So I learned from my H niece that H and OW are in ID - he is introducing her to his family. Trying to not to read into it and resist any urges to contact H. Niece said that she was worried that H didn't look good was very stressed and she was worried that he was becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs again. I told her to love him from a distance and that if he wanted help it would have to come from him.
Ok so I have decided to find silver linings in the bad here are just a few. 1. My time is my own, no more waiting and being disappointed wanting him to join our relationship. 2. I can listen to any music I want w/o H telling me how bad it is. 3. I haven't had fast food in weeks and have really enjoyed cooking in my new kitchen. 4. Joined several meet-up groups and they have been good for business and for my self esteem. 5. I can create the life I want w/o H constant criticism 6. No matter how much hate, blame and anger from H I am in charge of my emotions. 7. Realizing that life w/o H is possible and I can do it on my own.
Hi again Iva I've just come across your new thread by accident, but I've found it now There's some good positives in your list Here's another one - 8. I can do what I want, when I want - That just sums up nearly all your 7 points Have you read any more self help books? I think they are good for keeping your mind active and getting you through the tough times Well done on saying what you said to H's niece It's true what you say, he can only help himself. If it is true and he is addicted to drugs or alcohol again then I doubt that OW will stay around for much longer. The OW wants everything to be right in the new relationship and she'll soon realise that the grass is not greener than she first thought If your H was to come back tomorrow, would you have him back if you knew he was on the drugs or drink again? My H is in serious debt at the mo and he won't help himself. I don't want him back until he sorts out his debt problems again and gets a proper job.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
The silver linings that you have discovered sound great. Keep up your Positive attitude, it will be worth it!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thank you! It was hard hearing he was showing her off to our friends and family.
I tried to make today about me. Went for a long walk/hike in my favorite park - the colors were beautiful! Made my favorite meal and called friends and family. Then later a new friend called and invited me to hang out with another group of friends, it was nice and exciting to be included again.
To answer your question: No I would not take him back while he is still amerced in his addictions or still involved with his playmates that continue to enable him. I see and hear that he is spiraling down which is sad and frightening but the fastest way for him to stand again is for him to find his bottom. I just hope he has one.
I like that expression finding his bottom, I've never heard that one before I agree I wouldn't take my H back as he is now either. You're doing great, keep up the good work on yourself
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thank you, it is a day by day process sometimes it is harder to resist the urge to reach out to him, but that hasn't worked well for me so I think I am just going to stay very quiet and dark.
I read on another thread to do what feels unnatural because what has felt natural to do hasn't worked. I am getting used to the uncertainty and uneasiness of being completely dark, besides it is what H asked for.
I have been living with the idea that we will never be together again and that he has moved on. While this isn't what I want it is an idea that I need to come to terms with because it is a very likely outcome. It seems easier building a life w/o H instead of making decisions influenced by the idea that "he may come home".
Right now in this moment I am doing just what I want to do, building the life I want, trying to decide who I want to be.
You're doing really well, far better than a lot of newcomers do Don't let his harsh words affect you at the moment, they are only words I agree about doing the complete opposite to what you have been doing, we've all done this in the past with great results Although I can't think of an example of when I've done it, but I'm sure I have
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
So far it has been a month since I went completely dark and he hasn't responded or reached out. I still think its the best thing to do for now. His anger and resentment towards me is overwhelming and abusive, so I believe staying as dark as possible for as long as possible is what I need to do for now. Until he is able to resolve, let go/forgive, or accept his role then there is not foundation or relationship that would be healthy for either of us.
I am hoping that his family will try to encourage him to seek help, but there are VERY dysfunctional (FIL is addicted to pills, BIL is addicted to sex, and MIL is probably the most severe co-dependent I have ever met) as well and I don't see them doing anything but enabling him further. A fried told me that there was a picture posted on FB of the OW and she looked like she was on drugs or under the influence, which is frightening but I can't go there emotionally.
One thing, if his anger is abusive, even if it is emotional abuse you can get help for it There's women support groups for that thing. I know you're not getting any abuse at the mo, but it might have affected you more than you think Over here they can offer counselling as well as practical and emotional advice Protect yourself Staying dark for you is the best way to go forward at the mo I hope you're keeping out of the way of his family right now. By the looks of things they'll probably do more harm than good. I know you probably are because you seem a very intelligent girl who knows what she's doing
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
TryingToDoA180, Thank you, I wasn't in the beginning I did everything wrong, pursued, begged you know all that stuff that pushes them away. Fortunately I have been surrounding myself with positive people and new friends as he has decided (and some old friends) that I am the evil doer. I watched my Mother live with a verbal abuser and I just refuse to live walking on egg shells. I cried and tried for years to improve things, but no matter what I did he did what he wanted to anyway and it only seemed to make things worse.
I don't know when I will not be affected by it as much but I am looking for ways to make that happen each day. There is silver lining in everything if I look and that attitude has really improved my attitude.
