On the Edge - Not Sure Which Side I Will Land On

[lovenomatterwhat]

Here's the link to my old thread

Old Thread

Since my last post my wife has continued to be distanced. It's hard to believe that just a month and a half ago we were sleeping on the same bed and now we are back to the beginning thanks to the whole zoo incidence. I continue to sleep in another room and we really don’t talk unless absolutely necessary.

That said, the last two weeks have been really good for me. For the first time in a long time the relationship did not bother me. I was able to work, function and even experience some fun/happiness – all without my wife. I think I had reach a point where I just didn’t care about the relationship anymore. I had resolved in my mind that the relationship is over and was getting ready to file for divorce. Although this was not what I wanted, I had accepted it for what it was and was prepared to move on.

So yesterday my wife texts me and asks me when my next counseling session was. Ironically, it was that same day so I told her that my appointment was at noon and left it at that. She called me about 15 minutes before the appointment and told me she was going to go with me. WOW! Wasn’t expecting that. My counselor had previously asked me to invite my wife but I never pursued it due to all the DB advice I read about WAS.

So during the meeting my wife told the counselor how she felt about the relationship. She cried a lot and really made it known how much hurt, mistrust and pain I had caused her. I listened, validated and took responsibility for my actions doing the meeting. I told my wife that she was very brave for opening up and that I was ashamed of my actions. The counselor also did a great job in helping my wife see how her current behavior isn’t working either for her. At the end of the session, the counselor asked my wife if there was one thing she wanted me to do this week. She responded by telling me that she didn’t want me to use our daughter as a way to get closer to her. I am going to think about that some this week and see if there are things I need to do to work on that. I don’t think I really do use my daughter in that way but my wife thinks I so – so I will see how I can improve on that. The counselor asked me that same and almost broke down and cried. I told her that I had zero expectations and that at this point I didn’t want anything from my wife. That the only thing I wanted was for her to work on herself and do what she needs to do. I almost told her that I wanted a divorce but held back. I did say that the best thing is for my wife to take care of herself and to just screw the marriage and the myself at this point. I got very emotional and teary when I said that but quickly got myself together. The counselor ended by saying that she was impressed by how open, honest and transparent we were with our feelings.
I’m not sure what to think of all this .

That evening my wife continued to be distanced so I am not sure if anything really changed for her. My wife told the counselor while looking at me that I had robbed her of the best years of her life, that she has zero trust and that she is so angry at me. She also cried and said that she is so afraid and feels like a prisoner – that she doesn’t know if I am going to kill her like her dad did her mom. She told me that she had given me a second chance and that I blew it – so how can she know for sure that I am not going to do the same thing again. I told her that I understand how she can feel that way and that I don’t blame her for being cautious.

I left the session wanting to call my attorney to file the divorce. I didn’t but I felt like it and still feel like it. After hearing my wife say all those things, I don’t think there is any hope of her forgiving and trusting me again. The damage is so severe that I think she is better off starting a fresh relationship with someone new. At the same time, I had resolved and accepted that this marriage was over. It upsets me that she decided to go to counseling when I had been trying to make this work for the last six months. Now that my mind was made up to divorce, I feel like she is messing with my emotions. I know that my emotions are mine and mine alone – but I don’t want them to be messed with. I don’t want to risk getting my heart broke again. I don’t want to ride the roller coaster again. These last two weeks have been great and for the first time, I felt normal and okay. Now as I was getting ready to file for divorce, she comes along and decides to go to counseling.

I don’t know what her motives are. A part of me says she is doing it so she can mark it off her list – to say that she tried. I am done trying to make this work. I feel like if she wants to make our marriage work, then she needs to put in effort and not just an effort – a substantial effort. I don’t want to live in another cold war with her. I am ready to move on and get this over with.

Last night I left the house and drove around town for an hour and started to cry. I can’t endure false hope and I don’t want to risk my heart being broken again. I am scared and a big part of me feels that divorce is the best way to protect me. I also feel that my wife deserves better than this. I don’t want my past to always linger with my wife – even if we were to reconcile – that is no way to live. She is so damaged by me. The relationship that I crave and desire (and that she desires) requires such a big leap of faith that I don’t think she can do it nor do I think I want to risk it.

I don’t know if I should talk to my wife about my feelings or just wait for her to make a move (which I don’t know if she will or not). I am so ready for conclusion – for this mess to be over with that I would need to see some serious commitment on her end to really want me to not file for divorce. I’m not sure what I should do but I know that I don’t want to re-live the last 6 months again. I need to see progress or go into piecing.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Today I called my wife for no particular reason other than just to call. As usual, she was cold, distanced and made me feel like she really didn't want to talk to me with the way her tone was. That said, I makes me think that she is not really ready to commit and who can blame her. She has her own issues she is dealing with plus she has an OM to confide and comfort in.

That said, I am thinking about writing her a letter expressing how I feel. At this point, I feel like divorce really is the best option. While I am opened to reconciliation, I do not want to live like this anymore. It would be one thing if she would throw a bone and show some inclination towards progress, but it is more of the same with her. I have one more semester left in college and I want start fresh in 2014. This year has been the worse year of my life and I need to move on. I really do want to save this marriage, but I have to recognize what the reality is - she hates me, is ashame of me and will probably never trust me again. Why continue to fight a losing battle.

That said, I do feel like I owe it to her to tell her how I feel. I don't want to just send her divorce papers without giving her an opportunity to talk about it or know ahead of time.

[Mimi00]

Well, first take a deep breath and really think about what it is you want. A divorce or to hold on to hope for your marriage?
Writing her a letter, the negative thinking, and talk of filing divorce papers are obviously not DB techniques....so if you do these things they most likely will add to negatives and not positives.

Yes, your wife coming to the counseling session could be her "last resort" before leaving, but it may not be.

You can not expect change in her after one counseling session. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You've successfully DB'd before, I don't know what went wrong to cause things to fall back apart and for your wife to seek out OP; but if you did it before, you can do it again.....do you want to do it again is the question?

[planet]

lovenomatterwhat,
I know what you are going through. Many of us are in eerily similar situation.
Take a couple of days to really think things through. Ask your self after that if you are really done.
That being said, it's not wise to make any decision in your current emotional state.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks Mimi30,

I do want to save this marriage but I am tired and exhausted also. Today my car broke down (head gasket went bad, burnt the fire protection barrier and damaged my engine in the process). I called wife to pick me up and I could tell she was in a bad mood. Her tone, her demeanor and her words were all negative. I told her that I appreciated her picking me up. We had to wait another hour for the tow guy to pick up the car - so I told her that if she had other things to do that I'll figure something out. She responded that she was not cruel and mean like I am. I didn't respond but it is this type of coldness that I am really tired of and that is driving me to want to divorce.

These last few weeks I've given her space, been pleasant around her and have basically allowed her to walk all over me. Her birthday was this week and I got her some boots and took her out to eat. She was cold and distant the whole time. Whenever she does make conversation, she sounds agitated but as soon as someone calls her, she turns into a different person and is upper and pleasant.

I've really tired to make this work and I feel like I've given this the best I can. I've made my mistakes in this whole DB process - that's for sure but I've also been very nice around my wife for the most part. I get that she is hurting but after 6 months you would think she would at least been civil and pleasant. I feel like before the whole zoo incidence, things were getting better. I was sleeping on the same bed, we were talking more, watering the grass in the morning, etc. Now I can just see the hatred and anger in her eyes. I want her to be happy, to really experience joy and for her to have someone where she can feel safe, secure and love. I want to be that someone but nothing I am doing is making a difference at the moment. It feels like things got better but have suddenly taken a turn for the worse. Today she seemed like she was about to explode so I kept my silence the best I could. I've never seen my wife display so much contempt. And while most of it is her internal dealings with her issues - I am struggling with the question of if I want to endure this type of treatment anymore.

Taking three classes, work, lack of sleep, and the lack of progress in the relationship have really taken a toll on me. I feel like I am at a point where I can't take much more. The last two weeks when I had accepted that the marriage was over, I began to start to feel good about life and about the future again. I was able to function and my mood was very positive. The counseling session with my wife brought up so many emotions that I had buried and was trying to forget that I think I am trying so hard to avoid that emotional pain. While divorce is not really what I want, I don't want my heart to be shattered again while holding on to a hope that might not ever realized. I've started to move on with my life and I feel that going back to hope is only going to crush my emotions again - something that I don't ever want to go back to.

I've been really thinking hard about divorce the last three weeks and I have been becoming more comfortable with the idea prior to my wife going to counseling. If I thought for a moment that my wife wanted to make this work but was afraid - I would fight for this marriage. But I feel like she hates me so much that it is hard to see any hope. I am trying not to be negative but I also don't want to deny what reality is.

I am going to think about this and try to figure out what I need to do. In addition, my wife gave me such a hard time with picking me up, I now need to figure out transportation until I can get my car fix (which might be a nice penny to fix). Oh well, everything happens for a reason. This is my crucible - now I must decide whether to carry it or not. Lots of thinking to do - I am definitely not taking this lightly.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks Planet,

You are right. My emotional state right now is not good. The thing is, when I was thinking about divorce, my mind was clear and coherent. I was content and had gotten to a place of acceptance. The counseling session really throw a curve ball at me that I was not expecting. The last three weeks I had made it a point to really work and focus on myself. I was working out, getting involved at school, with my daughter's activities, etc. I lived as if my wife did not exist and I started to feel good. I continued to do things around the house and to help her out like I've been doing the last 6 months but I did those things because I wanted to not because I was trying to work on the relationship.

I think what is happening is that I had accepted divorce and now an event has happened to is challenging that decision. I will think more about this before acting.

[S4tk]

I'm a newbie here, but I've read your entire previous thread all in the last hour and I really have to say that except for the fact that you are here on the DB forum, I would have guessed you are the WAS in this M.

I think it would help you to either throw in the towel and file for D, or to finally own what you need to own. I mean to really own it, not just lip service. And I don't mean the "I am a failure" stuff. You sound like a decent dad, a pretty smart guy - in other words, not a big time loser.

DB the right way, do your 180s and forget about your wife's OM, her issues, etc. as one previous poster in one of your threads said, "Don't teach the W a lesson. Life will do that for them."

You cannot control her, as much as you would like. I can painfully relate to that. Here is the reality. She may leave you tomorrow for the OM. You can't control that.

But what it sounds like is that you have a W who has trusted you twice, and now potentially for a third time since she hasn't left yet. And yet, you are the one contemplating filing for D. Relinquish control over her, and focus on the 180s - for you.

If I'm off here, I apologize.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks S4tk.

In many ways I am the WAS. I was the one who put work and school above family. It wasn't until my wife had enough that I really began to want to make things right.

DB the right way, do your 180s and forget about your wife's OM, her issues, etc. as one previous poster in one of your threads said, "Don't teach the W a lesson. Life will do that for them."

Thanks for the reminder. I need a 4x4 every now and then.

This morning my daughter wanted to go to the bookstore - so we went as a family and later had breakfast at some restaurant. The conversation was light and not much talking really other than speaking with our daughter.

My daughter and wife are going to a football game today with a co-worker of hers (wish I was invited but oh well). So most of today I will be spending working on some school stuff and thinking about what I want to do next in this relationship. Regardless, I will definitely be going over my DB list, my 180s and overall thinking about who I want to be and how I want to behave. These changes are for me alone - so it is important that I get this piece right with or without a divorce.

[AnotherStander]

She called me about 15 minutes before the appointment and told me she was going to go with me.

Wow, that's a pretty big step! It's a good sign. Keep in mind that she's still cycling, so when you mentioned that she was cold and distant on the phone the next day that's not really surprising after she opened up that much. Remember that it's not a linear process.

I listened, validated and took responsibility for my actions doing the meeting. I told my wife that she was very brave for opening up and that I was ashamed of my actions.

She responded by telling me that she didn’t want me to use our daughter as a way to get closer to her. I am going to think about that some this week and see if there are things I need to do to work on that. I don’t think I really do use my daughter in that way but my wife thinks I so – so I will see how I can improve on that.

I told her that I had zero expectations and that at this point I didn’t want anything from my wife. That the only thing I wanted was for her to work on herself and do what she needs to do.

This ^^^ is all really great stuff! Fantastic DB'ing!!

I left the session wanting to call my attorney to file the divorce. I didn’t but I felt like it and still feel like it.

I think sometimes LBS's develop a "I just want this over with" attitude about things and decide to push for D themselves, but think about whether it will really change anything about your sitch. Most of the time it doesn't change a thing. All those feelings and fears and emotions will still be there.

I don’t want to risk getting my heart broke again. I don’t want to ride the roller coaster again.

That risk is there with your W or any other person you become involved with, is it not?