you do not have to remain the same area or continue to stay on line as insults you. You end it immediately by removing yourself or hanging up the phone. But you do it without returning insults to her. You do it before you react in anger. You do it before you throw out threats that you will later regret. Calmly say that you are ending this conversation, and don’t do it as a warning….just end it. Remember, you can’t expect her to treat you better than you treat her.

You will have opportunities to lay out boundaries. But first of all, you need to know what a boundary is and what it isn’t. I have been amazed what some LBH’s call a boundary…when they are really finding an excuse to control or punish. Let me share this statement I read about boundaries. “ A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what you will do in the face of the other's continued unkind or undesirable behavior.” It is about what you will do in the face of another person’s behavior. See the difference in how it is not about controlling them, but how it protects you, your family, home, or whatever. “If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then your tone of voice will be calm and matter-of-fact - just letting the other person know what you will be doing or are doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then your tone of voice will be angry, blaming, and accusing, and your energy will be hard and closed.” (It would have taken me pages to say the same…lol).
An example might be…. her wanting to just walk into the house at anytime of the night to leave with your son. That may not be acceptable to you. If she wants to do this without giving you notice that she’s coming into the house at 2:00 a.m., it could even be seen as dangerous. Is it a onetime thing? What if you had others staying in the house? Lots to consider here. However, you need to decide what the real issues are and be able to determine your actions if she does it. Be able to state it calmly without threatening. Do you really care, is there potential danger, is it the principle of things, are you wanting to hurt her, or is it controlling? Boundaries are designed to protect.

This is toooooo long! I will address the other things in your question later.

[S4tk]

Ice,

I think Sandi has some good points. Read her post a few times.

You asked what I meant by, "in a way that looks more like DBing." For example, if you need to go out for a breather so you don't lose your cool with her, then you don't need to tell her that's what you are doing. That seems manipulative and it is a way of initiating or forcing a conversation about the relationship. It also lets her know that you are unhappy and in the verge of losing it. It communicates a clinginess or codependence to her, which she doesn't want right now.

Does that make sense?

Also, with the 2am pickup, that seems weird. If you are referring to your S8, it doesn't seem healthy to make him wake up once a week in the middle of the night for handoffs. Maybe you need to gently lay your foot down on that one.

[Icecoldw]

S4tk, thanks for clearing that up for me

Sandi, very good points. Your explanation on boundaries was very good and I understand now. I was using boundaries before to control and didn't realize it.

I've got a lot to think about