Fog City Coaster continues

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Time to start a new thread. My previous thread is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...955#Post2394955

My roller coaster ride continues, but I am getting more used to the ups and downs and that helps make it a little less scary.

I am continuing to work on me and improve myself as a person, but my current work schedule has taken a little away from my GAL activities.

Others have posted on my thread suggesting that my situation fits within the “pursuer distancer” dynamic. The general suggestion for this dynamic seems to be “the darker you go” the better the outcome will be. I continue to struggle with considering and then rejecting going darker.

I believe that my w will just disappear if I go dark for the following reasons

• We are both on our second marriage and our time together has been relatively short.
• W was with her first H for 17 years and when he moved on she didn’t try to go back to him
• We have no kids together
• She has cut off everyone connected to me in her life including my kids
• I believe that for my marriage to R, w will have to fall back in love with me. And the only way for that to happen will be for me to be at least somewhat present.

Yesterday my teaching time consisted of proctoring exams for 6 hours. During this time I sent my w a random text about a funny memory from the very beginning of our relationship. She replied that it was a strange flashback and I had too much time on my hands (her wording leads me to believe that she was mildly entertained). I text her back that I was proctoring tests and catching cheaters.. which I did; always a pain when you catch a student cheating… Anyway I will back off a little now.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Last Tuesday, while w and I were together, w expressed some anxiety about needing to fulfill a continuing education requirement for a license that we both possess. I told her that I would take care of getting her signed up. So I took care of this for her and she text me today thanking me and telling me I am wonderful.

I am not sure if I did the right thing or not (in offering to do this for her). I know there is some thought that when a spouse leaves you stop doing things for them and let them take care of themselves. Also, psychological research shows that we like people more by doing things for them than by having things done for us.

Still, my w had told me prior to BD, and since BD that she wants somebody who will take care of her. I have not done a good job of getting her to clarify for me exactly what she means by wanting to be "taken care of". But during our relationship, signing us up for the course would have been she would have done, not me. So this time I took care of it.

[JayMan]

I think that's a pretty good disconnected action to take. If you had gotten flowers - probably a 2x4.

But helping her out - what I always say is that, EVEN if it helps WAW become an XW, you always know you did the right thing.

My XW1 went to RN school on my dime and flunked out. I told her she had to go support herself, and she did, and had the worst time of her life. Now, almost 7 years later, she has finally landed a "day" job working Mon-Fri 9-5 - everything up to this point has been awful for her. For SEVEN years, she has hated her life, her schedule, her job, everything about herself.

Would I marry XW1 over again? Not a snowball's chance in hell, but she has figured out, after seven years, that divorce does not equal a great life.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Journaling

No contact from w since she thanked me for signing her up for the course on Friday. (She got the course confirmation thru email and then sent a thank you text. I did not respond.)

I continue to mentally struggle with wanting to speed up the process. I went out with friends and enjoyed myself this weekend, but find myself wishing I was with my w.

It has actually become more difficult for me since I have come to believe that reconciliation is possible.

With the holidays approaching and being in this sort of limbo where I am not really sure what we are, I find myself wanting to force the issue even though I know that kind of pressure will likely push her away.

I am not really sure how others are able to stay true to potentially reconciling while going on with their lives and becoming better and happier people; I was doing better when I thought the relationship had virtually no chance.

[AnotherStander]

I believe that my w will just disappear if I go dark for the following reasons

I think a lot of people recommend going dark when what they really mean is to detach. Personally I see going dark as a last resort, it is something the LBS does for themselves to help them detach and drop the rope. Going dark rarely if ever gets people back together, because basically going dark is the LBS making themselves unavailable to the WAS, which the WAS interprets as the LBS being cold and distant. What WAS wants to get back together with a cold and distant LBS? I think a more appropriate approach is for the LBS to allow the WAS to see them being happy/ content/ independent/ sexy. Let them see you living your own life, let them see that you will be fine with or without them. Adopt a "friendly neighbor" attitude when you're around them, be nice rather than cold and distant. This isn't "dark" and it isn't "pursuit", it's kind of inbetween.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I believe that my w will just disappear if I go dark for the following reasons

I think a lot of people recommend going dark when what they really mean is to detach. Personally I see going dark as a last resort, it is something the LBS does for themselves to help them detach and drop the rope. Going dark rarely if ever gets people back together, because basically going dark is the LBS making themselves unavailable to the WAS, which the WAS interprets as the LBS being cold and distant. What WAS wants to get back together with a cold and distant LBS? I think a more appropriate approach is for the LBS to allow the WAS to see them being happy/ content/ independent/ sexy. Let them see you living your own life, let them see that you will be fine with or without them. Adopt a "friendly neighbor" attitude when you're around them, be nice rather than cold and distant. This isn't "dark" and it isn't "pursuit", it's kind of inbetween.

Thanks AS

That pretty well sums up what I am doing. Still there is some wiggle room for giving a little more or a little less space and I struggle with that. I have found that I can give my w a little nudge (maybe a text about a bill, or a random comment about liking wine), and w will text me the next day with a response and ask me to have a drink or dinner with her. Now I am trying to see if she will reach out on her own without a nudge. I debate with myself about how long to go before I nudge her a little.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I have been in no contact since Friday. I am not sure if these periods of no contact do me any good or not. I am super busy with my two jobs and having my kids this week. Anyway, I will probably text w later today just to say hi or send a joke or something...

[AnotherStander]

I have found that I can give my w a little nudge (maybe a text about a bill, or a random comment about liking wine), and w will text me the next day with a response and ask me to have a drink or dinner with her. Now I am trying to see if she will reach out on her own without a nudge. I debate with myself about how long to go before I nudge her a little.

Personally I think that is a very positive sign that a little nudge from you results in her basically asking for a date! As long as your nudges aren't pursuit (and it doesn't sound like they are) then I think you're doing fine.

[JayMan]

I tend to agree with AS - don't swing the other way with DBing where you are so paralyzed that you can't see positive signs. I think the big fear on here is that positive signs get confused with cake-eating, and that's sometimes difficult to determine without knowing your spouse as well as you do.

To me, DB is about finding balance (although I sorta stink at it!)

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Update:

On Wednesday night I sent my w the following text.

Me: I need a bubble. You have a spare?

Back story. Predating our relationship, my w has blocked out problems in her life and chaos so that she could focus on things that need to get done. She called this her bubble. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with problems and it was a red flag for me when we first started dating. As we built our lives together, the thought that maybe my w could use some help in this area sort of faded.

The bubble came to have many different meanings in our relationship including joining together in the bubble as a term used to describe ML.

She responded Thursday morning

Her: Nope only one!!! I will need to share

Me(later that afternoon): do you accept wine as payment for bubble share?

Her (instantly): You can't put a price on bubble sharing

Me (later Thursday night): can I at least bring a bubble warming gift?

She has not responded yet.