Well, maybe TODAY might be the day. W said she called yesterday to establish NC, but OM got a work call, and apparently it was an emergency and he had to go onsite, but she told me a little bit ago she texted OM they had to finish their talk and it had to be tonight. She told me she wanted to make sure we got to go to our anniversary dinner, so she was gonna "take care of this sh!t tonight." She then was like "If I get this stupidity out of our lives, do you want to come over and watch the CMAs with me later????" Sheesh. (P.S. I think Saturday might be a better idea, give her a few days to deal with it)
She told me she had OM's sister over last night, and they had a good time, and W thought she would not speak to her anymore after NC. Maybe that has made her feel better that she can do NC and she's not losing everyone; I'm not sure, guess that's mind-reading. Is it weird that she is friends with OM's sister? Oddly enough, she almost seems anxious to get the NC over with - whereas before she was struggling with it.
Well, W made the call. Just for fun, I checked her cell records, and there was a call exactly when she said it was.
She called me after, and said, "I made the call. It's done, done, done. Now, come over and see me; you're allowed to be around me now!" That felt a little nonchalant to me, considering all that was said previously, but I'm working on being grateful for progress. I thanked her and asked her to be more specific about the call - she said she told OM she was very much in love with me, that she had hope in our marriage and wanted it restored, and that he was not to contact her in anyway. She told me if he texts her or calls her, she will not respond, and she will make sure I know it happened. I again thanked her. She said, "It is done. It is dead. I am so hopeful for us; although I know we have so much hard work to do." It was odd because she sounded so excited; I sort of expected her to be crying and woeful about it, and to tell me that she needed space and time to recover, etc. Maybe it will hit her later.
She told me about a dream she had: she was talking to some lady about feeling so torn between just being alone and being with me, but that she wanted so badly to be with me, and she wanted to be sure it was the right thing to do. The lady told her it was, but to take it slow, and that when we found out we were having a baby in June, it would all come together. I was cracking up - we're both "fixed", so if there's a baby coming along, it's the second immaculate conception.
I told her I have my kids tonight and work to do so I would come by for a minute on my way from the store. She answered the door and literally jumped on me hugging me; almost knocked me down. I'm trying to not be such an emotional swinger, but she was laughing and smiling, and making forts out of blankets with S5; I don't think I've seen her like that in probably since beginning of this year. I tucked the kids in, talked to her for a little bit, mostly about the new stuff at her work, and then I left.
As I walked out, she said, "Thank you for not giving up on me. I love you."
Sometimes, I wonder if my sitch makes ANY sense at all.
@Jersey - I went over for a few minutes, and left pretty quickly even though W wanted me to stay. I really only did it because I wanted to show her I really appreciated her meeting the boundary although it wasn't easy.
Also, yeah, she and the sister were friends before OM. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but I'm trying to deal with one situation at a time!
This will probably be worth a laugh, but I think I need to control the pace now...
I think easing the pace will be good.....as the saying goes "slow and steady wins the race".
Your last thread went so fast I didn't have time to catch up lol....do you have any plans or goals in place yet for how you two will go about this next stage?
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Jon, first congrats, I think many of us would love to have our spouse to a 180 like yours has! But I've got to say, the speed at which she did it really bugs me. I've read a lot of piecing threads and while the WAS does often do an overnight change-of-heart, the process of rebuilding trust and intimacy is typically a very long, slow one. Your W seems ready to just resume the M like nothing ever happened. It's bizarre and totally unlike any other sitch I've read here. Plus your timeline is so short, it's unusual for sitches to resolve so quickly. Just keep your guard up, I'm not sure the other shoe has dropped yet.
Thanks AS, those are my exact thoughts. Jon, I hope you really restrain yourself and slow things down and take a hard look on how y'all got to this point. If you treat this as a fight that got out of hand and rush back to the old normal, I guarantee you will be back in this sitch within a year or two.
You both seem emotional, quick acting, and both seem to be passive aggressive towards each other. You both are still quite young and have some growing up to do. I don't mean that as an insult but to try to provoke you to reflect and fix this the right way.
Also, don't be surprised if there's more mind changing over the next few weeks, based on my experiences and hanging out on here, these don't end on a dime, and when you are feeling good about the R, the back slides hurt even worse.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
First, congratulations on your progress! Your wife's declaration and demonstration of commitment is a great first step. Now you can begin the repair process.
I'm going to speculate, based on your posts, that the affair fell apart on its own. Most don't last more that a couple months to a couple of years, then the fantasy wears off and they see exactly who they're having an affair with. The OP probably became more trouble than he was worth, and boom! Over. Fortunately, you had done a great job in keeping yourself attractive to her, someone who could meet her needs and have a good marriage with her. So, when she popped out of the A she wanted you back!
She seems so "gung ho" that I would be careful in case she wants to come back as if nothing has happened. while I wouldn't dwell on the A at all, you should talk about what kind of marriage you want together, what your emotional needs are, and what precautions to put in place to prevent a future repeat of what you went through. IMO, one of the precautions would be NC with OWs sister, but you'll have to decide that together.
Realize also that as time moves forward, you may adopt more of a WAS position yourself as things start to hit you. It's hard to move close to someone and feel deep love with your guard up. You'll have to gain trust as she demonstrates resolve in protecting your marriage and feelings. Time will heal you if you are committed!
If I look back at how my M was before BD and how it is now after we reconciled, it's both the same and very different. We are no longer a child-centric couple, even though we have four. We take time for each other every day. She now greets me first when she comes home, and I her. We cuddle on the couch each night, and spoon in bed every night now- before we never did (unless I was trying to get lucky). I write her love notes - not just a card on our anniversary or her birthday. I work hard to let her know daily in all sorts of little ways that I care for and admire her. What I'm getting at is that you cannot return to your old marriage- EVER. It won't work. Make it better than it was. Appreciate what you have, because you almost lost it once before.....
I appreciate the congrats! Believe it or not, I'm completely in sync with you guys. I even specifically asked W a couple of questions. I told her I wanted to make sure we had the best chance possible of R, so I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.
1. What has happened that has caused such a sudden and dramatic shift in your thinking? (I kind of made this into a joke about her chasing me for my hot bod)
W: "Praying a lot. I had put myself in a bad situation, and I knew I needed to fix it weeks ago. I love you. I never stopped. I'm just tired of fighting the fact that I love you. You were frustrated one time and told me that I push away anything good that happens to me, and you were right. Every time I would start feeling anything good, I would push it away. Because I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I still don't want to be hurt, but I know I wasn't handling how I dealt with the hurt in the right way. Basically, I decided I'd rather risk being hurt than be alone and miserable and walk away from a chance at a great marriage. And yes, I have been very much after you, but I knew if we were going to have a chance I had to go in 100%. So I'm not going to hold back how I feel anymore."
2. It seemed like you were really struggling with the NC with OM a few days ago. Why was it so easy to do yesterday?
W: "I wasn't struggling with having NC with OM, I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. That's it. But I finally realized I knew what I had to do, so we will never speak again. And YOU are the only person I have any romantic connection to. Period. I have been thinking about you all day at work."
Something else that is sort of odd. With the BD, she deleted my entire extended family off Facebook and blocked them except for one cousin. I'm supposed to go on a cruise next fall with that extended family, and W said, "You better get me on there with you. You can't go without your wife." I told her my extended family was going, and she said, "So?" I wanted to respond, "You totally cut them off!", but I just dropped it.
Still digesting a little - it's weird to put SO much energy and passion into something, have so much emotional turmoil, then have it all just suddenly gone. The energy, passion, and emotion show how much I needed to detach, that's for sure!
It's on my list to read your situation, but I haven't let. When the bomb dropped, or at any time in between then and now, was she really just mean and nasty? I'm just wondering if you can rule out some kind of bipolar or psychological stuff?
I'm very happy for you regardless! Sounds like you are handling it properly.
s4tk
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
Jon, I am going to add in my congratulations as well. It is good to hear your head is very switched on and you are taking things slowly and importantly very aware of what may be right or wrong in how quickly this has happened. While it isn't standard WAS time frame or normal thing for them to do so quickly, we also have to recognise everyone is different. What I do like you W is doing, is saying a lot of good, honest and at times humbling words. To me that sounds very sincere. All the best, I am sure most of us are very truthful in wishing we were in the same boat. I know I am.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I don't mean that as an insult but to try to provoke you to reflect and fix this the right way.