You may be surprised to know I'm sitting at my PC working actually. W had a delivery coming this morning (still spending money like crazy), and didn't invite me, and I wouldn't have accepted. She invited me over last night, and instead I went out with some friends to dinner. She also invited me over Monday, but I haven't responded.
Some thoughts: I have a couple of friends who separated for a year over the H's affair, and they got back together and are happily married for about 3 years since then. The W was the picture of grace - loved her H, stood up to the affair with appropriate boundaries, let him go, they didn't communicate for months - She started a bakery while he wasn't really helping out with the kids. He took half their savings and basically blew it over about 8 months. I asked him what his W did to change his mind - was it because she was so loving, because she let him go, etc? He said, "No, I actually HATED her for being so good. The only thing that changed was I woke up one morning and realized I needed to do the right thing." Interesting that her DBing (even though she didn't know that's what it was) actually made him hate her, and he just decided in himself to do the right thing.
Also, I had the talk I had sort of been dreading with my kids last week. Basically said W had decided to move forward with divorce, so our families would be separating permanently. I also said that it would mean the step-kids would be moving on, as would we, so we would be taking a little time and space and not spending time together as a family. Obviously they're going to see each other at school and outings and stuff, and that's OK. D13 cried a little, but she said, "I understand, and I think you're right that we should take some time apart because it's so hard for me to see them, because it always makes me want them back." She's so stinkin' responsible and mature.
Unfortunately, W didn't tell the step-kids like she said she would, so D10 was calling XW1 last night and asking for D13 to come over. I said not right now, and D10 was very upset. W called me all mad about how I was an a55 for not letting them spend time together, and I simply responded that I was so sorry for D10, and this situation was hard for everyone, but with D proceeding rapidly, it was time to start moving on.
Normally, I would've been like "Well, you filed divorce, so this is all YOUR fault, so why don't you look in the mirror." I'm proud I'm not that guy anymore!
I'm seriously at the point now where I may just sign the dissolution and give it to her. I know that seems like a rash thought, but my kids are prepped now. W's actions have led step-kids to believe she is divorced and has a boyfriend. W hasn't spoken to our common friends in weeks. She doesn't speak to her family except her aunt. Movers are getting her piano Tuesday, and that's really the last required topic of conversation that we've had.
Just seems that enduring three months of divorce proceedings is just gonna be torture through the holidays, and I'd rather spend it focused on the kids. If W changes her mind, it's easy to get re-married, and maybe being "free" is what she needs. Deep thoughts on a Friday morning!
Hmm... why must the kids suffer and have to "seperate"/have time apart? I don't have kids so maybe I'm ignorant on the matter....but letting them still talk and hang out, outside of school, my help them transition better??? I dont know..it just made me feel a bit sad for them.
Interesting story about your friends and their seperation...he may have "hated" her for happily moving on and being nice to him and truly believe it was as simply as "waking up"...but I wonder if the wife hadn't confidently walked away and maintained positive behaviors...and instead persued, looked weak ...would it have been so easy to wake up and do the right thing. Either way, I am glad things worked out for them. I wish my H would "wake up and do the right thing" lol
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Yeah, he would have hated her either way. People who leave find or invent a reason to hate their LBS.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Interesting that her DBing (even though she didn't know that's what it was) actually made him hate her, and he just decided in himself to do the right thing.
That's actually EXACTLY what I would have expected to hear from a DB'd reformed WAS. Often the WAS resents the LBS for changing, they say things like "why did you wait until now to change" and "why couldn't you have done this before it was too late". That's why we stress that the changes have to be for YOU, and it's also why we stress that it takes many months before the WAS will even begin to see the changes not as tricks to get them back, but as real and genuine. Regarding the last line, this is why we say it's important to give the WAS time and space, because they are on their own journey and they have to reach the destination by themselves, the LBS cannot help them get there. Basically what your buddy told you is just confirmation of the validity of DB'ing principles.
AS, I disagree. I think there is some inherent sense of morality that is instilled in some people, and not in others. It gets fuzzy at times, but always swings back around.
Well, I really am done, guys. People have told me "No, you're not, it's just a phase" - so I keep hanging on, and staying true, but I can't do the fake crap anymore.
W was pretty nasty about the incident with D10 not being allowed to come over - she basically wants the kids to continue hanging out and sobbing when they leave because they know they aren't brothers and sisters anymore; W feels guilty so tries to get them together to feel better.
I responded one time pretty angrily because I have loved those kids as my own, then I stopped and apologized, and said, "I'm sorry, I don't want to argue. I want things to be different instead of arguing, so let's do something new, and be positive. If you want to bring the kids to dinner, we're going XYZ place." It was a neutral place that all four kids love, a 180 for me to stop the arguing and suggest something positive, and a chance for the kids to be together for maybe one of the last times.
W actually called me and said she would come, but only had S5, not D10. She sat down and immediately said, "don't touch me, we are not friends". She then proceeded to tell me what ugly babies our friends have - even the Down Syndrome baby that was given a 15% chance to live that survived through prayer and hope, and is now 2 weeks old and healthy.
Then she got up and left abruptly later, leaving me with the bill. It struck me driving home - what the heck are you exactly fighting for? This mean-spirited woman who will be mean about babies just to get a free meal?
The only positive is that S5 got to snuggle D13 the whole time, probably for the last time.
W texted me later and say she wanted to discuss some stuff about our relationship Monday, but quite honestly, I don't even want to be around her.
I dont know..it just made me feel a bit sad for them.