I have to admit I spent many hours reading old threads before I got up the courage to post. It has basically been three weeks since my guy walked into the kitchen and told me he met someone else and he loves her and she is his one true chance at happiness. And you know, the whole spiel about how he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, and doesn't know if he ever did. We are not actually married, but have been together 16 years and have a 15 year old son. I considered us married, I figured one day when we stopped being stubborn we would actually tie the knot. I am on his health insurance and stuff like that.
In retrospect I guess there were signs I should have picked up on, but *I* was trusting and secure in our relationship. I didn't think I needed to be jealous when he said some girl punched him in the arm like elementary school flirting. Since he came home and told me about these interactions, I thought that meant we were on the same page. It was harmless and stupid.
So, I guess after a year and a half of this "woman" being obsessed with him from afar she finally started to make a move to get to know him and be his friend and invited him out to a group activity. I only found out about the admitted "obsession" days/weeks after he confessed he loved her and not me. He ended up staying out with "her and her friends" until like 2am and didn't even call me to let me know he was alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere, and then comes home and drops the bomb on me. ONE night out with this OW and he is magically in love. He says he hasn't been happy in a long time, he only stayed with me because of our kid, doesn't know if he ever really loved me, He didn't even realize until this moment that I loved him, etc.
Admittedly, we had kind of fallen into a place where we spend most of our time independently, but we still watched tv before bed, we were still having sex pretty frequently, he still spooned me to sleep at night. I didn't see anything glaringly obvious in the past few months that would have let me know he was about to go into crisis.
I think I initially made a mistake in hugging him and sobbing and then telling him all I ever wanted was for him to be happy because I DO love him. And I wrote letters to that effect and that I hoped he would reconsider and give us a chance to work things out with US. But he wasn't having it. This was his ONE TRUE CHANCE, OMG, he HAS to do it, now or never!! I think my initial sadness and shock were much greater than my anger. Maybe if I had broken some dishes, then he would have known I was not actually giving him permission to run off and indulge his infatuation. But I guess my empathetic "I want you to be happy" sounded like I was opening the door for him, not begging him to think for a minute and realize I was really his chance for happiness, but it would take work.
We had several days of a temporary honeymoon phase where I tried to show him how much I still cared. We had sex everyday, sometimes more than once a day, it was hot and intimate and intense. No chore sex here, we were totally into each other like early on in our relationship. I thought that was proof enough that our spark wasn't really gone. We cuddled closer than ever to watch tv, his legs and mine intertwined, his hand in mine. Over those days I thought in some ways I saw progress. We were talking more about HARD stuff, and feelings, and having some minor arguments but seeming to come to a place where we were both empathetic to the other's feelings. There was the passion in the bedroom... I thought I had a chance that he would change his mind and think better of choosing the OW.
But then after those first few days he announced he was going skating (where he met OW) and would be going out with her afterwards, and I shouldn't wait up. I wondered who in the hell this guy thought he was. Did he just use me the past few days knowing he was going to run off and do what he wanted the whole time?
He came home pretty late. I waited up. Again, no call to let me know when to expect him. He came home and gave me way more details than I probably should have had to know: -He felt an instant attraction to her when he first saw her but didn't act on it at all until she initiated contact. -They are both "passionate about skating". -They both are rebellious and carefree. -They both like loud music. -The OW has her own laundry list of psychological issues, she is a recently rehabbed alcoholic who claims she has been sober for 4 - 6 months, her father died within the past 2 years, her grandmother died just a few months ago and SHE found the body while moving back in with her, which was in the direct aftermath of breaking up with a physically and mentally abusive boyfriend. I mean, you could not even make up half the [censored] he told me, and I was flabbergasted that he did not see the obvious implications of HER problems alone on their "relationship." He said since she did acknowledge all these issues, and that he had confessed to her one day after their "wild night out" that he had a "girlfriend of over a decade and a kid who's 14." He said that since they were both in complicated situations that they planned to "take it slow" and not do anything hasty. Apparently OW had some "reservations" about breaking up a family, but not enough to execute adult behavior and reject doing so. :P
And "hubby" was likewise afflicted. I thought since they had pledged to "go slow" this would give me some more time to show how I was feeling (That I didn't want him to do this, that I loved him still so much, that I was willing to work to make things better). We KEPT having sex and going out to lunch and spooning to bed. I wrote him poems, I drew him a sexy portrait, I left him little notes on the mirror and in the car to let him know I was thinking about him.
Then like 10 days later he says they are "officially a thing" and he isn't going to have sex with me anymore and he needs some space. So much for all those good intentions to take it slow. Even still, within 2 or 3 days of them being official, he crept to my side of the bed and said he still found me irresistibly sexy and wanted to be with me again, even though it was "wrong." I wanted it too, so we did it. I told him from my perspective what we were doing was RIGHT, what he was doing away from home was wrong.
Of course the very next morning he had to flip the switch back to "not caring about me at all" and being rude and aloof and hurtful (it seemed intentional). I could tell he was SCARED to have feelings for me too, he had to reaffirm to himself that I was a terrible person who brought him nothing but misery and he had to escape me. From then on he has been pretty close to insufferable.
Important detail here. Until he started this Midlife crisis affair/mutual emotional addiction my husband did not DRIVE. We shared one care and I drove him everywhere. Now that he has a new exciting, independent woman in his life he felt the need to FINALLY practice driving so he can be free to run all over town to meet her. He was quick to explain to me that two other times in 16 years that he had practiced driving, I had overreacted and embarrassed and humiliated him, so that's why he NEVER tried again until NOW. I admit, I may have overreacted, but in both situations I felt like he was being extra reckless for someone who was just starting to practice driving again and I was not comfortable riding with him when he does that. Now that he is driving regularly, he is still a very aggressive driver and that has me pretty worried. He is overconfident in his ability and the driving conditions.
So anyways, here is it a whole THREE WEEKS since he came home and broke my heart, and now he is basically practically LIVING with the OW. He came and took some items from OUR home to make him comfortable there, like an extra computer monitor and his laptop and some computer speaks that my son and I were USING on our computer. He explained that he was only taking these things "temporarily". (Does OW know that?!) He also mentioned thinking about giving her our automatic cat litter box. I told him that was NOT going to happen. If she has stinky cat litter problems he doesn't want to live with, then he shouldn't be hanging out there. :P He took the monitor and crap there 3 days ago and has only been to the house once since then to shower and change clothes.
So basically I am stuck here at the house with no car 97% of the time. We had previously come to a money management strategy where we only have one debit card for each of our bank accounts and we would share it. He conveniently now has all the debit cards in his possession. I tried to raise this as an issue and he gave me $20 cash he had and to let him know when I needed more. I ran out of minutes on my prepaid phone Friday, I kept reminding him that I needed a refill. He finally told me last night via a computer message that "he will get to it Wednesday, or later this week, close to Friday." Well gee, that sure is convenient. A few days into the OW situation he went out and bought himself a new cellphone and a real unlimited monthly plan... this is a man who never wanted a cellphone before in his life, he considered them obnoxious. He also set up a Facebook page, again something he thought was superficial and a tedious waste of time until the OW needed to have ways to get in touch with him from her phone. He bought a bunch of new pants and shirts, he started growing his beard out and asking me if he had gray hairs in his beard and the back of his head (yes, he does). He bought whitening toothpaste for the first time ever.
He also disappeared for 48 hours straight and didn't check in because he was "at the hospital with her" for a medical condition she knows she has and keeps doing things she shouldn't really be doing and puts herself at risk of blood clots. So he abandoned his family and left us in the lurch to get a ride to one of my son's activities so he could sit in the hospital with an grown woman for days. It's completely insane. A few nights after that I needed the car for a commitment I had in the evening (I had informed him of this meeting several days in advance so we wouldn't have a scheduling conflict). He tells me as I am getting ready to go that HE plans to go out skating. I remind him I already had plans to use the car. He tells me "we can probably work something out, maybe I can drop you off and you can catch a ride home with someone or take a cab." I was livid. I began to explain to him that he was being remarkably selfish and stupid, but then I just stomped away to his den to get the car keys. It appeared he had hidden them somewhere and I couldn't figure out where, so I went into the garage and grabbed the spare set and left before he could screw me in this situation too. When I got home he admitted he probably would have left with the car if I didn't first, but he spent all night chatting with OW from home, so his night was fine after all and he wasn't angry. I sometimes wish I could video tape the things he says to me so at some future point when/if the fog clears he can see for himself what a deliberate [censored] he has been lately.
When he first dropped the bomb he made all these statements about what he intended to do. "I still care about your well being and will take care of you financially as much as I can. I will still be here for our son. I will cooperate with you so we can both still share the car and I will help out around the house more, etc." And in turn he was hoping I would keep helping him out by cooking for all of us when he is here and doing the laundry, etc. Pretty much none of those things he pledged are happening now on any consistent basis. I keep writing him notes to remind him that he said he intended to do all these things and now he is letting me and his son down and I am tired of the disappointment and stress it causes. These notes get no response.
Likewise if I ask something as innocuous as "Will you be here at dinner time tonight?" Or "Are you safe? I haven't heard from you in awhile."
Two nights ago he came home for a shower and change of clothes and then was digging in my purse for the SPARE set of car keys, because he *thought* he left the primary set of keys in HER car." I told him like you might tell a small child to "Stop digging in my purse. You should ask first." He seemed to have a momentary flicker or realization, but then persisted that I find the spare keys and hand them over. I did was I was asked without even mentioning that it seemed really irresponsible to leave the keys in HER car, this after just 10 days ago or so I had to TAKE A CAB and go rescue him because he locked the keys in the car by accident. He did call the OW to help him out, but she was already asleep at the time. :P
After browsing some of the threads here I see that I made a number of mistakes early on and I am afraid they may have driven him ALL the way to the precipice with OW in short order by being clear and obvious about how I feel (still love him, ultimately want reconciliation) I am really scared that I can't make up for the mistakes by doing "better" now that I know better.
I know this is probably the longest introduction post in the history of web forums, but I really have not poured the details out to anyone except my journal so far and I think if I am going to tell anyone it will be the people in the best position to try and help me through this. People who understand this situation in a profound way.
I also have a few specific questions. Firstly, hubby mentioned a few days ago that we should probably have to tell our son now. I agree, he has been asking me for 3 weeks "if anything is wrong and if I want to talk about it" (my kid has Asperger's Syndrome, so if he knows something is wrong it is pretty clear and evident already!). But I don't know if what we tell him should be limited to the "Dad is going through some issues and needs some time on his own" speech, or if we really do have to talk about the OW. *I* don't want to talk about her. I am already pretty well convinced she is just a temporary complication to a complex problem, and I don't want to put my son through the confusion and stress of being forced to try and like someone that he probably shouldn't like. Or to have to contemplate why Dad likes this other random person more than Mom, enough to leave our home and put us in a really bad position. I would like to request the OW not meet our son for the time being (it's only been 3 weeks for God's sake, she is NOT his goddamned soulmate) and that he make an actual promise/commitment never to bring her into our home while I am here or away. They have her place and every other place in the universe to occupy. I do not want this lunatic of a woman in our home violating my space. Is that reasonable? If I ask for that is he likely to comply or just violate the request to spite me?
I honestly can't believe some of you have had the diligence to keep up with this behavior over YEARS. This has been the longest three weeks of my entire life. I have lost 17 pounds. I can't sleep at night.
Someone tell me that at some point it gets easier. (And then go ahead and remind me that it probably gets harder too) And then remind me that for whatever reason I loved this person with all my heart before he went off his rocker... and that means something.
I wrote a sample script I can share if anyone is interested in reviewing and giving advice.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
So, since I was waiting for my post to get approved I have been working hard to be amiable and aloof and busy... 24 hours of giving him space, exchanging minimal conversation.
This morning when he came home to get showered and dressed for work I was still in bed. He said Hello and reminded me he wasn't going to be intimate with me, even though I am still a "sexy momma." I simply replied with my own hello and that "I know." He asked if I had plans for the day, I said I'd really like to get some laundry done (our dryer is broken so I have had to wait on access to the car to wash clothes and take them to dry). He said that should be fine, he would come home for lunch and work from home this afternoon and maybe he'd go with me. But he was leaving a bag of clothes in the hall if I had time to get to doing his too.
Well, that was something of a fib. He went and run a lot of "errands" that sounded like window shopping to me and went and ate out at a place we used to always go to together. Kind of a jerky move. And then of course by the time he got back I was put in a position to feel rushed to go to the laundry and grab groceries before he planned to leave to skate. (Apparently he has gone to skate like 4 of the last 5 days and he feels really good about it, I told him I was glad he was exercising more and it was making him feel good. -- Validation!!)
I took my sweet time doing the laundry anyways, since I did wash his stuff too, I thought that was nice enough of me (should I be doing his laundry? I don't know, someone tell me). So I folded all the laundry at the laundromat and took my time getting the groceries and got back about an hour after he had told me he wanted to leave. I just told him a couple things were rolled up and needed more drying time so I used that extra time to start folding stuff and then I just felt like finishing what I started. He seemed okay with that, and he wasn't actually ready to go anyways when I got home.
He is off skating again, looks like he packed a bag so I guess he is staying the OW. Bleh. I wish he was staying here, even if it was sleeping in a different room it would be easier to cope with.
Incidentally, he came home and announced to me after the first THREE times he had sex with her that he couldn't have an orgasm and she didn't either. I asked if he was being safe and using a condom (in a previous discussion I begged him to make her get an STD test before they got physical.. that didn't happen). He says they are. He asked if I had any opinions about why he couldn't have an "O" with OW. I shrugged and said, "maybe neither of you is ready for that level of intimacy, maybe it was too soon." He seemed to think he was just tired and "intimidated by her." Whatever pal. It's probably just because he hasn't had to have sex with a condom in a decade. But I am not telling him that. Anyways, back in the day he had no problems performing.
After that I didn't bother asking for updates on their sexual status. I don't want to know, but I honestly hope he can never have an orgasm with her. That would be delightfully karmic and sure to put a damper on things real quick. :P
One more question I have... his birthday is coming up THIS weekend, on Sunday. I had queued up and ordered prints of lots of OLD pictures of us and our son and eachother when we were young and obviously happy. I wanted to make a photo collage, but since he is barely staying here he has no where to hang it where he will see it much anyways. Think now of putting them in a mini-photo album. Is that too much? Is it too personal/emotional/potentially volatile? Will it probably make him freak out and run farther and faster? Would just a card be better? I really want him to have to see visual evidence of himself smiling on my account, but maybe it's not a good idea at this early stage?
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Hopefully one of the vets on the board will be along soon to post some resources and great advice to you. There are lots of good people here who have been through the wringer themselves and will be upfront and honest with you. So be prepared to answer the hard questions.
I would be insulted if my H left a bag of laundry for me to do, if I had time. If he needs his laundry washed let him do it!
And he is expecting you to cater to everything he is doing right now.
One thing you might do is to ask him to stop telling you about OW. That is not good for anyone's pysche.
You can be firm but polite with these requests.
I feel for you tiger, you have so much going on. Take care.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
This is ENTIRELY separate from the emotional relationship, ok? I am not saying anything about whether he will or won't return to you, or about how long it will take him to realize this needy OW is a bad choice.
But in the meantime, you need to TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. You are in an especially vulnerable position because you are not married. You need to see a lawyer ASAP and learn how to protect yourself financially. You need to file an order for temporary support and child support. You need to call the bank and tell them you lost your debit card and get a new one. You may need to take half of any mutual money and put it into a new account in your name only.
What is your financial position? Do you work outside the home? What debts do you have, and whose name are they in? Is your name on the house deed? On the mortgage? How much equity do you have? Whose name is on the car title?
so sorry you're here but we're a great bunch of people....you'll find comfort, and advice, here.
I agree with Pud....set boundaries. You're sanity will thank you later. NOT appropriate conversation re: OW. OMG nerve! Also, kml is right. As much as it [censored], and it REALLY DOES, you need to protect yourself ASAP. My H decided not to give me my child support until "I stop having so much fun and take him seriously" they tend to get a little crazy and then things start to go down from there. If it doesn't for you I would be thrilled for you but if it does you need to make sure you're ok.
Cadet will be here soon.....read it all.
I'll check back in. Take care:)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I have been a stay at home mom for a long time, did some side work for our small business, but it is part time and I never drew a salary for myself. We have some debt but that is all in his name. A friend told me that was the one good bit of news, that I am debt free on my own even though I don't have any assets either. House and car are in his name. Car is paid off. I am pretty sure our mortgage is underwater still anyways, so if he gets in a hurry to sell the house and split he will pay for it, not get a windfall.
That is a good plan on the debit card. You guys are so brilliant.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks Cadet for that amazing list of resources! I read the "newbies" note when I first joined so I have a good start on some of your recommended reading and I will be sure to follow through on the rest of it.
And yes, I want to get THE book when I have the finances to do it. Right now I am settling for a shipment of used books from a friend in a similar vein who went through her own husband's MLC successfully and with their marriage intact. But I am sure MWC's book will be my bible once I get it. I have printed off dozens of pages of info from the forum and put them into a notebook so I have easy access to read up and recondition myself even when I am away from the computer.
As for an update, WS spent almost the entire day here. I think he might have needed a break from the OW. Oh how funny would that be. He is an introvert trying to pretend he is Mr. Social Partytime... I think he is going to find it is more work than he thought it would be to keep up that facade.
I admit, I indulged a little cake eating today (I wanted cake too and it seems to be the one clear category where the WS admits I am far superior to OW). He asked for certain things and I resisted, what we did was on my terms (terms that are limited to the bedroom anyway).
That he didn't immediately have to flip the switch back to "Mr. Hyde" afterward and rush back out the door and stay away again for a prolonged period seems like a positive development. We even had a nap this afternoon together... completely separate in timing from the sexy cake-eating. He managed to stay here for a full 14 hours, which is considerably longer than he has wanted to be here for days.
I know, tomorrow things could go completely the other direction, but I am taking this thing one day at a time. Today felt good. I am going to let myself enjoy it. We accidentally fell into a little relationship talk via his initiation, I tried to dial that back down and change the subject. But he at least admitted that one of the things he said in the first week or so after the BD and that I had really questioned at the time as being stupid, was in fact stupid. I just about crapped my drawers from the shock of it. He might have said some things he didn't really mean, what a revelation!
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Yes Pudmuddle, You are right that coming home to talk to me about her like we are still besties is pretty ridiculous. I have made it clear that I am happy to talk to him about anything under the sun he wants to, except her.
Also, apparently she is "in charge of" his decision to grow his beard out so he will look older. Total Daddy issues and maybe even a subconscious plot to play on his MLC even harder when those gray beard hairs appear. He is already complaining about how itchy it is. I did remind him that he is an adult and owns a shaver, he has the power to go back to being clean shaven whenever he chooses to. *ignore my intense eye rolling here*. Must be nice to be the OW, you don't have to cook or clean or parent, you have time and energy for ridiculous past times like "controlling his personal hygiene decisions." Good grief.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I started a post last night and lost power and can't remember if I ever did manage to rewrite that post. So, just in case there isn't a post sitting in moderation. I want to thank you again Cadet for all the great resources. I have lots of reading to do.
Today seemed good. I have been trying to give WS a wide berth and space. Today he asked if I wanted to lay down and have a nap with him (neither of us is sleeping well). I laid down first and he made the move to come into bed to spoon me. While we were dozing off he had one of his seizures he sometimes has (it's like a brain reboot, not grand mal with tremors), but still he had something of a flinch coming out of it that woke us both up. He said he was sorry for waking me, that he had a seizure. I said it was fine, it's not like he can control having a seizure. Then he followed that up by kissing me on the back and saying, "I'm sorry for everything."
That really took me by surprise. Since I wasn't prepared for it I took the good advice of the boards and said nothing. I just put his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze. Then we had a nice long nap together.
Afternoon was good too. I was giving space again and had errands to run. He initiated contact again this afternoon after I got back from my jog. He is impressed that I am now running (well, mostly running, I power walk the hilly sections). Apparently OW was flaking out a little on meeting up with him for their plans tonight. He was lingering around the kitchen and told me, "She is totally being a dumbledore today." This is one of our family jokes and I just smiled and shook my head. I didn't want to weigh in with any judgment on the matter.
I see he is taking steps to be here more and I am trying to manage my expectations and keep playing it cool. There has been no follow up conversation about telling our son yet. I am hoping this is an indication WS is not so sure he wants that on his permanent record as a father. I'm hopeful at the moment, but still very mindful of sticking to the protocols. I want to keep this momentum going.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
