Hi all, new here. Just found this site over the weekend andI've read a lot of useful information. The w dropped the bond Labor Day weekend, our wedding anniversary was sept 6, 8 yrs. since then I probably have done every thing your not suppose to do.
Brief replay, back in June w gets new job, she's been a stay at home mom. Her son joined the marines and will go in after his senior year. Her xh is getting remarried to a doc. W doesn't think he deserves her.
She works with a lot of guys, shuttles trailers around. Aug she went on second shift, that's when I noticed the changes. Going to the gym, lost weight,talking about her new friends, and doesn't want to talk to me. She acts like she's a teenager, shes 180 of what she use to be. I get jealous and accuse her of an affair. I get insecure, needy and clingy. That's when I start to snoop, nothing really shows up other the an adult dating sight, for hook ups. I confront her and she said its because she tried to down load ring tones on her new phone. Her phone is android and I was looking at her iPad. I also you that in order to get the spam she was getting you have to try and sign up, I know because I tried and got the same spam emails. Her phone and iPad are now password protected.
Sept she drops the bomb. I'm devastated because this is my second marriage and it is ending exactly like my first. I start to read about mlc and it fits. I started going to the gym, stopped drinking and dipping. Our relationship goes down hill rapidly, probably because I was pushing, wanting to work on relationship all that good stuff.
Beginning in October, i logged on to her FBI and intercepted a message with a past old flame, he was trying to set up a booty call with her, she said she couldn't do two guys at the same time, meaning her boy friend and him. She said when her boyfriend was done with her she would let him know. That's when I blew up and started texting, told her she can move in with bf so he could support her. She denied every thing and changed her fb loggin while we were texting. I was packing her clothes in suitcases while texting, if it weren't for our 8 yr old son the suitcases would of been on the front lawn. I then settled down and after a week, unpacked her bags. Same time I got a self help book and my eyes were opened up to who I am and why I act like I do, I know what I need to work on. Oct 5, last heart to heart talk with her, of course it was one sided, mine. Since then, I went dark, I work first she works second m-f. I don't call or text, the weekend we hardly talk. Since then, she has been acting some what like her old self, actually cooking dinner for us on some nights. She quit being a wife in August, has not cooked, cleaned the house, laundry or dishes.
My question is, is she going to her next phase or is she still in replay. Sometimes I think she has om or same one from August, or is she trying to make me feel like that so I will respond like I did in August so she can justify her leaving.
Thanks and sorry if my post is had to read, that's how my brain has been working
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
She quit being a wife in August, has not cooked, cleaned the house, laundry or dishes.
This part concerns me. You said you both work, different schedules. Why is cooking, cleaning, laundry, and dishes "being a wife"? Perhaps these expectations are part of what has contributed to where you are now. Have you expected her to do these things because she is the wife? Household chores should be the responsibility of the household. You doing dishes shouldn't be helping out, or picking up the slack, but rather part of the duties of living in a home with other people.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Noticed last week she started to move stuff out of the basement. Asked if she was planning to move out, and she said 2-3 weeks and will file for d soon. This was a surprise since she was going to stay until spring.
I have been trying to get a life, signed the son up for cub scouts, basketball, been going to church and the gym. Looking into karate lessons, something I've always wanted to do.
It's funny because since I've noticed her moving her stuff out I have been sleeping better. Seem to be more relaxed.
Last Thursday I had a bad day because I got caught up thinking she is having an a or several, talked with a friend and realized its because I want to place my anger on that instead of where it belongs, me. I'm anger at the way I acted during the marriage, how I neglected s.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
So sorry you are going through this. I have only been DBing for about a month, and it is HARD. It can make a big difference, though. Good for you for GAL. As for what your W is thinking - nobody here knows either. I keep reminding myself that I cannot control my H, nor can I read his mind. So there is no point in letting your imagination run wild. I know that is easier said than done, but you have to focus on YOU, and not her.
One other thing - you are not 100% to blame for this. It is good that you recognize and acknowledge your role in where your M is now, but do not beat yourself up about it. The past cannot be changed. Just focus on personal growth and the future, even if you can only look at one day at a time.
Good luck!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Oldest son from first marriage called Friday night, he's in the marines and stationed out in cali. I told him what was going on and he said if she was not going to be home for christmas that he would come home. He also told me that what ever I do, do the exact same thing to my youngest son as I did for him. I asked what that was and all he said was that what i did meant more to him than what I will ever know. Talk about wanting to make a grown man cry. I thought I totally screwed up with him.
This is my second marriage, and it pretty much mirrors my first. Both wives worked second shifts around mostly men. I tried to give them everything they wanted to make them happy. Both mlc. I realize that what I've been doing is the reason they fell out of love with me.
I feel that god is giving me a second chance because I didn't learn the lessons that I was suppose to from the first time.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
I'm so sorry you here Ice. It sounds like your wife has been having an affair. They tend to deny it even if you have all the proof in the world. The reason for that is they don't think they're having an affair, in their minds the marriage is OVER already and its no longer cheating if the marriage is kaput.
Theres not much you can do at this time if your wife is in that state of mind BUT take care of yourself and back off, wayyyyyy off. Make sure your eating, getting sleep and taking care of yourself and your kid(s).
Your marriage is over, that doesn't mean it cant be found again at some later date thou. Its gonna take a lot of work, its gonna take a lot of patience. And most importantly you need to let her go. It sounds so easy, of course you know its not. As long as theres OM in the picture, its best to go dim/dark. I know it feels counter intuitive, but its for you as much is it is for her.
Theres nothing you can do for the time being to fix your marriage im sorry to say, but you can do more damage. Maybe you can post in the signature line, your ages, time together, time married, any/all kids. KEEP POSTING here on this thread so ppl have all the information in one spot. Journal here when your having a bad day, need advice, or just cant figure out what the he!! your doing with yourself. Have you checked out getting into some counseling for yourself?? DONT ASK FOR MARRIAGE COUNCELING.
Read other peoples posts, feel free to throw out your 2 cents, as you will get a lot more ppl coming to your thread with support/advice. But also read some threads to see exactly how long this can last, reactions, and advice others have received. Read Sandi's post on 37 things to do, its at the top of the section and has some tools you will need for now.
Slow down, I know the world feels like its falling on your head, but we're all gonna help you get thru this. You can do it. For now, tell us a little bit more about why you think this is happening, especially in regards to what you think you might have done different if you could go back in time? Even with first wife, what changes do you need to make for yourself? Give an honest, open assessment. This can be brutal and tricky, but can give some of the vets more insight on advice.
Thanks fly on the wall, Yes I know my marriage is over has been since she dropped the bomb. Now I think I put the nails in the coffen. We were just talking about custody, I was trying to listen and not defend myself. That didn't last very long, I got angry and told her I don't care anymore that I'm not an option, either choose me or lose me. I'm just so mad that she is just throwing all this away and then talk about how she doesn't want this to affect our son. Hello, this is going to affect him no matter what.
I also told her I'm not stupid and I'm sure the reason she wants out so fast is so she can be with the other man. She informed me that she knows a lot of woman that have walked away and there hasn't been om.
The only thing I can do is let her go. That's what I did with my first wife, I didn't know about DB and did every thing wrong and she came back in 6 mths. If I would of been more mature and had the tools I have now, I'd probably be marraired to her and all this would be a mute point. I know that every sit is different. Can't help but hope that with time my current wife will realize what we have/had.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
Her son told her she was to old to be going around dating 20 yr olds. She told him thanks and he then asked why she wanted to go out and find some guy that's going to treat here like crap. She blew him off because he has no life experience.
She down stairs right now packing her stuff up and talking to her son. I almost want her to leave tomorrow so I can start picking up the pieces.
M 47 W 38 My S 21 Her S 17 Our S 8 M 8 DB 9/5/13
"You don't know how strong you are until strength Is all you have" Bob Marley
