I am new to the forum and appreciate all the excellent advice I have been reading over the past few days.
I suspected H was texting OW about a month ago and confronted him. He admitted he was texting OW and that he has been unhappy for some time. I could tell he was VERY uncomfortable discussing this with me. I asked if he had slept with her. He said he had. I told him to get out (this is not his first A). He quietly packed and left. It has been almost 30 days and we are talking peacefully. We have both been to IC, but not MC just yet. I think he may need more IC before we attempt MC.
After the first few days of mourning, I started reading whatever I could get my hands on, including The Language of Letting Go by Beattie. I also started going to yoga three times a week and try to walk a mile every few days. This has helped tremendously (GAL!). I also try to spend time with my GFs at least once a week. I am working on several 180's. It is hard to stay committed to these sometimes.
I am in the house with the children and H has been staying with a friend. He mentioned over the weekend that he would like to move back home into the spare bedroom. I would love to have him back in the house but don't want to be overly anxious. I am afraid the 180s may actually be harder with him here, than having him completely out of the house.
I would appreciate any thoughts or advice. _________________________ Me 46; H 45 D16 S11 (autism) M22; T25 H 1st PA 8/2006; 2nd PA 9/2013 H left 9/29/2013 Currently living apart
Me 46; H 45 D16 S11 (autism) M22; T25 H 1st PA 8/2006; 2nd PA 9/2013 H left 9/29/2013 Currently living apart
I would agree with JonF and listen to some vets who have gone through a WAS having an affair. You would need to set some very high bars for your H, before he could come back. You need to get some trust back, and if that means checking the phone anytime you feel fit to, or having passwords to all the electronic stuff, then that is the requirement he must accept to come back to the house.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I can't help you with the OW part, but wanted to say that I am in the opposite position as you. H has noticed and said he appreciates my 180s (though he doesn't call them 180s of course LOL), but is still moving out within a week. I feel like it will be harder to do 180s without him around. It's probably more work with him in the house, but I feel that it also yields bigger returns because it's constant and consistent and noticeable.
Good luck!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
H has agreed to no contact with OW, not even going to the local high school football games where her son is on the team.
Luckily the spare bedroom is upstairs with the children's. The master bedroom and bath (mine) is downstairs. H could share the upstairs bath with the children. We would only share the kitchen and dining areas, etc.
I think some ground rules would be helpful so we can both have privacy and space, time to think and detach.
Me 46; H 45 D16 S11 (autism) M22; T25 H 1st PA 8/2006; 2nd PA 9/2013 H left 9/29/2013 Currently living apart
Why does he want to move back into the spare bedroom? Sounds to me like he doesn't want to work on the M, and if that's the case if it were me I absolutely would not let him move back in. I agree with Jon and HWA on boundaries. If my W ever broaches the subject of moving back in, the minimum I would expect from her is:
- Break it off with OM - Allow me access to phone and email accounts - Commit to working on the M - Set up MC - Attend Retrouvaille (again)
If he doesn't want to work on the M and he moves back in, it will likely make things harder on you. I've seen it happen and I've seen the LBS's turn into WAS's because of it.
I'll echo AS's question....why does he want to move back into the spare bedroom? Does he want to work on the M? Or is it just not as comfortable for him to be staying with a friend? Does he just miss the kids?
His intentions (and yours) are very important here. If he isn't committed to work on the M, then I think it is a waste of time to let him move back in. It's a step backwards for you.
I like AS's list on requirements, but Acc is right, you need to create your own. Transparency is an absolute must in my book...you have to reestablish trust.
Make sure that if he does want to reconcile, you both commit to figuring out what was missing in your M and work on that. This isn't just about forgiving him and him promising not to do it again. This is about figuring out why it happened and positioning yourselves as a couple in a way where your M is affair proof.
I have talked to him about moving back in. He said he has not had any contact with OW and has told his friends not to invite her over, etc. (where he is currently living).
I have advised him that I do not want him to move back into the spare bedroom until he is sure he wants to work on our marriage. He replied by saying he is going to stay put for a few more weeks and think about it. We are on a strict budget and really do not have extra money for him to be paying rent elsewhere.
So this is Limboland.
Me 46; H 45 D16 S11 (autism) M22; T25 H 1st PA 8/2006; 2nd PA 9/2013 H left 9/29/2013 Currently living apart
I feel like it will be harder to do 180s without him around. It's probably more work with him in the house, but I feel that it also yields bigger returns because it's constant and consistent and noticeable.