I haven't been around for awhile. After my Mom's death I needed time, and still do, to be alone, process and grieve. I've also spent a lot of time with my kids, Dad and siblings and have healed a great deal in a short time.
I've come back to stress the importance of knowing your rights and doing your own research even if you believe you have a good attorney. I have learned more after several hours in the law library on my own than I was ever told while I was racking up over $10k in legal fees. I am shocked by how easy it was to find key information, none of which was ever explained to me. I wish I hadn't been so overwhelmed and focused on my ex's MLC. I've worked in the legal field for many years, doing research of all things, but didn't have a clue about this area of law. I foolishly let others tell me what they thought I should know. Because of this I felt incredibly helpless (isn't that ironic) and believed my ex had more rights than me and my kids. I was so wrong. It didn't help that I needed to change attorneys midstream.
I've read so many posts here that are full of desperation regarding legal matters, particularly from women who rely on the WAS for most or all of their income. It's scary. I know. Everyone here needs to be familiar with family law in your state. Pinpoint codes regarding fiduciary responsibility between husband and wife, disclosures, support, etc. If you've never done legal research, don't worry. Find a law library and ask for help. Once you have a basic understanding and a list of questions you'll be in a much better position to have a productive meeting with your attorney. I used to think I lived in the worst state ever for divorce, but only because I had not been fully informed.
I just want to reiterate what the vets wrote to me early on, put your business hat on and protect your assets. I wish I had listened. I have a huge legal mess to untangle now thanks to my MLC ex who attempted fraud among other things.
golf mom, I'm very glad you returned to let us know you are okay. Take all of the time you need to process and grieve. We are and will continue to be here for you.
You are correct when you say that we need to protect our assets. Your suggestions on legal matters is excellent and it's very easy to do research on line if they do not wish to go to a library or law library to do the research. You can't rely on your Mlcers or WAS to do the right thing because their journey is all about themselves.
I hope that you and your family are doing okay. I know that the holidays will be difficult w/your mother passing...but always remember....she is w/you each and every day. You carry her in your heart and soul.
Please take care of yourself and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree! I was afraid of the legal system and paid a price because I avoided knowing my rights even though vets on here pushed me.
There are sites online where you can post questions you have anonymously and get answers from different attorneys in your state.
With so many attorneys vying for business, it makes it easy to ask questions and get answers for free. Of course, the attorneys are hoping it will lead to business for them--but, it doesn't have to.
My advice is to ask the questions, no matter how silly they may seem.
My H spent a chunk of our retirement because of my procrastination. That's money I could have used.
Now, I have to backtrack and try to get it from him in support. Much more difficult than had I known ahead of time to freeze those accounts until things were determined.
Great Thread idea!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Can't say as I'm surprised by the fraud either. And I totally agree - know your business and take care of your business. Advice is helpful, but knowing is golden.
Watch out GM. My neighbor across the street did similar to your ex. It wasn't long before he was knocking on his ex's door (a couple of years; but not long.)
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Good for you for taking care of yourself and your kids. Don't fault yourself for not doing it earlier you did the best you could through difficult times
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
It's so good to hear from all of you! Thank you so much for your replies.
It's amazing what people on the outside can see. While I still had on the rose colored glasses and was convinced that ex was worth standing for he was fast at work hiding assets, blowing community funds on creating/enjoying his new life with OW, etc. During that time I bought into all the lies he told me regarding why he "had to leave" and, for a time, believed that it was all my fault. The truth is my ex was so buried in lies and I was starting to ask a lot of questions.
To anyone who just had a recent bomb drop or is in the middle of their spouses crisis, keep all written communication exchanged between you and make dated notes regarding other contact. It may seem insignificant at the time, but the pieces will start to fit together. I believe it was Job who wrote that MLCers tell on themselves. How true! My ex has made my entire case for fraud, breach of responsibility, etc. just by spewing at me. He also doesn't cover his tracks when he tries to conceal things. An example, I received an email from a store confirming a large purchase and delivery to a new address. I went right down to the county recorder's office and found out that he had bought a house, maybe with community funds. The way title is held is sketchy. Under the law he had to disclose that purchase immediately and has to make all of the papers regarding it available for my review.
The above is just one example of what I've pieced together, on my own, which is why I want to stress the importance of being well versed in your local family law codes. Neither of my attorneys has explained any of my rights or on-going responsibilities.
I've opened a can of worms and I am headed down a very challenging path, but I need to see this through for myself and my boys.
golf mom, You are doing great. It's simply amazing what you can discover all on your own. It appears that while you've been sitting quietly, many things have dropped into your lap. Their "secrets" only last a short time and then they tell on themselves in many ways.
I hope you can get your financials, etc., resolved and very soon. Buying a house? Now, that's a can of worms when he's not been very forthcoming w/you. Can't wait to hear how he explains this one away.
Stay strong and positive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
