Time to start a new thread. I noticed today that I've have been here exactly one year. First, I'm thankful that I found this board and second that I haven't lost my mind after a year. Thanks to the support and wise people here I'm happy to say that I am doing pretty well considering the circumstances.
I didn't sleep very well last night but wasn't thinking about anything in particular. I had a lot of excess energy or maybe it was the handful of M and M's that I ate a few hours before going to bed. IDK, but it was at least 2am before I drifted off.
A few hours after I woke up, I had a feeling of panic. It's the kind of feeling that you get when you know something is going to happen. I tried to brush it off but I couldn't stop it. I got in the car, turned up the radio and started driving thinking that I could distract myself. It took a long time before I felt calm again.
As I was driving in to my driveway my phone beeped with a text. It was h telling me that he'd left a check in his truck for me. I responded with a simple, Thanks, I appreciate it. A few minutes later he called. He wanted to let me know that he noticed that I was getting a little low on funds and thought I might need it and wanted me to have it. I thanked him again and told him that I appreciated that he noticed. (His primary LL is WOA.) I'm sure it pumped up his ego and made his day! LOL
He goes on to tell he made the ow take public transportation to the airport this morning. As much as I wanted to ask if it was a one way trip and if she took the a kayak with her, I didn't. LOL He talked for about 10 minutes until I told him that I had an appt. to go to. He apologized for keeping me. I ran some errands later in the day and came home to a message on my home phone telling me that he wanted to stop in to get his mail. I was hoping to have a quiet evening and didn't want it ruined by listening to stories about the ow. He come to the door, laptop in hand, telling me that he took some pictures of the museum that he walks by on his way to work. It had some beautiful displays showing through the windows. He wanted me to have them because he knew that I'd appreciate them. I asked him if he wanted something to drink, poured a glass of wine for him and went about my business getting my dinner ready.
He had his wedding ring on his right hand, talked about the kids then brought up the ow and the reason for her trip home. Appears that she is selling some of her furniture because her h still doesn't have a job and refuses to move so that they can rent their house out blah, blah, blah. No mention of her filing for D or separation although that was my thought when he told me that she was going to be there for just a few days. Anyway he came back to our finances and talked about what to do with some short term investments. He decided to just let them roll over for another year and possibly two. He started some of his sentences with, "at my age" and "with what's going on" but didn't bring up his home improvement idea again.
As he sat in the house he noticed that I had moved a chair (I had only moved it about 6 inches), said how quiet it was here, fixed a toilet that didn't need fixing and asked me if I would come and sit down for a few minutes. I brought a salad to the table and sat down but he really didn't say much after I did! When he left he made sure to tell me that he was going home to an evening with not much to do except maybe watch TV. I told him to enjoy his evening whatever he decided to do.
He's up to something. His behavior is a little off even for an mlcer. He's still lost, still doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to deal with his issues. Time will tell.
Even though I've been here for just a year, my h has been in mlc for at least a year and a half probably more like 2 years. I'm here for the long haul and pray that he will find it within himself to work through his issues. My fear is that he'll take the easy way out and continue on his current path for a very long time. _________________________ Me:57H:62 M:33T:34 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hi I am replying on this thread - first off I have come to think that their being able to talk about OW to us, while weird and inappropriate in someone 'normal' might actually be a good thing in a MLCer.
As for my xh - I think he is bored with second OW. They have been together over two years now My future daughter in law said she is simply no comparison with me in any way that she can see - and it is clear that my xh now craves, rather than would like to have, contact with his kids. And wants to meet my future dil's family.
So yes, he wants things to be different, but doesn't know now, and after all this time I am not about to help him. He has to figure it out for himself.
I believe in the earlier stages of MLC we can help by listening, although the line between enabling and help is a fine one. I do not think you are an enabler, and I rather think I used to be one. But I am learning to be there when people need it, but not to do for them what they need to do do for themselves. Always a judgement call.
Early on, many of us posting have had the idea that we can fix them, or even have some responsibility for the way they are. We do not. As job says, the seeds were sown many years ago in childhood, and we are seeing the harvest.
Wow. Your H sounds confused and he sounds like he is missing "home". The Dark Curse over Fairytaleland still remains, huh? Maybe she won't come back.
The unfortunate part is that she will be part of your memories for a long time.
Don't really have any advice for you, I think you are doing beautifully. I stopped my xSO from talking about GF (when we were still talking). There are some things I did not want to hear and quite frankly, I was sure he was lying to me anyway as he'd been for the year before.
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He's still lost, still doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to deal with his issues. Time will tell.
It does make sense that for some of the "talkers" verbalizing with a safe listener is their way of moving through some of the early stages, regardless of the outcome. It's so hard to listen to spew without reacting in the beginning! There's something to be said for listening without giving advice or as you said helping them figure it out. Most of us make that mistake at first, even with dbing. We want to help them. That was the hardest concept for me to get through my head and it took me a long time to see why.
It's funny that the trashier ow1 lasted longer than the less trashy ow2. Then his need to reconnect with your boys and even wanting to get to know his future in laws sounds like a small step in the right direction for him. If ow2 is gone in 1/2 the time that ow1 was he may be slowly figuring it out all by his little self now!
Bea, neither of those women or any woman that could follow have anywhere near the class, intellect and patience that you have. Your xh was/is a fool and it might be that one day you'll hear those words from his mouth.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I've been here all alone in the wee hours! Happy to see that you're posting earlier now. I should be following your good example and make that same 180. Almost make it to bed before midnight but I had to come here tonight for a dose of PMA.
I think she'll be back unless her h does something to keep her there? That's a good way to put it. The Dark Curse over Fairytaleland. I'm not sure what it will take but hopefully one day soon he will let go and stop trying to fix her.
IF he does wake up and dump her once and for all I will remember her but chances are pretty good that her memory will fade quickly for me. I know she won't give up easily. The last time he told her to leave she told him that she'd leave when she was damn well ready. It gave her time to regroup and try a new tactic...and it worked! I know her and also know that she is an extremely competitive woman. Even if she doesn't want him, she will do whatever it takes to win. What does winning look like in her world? Getting him to D me, marrying him, taking his money and riding off into the sunset in her kayak....the one that I poked tiny, invisible to the eye holes in. LOL
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
H came by and asked me if I'd like to have dinner with him at his house earlier tonight. I hesitated knowing that I should say no and take a rain check but he insisted in a way too convincing and polite manner so I agreed. I wanted to have my own car there so I followed him over. He lit candles, lit the fireplace and told me to relax while he made dinner. I don't sit in one place for very long when I'm home and it was no different there. I did my best to sit still but I failed miserably. LOL He set the table so that we were seated next to each other instead of the usual facing each other. We talked mostly about what was going at work as we ate. As we were finishing up he mentioned some things about the ow and her major financial issues. He didn't seem too happy about it but he defended her blaming her h for the problems. She's suppose to be back tomorrow.
All in all it was very pleasant other than the ow talk and the house vibes. He rarely cooks so that was something different. He was very relaxed and seemed pleased to be serving me instead of the other way around. He said it felt good to be doing something for me and how I've always taken care of him. He was very complimentary telling me how nice I looked and then asked what I had done today. He didn't believe me when I told him and assumed that I had gone out to lunch with someone and didn't want to admit it.
As I was leaving he said that it was nice to have me over again and that it had been awhile. He wants me to come over again when he lights the fire pit for the first time.
Oh, almost forgot. While I was waiting for him to finish cooking I took a walk outside to look at the garden and just happened to notice that the kayak that she rode off in was there. Not where the other 2 are. Almost like it was hidden. Must be a sore spot for one of them. Anyway, there are still 3 chances for another one way kayak ride.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Yes this is the same house that she came to live in with my h. Hmmm, I would guess that she won't know that I've been there again. Although he told her during one of their blow ups that I have been there many times. That's probably why she's pulled out all of the stops and is pursing him with a vengeance. It's all about winning (and the money) for her.
I don't know if you were reading my thread back then but one of the times at kml's suggestion I accidently dropped an earring there. H didn't know and I never heard if there was any fallout. When I was there yesterday I thought about spraying just a little bit of my perfume around her closet but thought that might be going a little too far. The vibes in that house are pretty strong. It doesn't feel like a real home to me. Nothing is very comfortable to sit on. It's all there for show and not for warmth and comfort. Her style not my h's.
I noticed that you moved over here to MLC! I think you're in the right place. Your h does have many of the traits that are indicative of mlc.
Thanks for stopping by to comment. I'm watching your thread closer now and you're doing well considering the latest unwanted mail deliveries.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Just got a message from my h that he is thinking of selling the his car. That would leave him with his truck which is fine BUT the car is in both of our names and I will have to sign off on it when/if he sells it. I know that if I won't agree to sign he will do whatever it will take to get my signature. I fear that once he gets the money out of it he will blow it on a vacation or whatever the ow wants to blow it on. (He said he was going to put it in an acct to use in the future on his current house.)
He had the car appraised as he was thinking about selling it just before the ow moved here. It's worth approx. $20K. I'm not in a major panic and maybe I'm over reacting but I can't help but wonder what he's up to.
He mumbled something about her bringing her old soccer mom van up here to use.
Do I just let him do as he wishes, make him share the proceeds with me or ????
Thanks
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
That's a good way to put it. The Dark Curse over Fairytaleland. I'm not sure what it will take but hopefully one day soon he will let go and stop trying to fix her. 
The vibes in that house are pretty strong. It doesn't feel like a real home to me. Nothing is very comfortable to sit on. It's all there for show and not for warmth and comfort. Her style not my h's.