Hi, glad to have found this place but sad that any of us have to be here. I believe H is in MLC and it is crazy in this house!
In April H admitted he was depressed and not enjoying anything in life. He said he even had to fake being happy when around our D who is 9. Having been depressed before I knew I couldn't help him and just tried to take any pressure off him at home and be pleasant. The summer went along and things seemed to be ok, we were doing things, ml, family time, etc.
In August my oldest brother died suddenly and it was a difficult time. BD was at the end of August, ILYBINILWY, never been happy, the usual script. He wants a D but agreed to stay in the house because D has severe anxiety.
I started DBing as soon as I found the book and we had a few pleasant weeks. I pulled away and he was flirty and talkative. The next week I get the D talk again. Is that common? It seemed like he suddenly realized what was going on and that he was chummy with the enemy and had to put me back in his place.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Well he still insists on d even though it will hurt D9. I'm thinking of just letting him go and db'ing when I see him to hand off D9. He's severely depressed and doesn't think he'll 'make it'staying here for her. His father committed suicide during his mlc so I guess it would be best to let him go and do what he needs to do alone.
I hate this.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
This whole situation is crazy. If I'm upset then he gets angry, if I'm angry he gets docile and starts cleaning the house. I did a 180 on resisting the divorce and started sending him links to apartments, picked up boxes for him to pack, and gave him a move out date. He seems shocked. I'll have to DB when I see him because I don't think he'll ever get out of the mic if he stays here and blames me for everything wrong in his life. I think he needs to go and see that he'll still be miserable no matter where he is.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Well after a solid week of good DBing I lost it on him tonight. D9 has been having problems at school and it hit me that he's leaving me here all alone to deal with it. Right now I don't feel like I can so I lit into him. Told him I hope what ever elusive happiness he is looking for is worth messing up his kids life. Yeah a low blow but it's what he's doing.
So I removed myself from his presence and holed up in the bedroom for a bit to calm down. A hot bath that I could cry in and not be heard and then some computer time. I refuse to speak to him again tonight.
Next Friday we see a lawyer about starting the D process. I hope I can hold it together. I don't know what to do.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Well this morning I sent h a text that he needed to call his mother and see if he could move into the camper in her yard. He said he would. He comes home and says he's looking at places Monday. This keeps going on and on and on.... I'm tired and need a break from the constant tension. I need him out of the house so I can focus on more than this situation. And he keeps finding excuses to prolong the agony.
The PMS isn't helping much either.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
So he's looking at places today. I told him by text Friday to move in with his mother until he found a place. Friday night he told me he couldn't ask her that because she was having such marriage problems herself and he didn't want to burden her with our situation and he hadn't told her yet. Then he told me last night that he told her last week and she was 'sorry to hear that but she understood'. So the lies continue. If he did tell her then I'm sure he painted me as the bad guy but I'm thinking he hasn't told her yet. I guess it doesn't matter either way.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Hi tbh42, welcome to the board. It seems that you are doing OK. I hope the vets will step in and help you with the advice. Generally, the opinion on this board is not to help your spouse to move out. Let them do it on their won. But, if you are so determined that you need him out of the house, you might be going in the right direction.
What do you want? Do you want to save your M?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Yes, I want my marriage. He's the one pushing to go to the divorce lawyer, I don't want any part of it. I guess I'm just stressed out with the whole situation and my hormones are raging right now. I didn't have time to grieve my brother's death before this all blew up, 1 1/2 weeks later. I guess I'm just a mess right now. I hold it together all day at work and then once D9 goes to bed I can't hold it in anymore. Thankfully most days he goes directly upstairs and I go to bed a few hours later.
I don't want him to move out but I think it's the only way he's going to see I'm not making him miserable. If I'm not there then I'm not the cause. He is supposed to come see D everyday so we'd still have a lot of contact.
Thanks Cadet for the links. I've been reading all the stickies and in the archives. When h does something I come here and read. Usually it's right there in the mlc resources.
Yesterday to GAL I took D9 to the movies and lunch. When I got home h was quiet and later said he wished he could have gone with us. I was trying to give him space and allow him to pack things without D asking a bunch of questions. Today he went to look at places to move and came back with a movie and wanted to go out to dinner. I don't know who's more confused, him or me!
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
