So, why did you do that? Why did you Google your W? Seriously, I would like to know.
Now that you have done that and discovered stuff you didn't really want or need to know, what are you going to do with that?
This is why snooping and sniffing around is so dangerous. You find out things that may or may not have any meaning. Your mind is going to be moving in circles and you will spin because of this. You have unnecessarily brought pain to yourself. It is those self-inflicted wounds that hurt the most.
I can not stress enough how reckless and self-destructive this behavior is.
Case in point... I have not been on my W's FB since June. Nothing there I want to see or need to see. I do not go to her BF's page for the same reasons. I just blocked some people off my news feed so that what they post will not show any longer. I don't go on my In-laws pages, either. I do not Google my W or her BF. Why? Because there is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by it.
Remember the adage "Ignorance is bliss"? It is true.
What we are all going through is tough enough without adding fuel to a fire. It is feeding the wrong fire, brother.
Now, let's go get an ice cream... I'm buying.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
It has been my experience from dealing with my wife, that they don't have a direction other than the one we give it based on our own fears. we can't see in to their mind, if we could we would go off our rocker as well with the torment that they are putting them selves through Point being work on you and your direction give her something to follow and when the time is right she will come to you mine is not ready to come home yet I can see that, but I am seeing baby steps, she is working her way back. look for the small stuff it will keep you from being discouraged and keep giving her lots of space, she will come to you when you have given to much. that has been my experience to date. it will be one year on the 19 of this month for me.
So, why did you do that? Why did you Google your W? Seriously, I would like to know.
I knew when I posted someone would smack me with a 2x4. I'd like to say I was back sliding, but in truth I just wanted to believe I was somehow still a part of her life.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
Now that you have done that and discovered stuff you didn't really want or need to know, what are you going to do with that?
Nothing. There is nothing I can do with that.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
This is why snooping and sniffing around is so dangerous. You find out things that may or may not have any meaning. Your mind is going to be moving in circles and you will spin because of this. You have unnecessarily brought pain to yourself. It is those self-inflicted wounds that hurt the most.
I try to "Act As If," especially around her. Some days, I even believe it. I try to detach. Just when I start to get my head on straight, she pulls me back in. I will act mysterious and not respond to emails right away. Then she responds that I am being manipulative or by not responding, that is some kind of response. So then I try to be the friendly neighbor, only to have her ignore me. I no longer know what is the right response. I don't mind telling you that some days I just wonder if I am going crazy.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
I can not stress enough how reckless and self-destructive this behavior is.
I know what you are saying is true. My feelings build like a pressure cooker and I know I cannot share them with her. I don't have outlets for my feelings. I reach out to family and friends, but I often cannot reach them when I really need them. I also worry about exhausting my friendships by leaning on them too often. I try to rotate my conversations among friends. Other times, I am just trapped with my despair. The last week has felt like a hand tightening around my heart. I leave work to distance myself, find something to distract myself, and importantly avoid her seeing my struggle. I try to exercise, but my mind races out of control. I try to read, but I stop noticing the words on the page. I try watching TV or movies, but there are just so many unexpected triggers.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
Case in point... I have not been on my W's FB since June. Nothing there I want to see or need to see. I do not go to her BF's page for the same reasons. I just blocked some people off my news feed so that what they post will not show any longer. I don't go on my In-laws pages, either. I do not Google my W or her BF. Why? Because there is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by it.
Remember the adage "Ignorance is bliss"? It is true.
Again, I know what you are saying. I wasn't expecting to find anything. It was more like reminiscing. I am taking two weeks to get out of town for some sand, surf, and relaxation. I plan to put my email on vacation and just try to turn everything off. I leave in a little more than a week. I have started busying myself with preparations.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
What we are all going through is tough enough without adding fuel to a fire. It is feeding the wrong fire, brother.
Now, let's go get an ice cream... I'm buying.
I wish I could get some crantucket, a cranberry flavored ice cream made locally on Nantucket.
It has been my experience from dealing with my wife, that they don't have a direction other than the one we give it based on our own fears. we can't see in to their mind, if we could we would go off our rocker as well with the torment that they are putting them selves through Point being work on you and your direction give her something to follow and when the time is right she will come to you mine is not ready to come home yet I can see that, but I am seeing baby steps, she is working her way back. look for the small stuff it will keep you from being discouraged and keep giving her lots of space, she will come to you when you have given to much. that has been my experience to date. it will be one year on the 19 of this month for me.
That makes a lot of sense. I will work on finding my direction. Thank you sedja.
Focusing on the small positives. I saw my W several times over the course of the day. Instead of avoiding eye contact, like she has in the past, she looked right at me. Sometimes while making one of her trademark expressions. At one point, she came looking for me. She wanted to sit down, one-on-one, to review and plan some work for the spring. I have to admit to being clumsy around her like an awkward teenager. She made a dry joke about it. She seemed comfortable talking to me and asking for my input. I have to admit my mind felt like clay. It was generally a simple, business like transaction. As my TC would point out, she was making an effort that she did not have to. Baby steps?
While it has no bearing on our interactions today, she was dressed casually, jeans and a plaid shirt over a tight t-shirt. I still find my W physically attractive after all these years. It is very difficult not to express my affection.
For the past week or more, my W has made far less contact and sparsely communicated.
Tuesday I chose to send her a picture of the cat sleeping. It seemed like a safe topic and she cares for the cat. She chatted about the cat for a short while.
Wednesday there was a holiday party at work. I prepared a gluten free mac and cheese. Cooking is a 180 for me and I was concerned there wouldn't be anything she could eat. I saw her take a helping, but she said nothing to me and did not interact with me during the party. After eating, I just went back to work. She apparently though I was upset and came to my office. She said we didn't usually interact at the holiday party and she tried some of the mac and cheese. I told her I wasn't upset and that I understood she wanted to spend time with some of her friends. We had some work related discussions and a few work related emails later that day.
Today, I did not engage her unless it was work related. She did stop by my office briefly to let me know she had bought a new flavored creamer. I guess that's something. I just feel like we were further than this a few short weeks ago. Has the fog returned? Has something changed and I am the last to know?
So my W called asking if she could stop by the house. She does not often call. Apparently she slept in, not getting up until after 11. She stopped by the supermarket on the way, picking up a holiday treat for me. She stayed for two hours, only talking about work. It was a pleasant, but empty visit. As recommended by my TC, I talked about looking forward to my trip of sand, sun, and surf. By contrast, she is going north to visit family where temperatures will be in the single digits. She is less than enthusiastic.
The more I read and observe my W, the more I believe she is in the throes of a MLC. She has made one or two passing comments about a traumatic childhood. (Her nose was broken when she was still an infant. She apparently has scar tissue from being beaten up. By whom, I don't know.) She is not close to her family. She does not get along with her mother and her brother does not talk to her. The only person she felt close to, her father, passed away years ago. She had several triggers in the last few years: inability to have children; diagnosed with gluten intolerance; stress and general unhappiness with work. She started IC to deal with the stress of work. At some point, I was made to blame for her unhappiness. BD was not long after. Since moving out, she has been angry, hysterical, sobbing, solemn, withdrawn, and generally depressed. She moved out expecting a lot of things. I think she thought some weight would be lifted and she would be happy again, but that hasn't happened. Every now and then she makes a comment which suggests she recognizes things were not all as she thought they were. She is clearly depressed and is avoiding everything and everyone. I believe she has an avoidant personality, which does not bode well for my chances at reconciliation.
So tomorrow is my last day at work before I leave for my trip. (Vacation carries too many connotations.) I have thought a lot about what I might say to my W before we head our separate ways for the holidays. I have decided to tell her that, for as long as we have been together, I have loved her and I still do. I have not used the L work in many months. I have no expectations and do not expect her to reciprocate. After events earlier this year, I believe you never know what might be the last thing you say to someone. So what would you want the last thing you say to be? For me, that I love my W. Maybe she will think about what I have said while visiting her family.
I hope you just go and enjoy your vacation and forget about W. I remember the first big get-together: I almost decided not to go because I was "sick", but I went, and actually enjoyed myself. Push yourself!
