Moving this over from my old thread, from that wise one, uRworthy:
Quote:
Ang, here's the thing about all that. Yes, it was a backslide. Yes, they happen. You shake it off, you move on from it. It will not make or break your sitch.
What he said, they have all said in one form or another - "See, thats why Im leaving."
They need to justify it in their heads. If they can't, then where are they? It is important, though, to take a look at what stung because there could be valuable info there.
I've been thinking about this all afternoon...and wondering why what he was saying today stung so much. After all, he's said and done worse. Why did his attitude about me not being "civil" enough hurt so much?
Part of it was that I just felt so unimportant, so unworthy. He'll spend several texts pretending to be "civil" and getting onto me for not being civil...and yet, just a day ago he was name calling and insulting me.
He is putting all this effort into being "civil" and nice now, but didn't even try to before. I guess the thing is that he showed he CAN be nice to me when it serves him, but I'm just not important enough to be nice to when I need him to be nice.
You are angry because you are hurt. All valid feelings. And anger can be used to propel you forward. So it is best to feel it, then let it wash over you. Otherwise it weighs you down and saps your energy. Energy better spent on you.
So, you need to put some plans into place when this kind of stuff happens so you are prepared to deal with it.
What could you do when these discussions escalate and you feel out of control?
I need to be better at telling him, "I really can't talk about this right now. I will at a later time when things calm down, etc." and then, just walk away or stop texting immediately, instead of always trying to get in the last word or answer back.
I need to find a way to realize that whatever issue is getting so heated does NOT have to be solved right then and there. I can let it go for a bit and it will be okay.
How can you react differently? Not for him, for you. Because you want to become your best you.
My best me. Hmmmmm. Still not sure what/who that is yet, but I'm working on it.
Well, y'all would be sorta proud of me this evening.
H started texting me again, right after work. He wasn't coming home again (big surprise) and he wanted me to tell the kids that he missed them, etc.
I took that as him trying to put a guilt trip on me because of our conversation this morning. So, I was mean (at first...hang on...I get better in a minute) and told him to tell them himself. That I wasn't even home yet and that he wasn't going to blame me for HIM deciding not to come home.
So, the texts started getting heated...when I took a long, deep breath and remembered everything y'all posted to me today (and before, but especially today)and I decided that I needed to do an immediate 180.
The next time he texted me, I didn't blast back, like he was expected but I.....wait for it....I VALIDATED him.
I started texting back things like, "That must really frustrate you when I do that. I'll work on it. I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't see things that way but now understand how you would see it that way, etc."
And it worked. He calmed down. I calmed down. We quit texting and no fight was started. He did text a bit ago to tell the kids good night. But, we ended the night on a less confrontational note. And, I could tell by the tone of this last few texts that he couldn't figure out why I wasn't fighting back.
Doesn't mean he still won't move out, but at least, I'm handling things better and in a more DBing way.
Now, the challenge is to continue behaving well tomorrow!
Thanks, Cadet. I got a homework list from you on Newcomers. Also, I read a lot of the MLC stuff when I first joined the boards but I probably should go back and read again. So, I will.
On my phone at work, so posting is a little hard. Bear with me a bit.
Read your threads and am caught up.
What a whirlwind...
First, twice you posted you would get the book with your next check.
No more waiting. Go to the library and get a copy. Today. You can check if its in online and put it on hold. If you don't have a library card, get one.
I will post more later...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm proud of you Angela. It is so hard to validate when you have been spewing emotions for so long. Something I have been doing too. But you did it! You caught yourself and it turned out great. Amazing to see.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
cat04 - I tried our little, small town library, and they don't have it, but, yes, I do need to get it!!! I get paid once a month, and TOMORROW is the day! So, I'll buy it. Hold me to it! Lol.
cat04 - I tried our little, small town library, and they don't have it, but, yes, I do need to get it!!! I get paid once a month, and TOMORROW is the day! So, I'll buy it. Hold me to it! Lol.
Thanks, Pud.
See if you can order it on inter library loan.
It will be free.
Ask the librarian.
I got over 30 books from the library and mine had almost none of them.
HELP!!!! I just discovered my H is STILL having his AFFAIR...don't know what to do/say!!!! I literally have NO ONE else to talk to.
Oct 2012 - I find texts on H's phone to/from H's ex GF from high school (we'll call her T) that were extremely flirtatious. They both promised it was never a PA. She is going through nasty divorce/custody battle. They both promise to end it.
Oct until now, I kept wondering if affair ended as H still has second phone and gets texts from "Mike" all the time that seem weird from a guy, like "Good morning. Have a good night?" etc. Also, he's making lots of trips to his hometown but not to see his family, who he isn't talking to.
Tonight, I go in to wake H to get ready for his night shift and his phone lights up on night stand, it's from Mike and says, "I miss you so much." So, I went against ALL snooping rules and grabbed phone. All day today, he's been texting her how "madly in love with her he is," etc. Through all the texts it is very obvious it's a woman and it's an affair.
I call the number and it's T (the ex GF) from last year, a year ago. She gets very angry because she was told that H and I divorced after their relationship last year. She has kids that she is in a custody battle over, etc. and she is afraid that I am going to ruin her name in their hometown, etc.
We end up having two really long phone calls. H is FURIOUS and frantic and starts screaming into the phone that I am lying and that we are divorced. Starts yelling completely irrational stuff at my phone. I get off the phone and want to scream, yell, throw things, and act crazy. But, thanks to DBing, I don't. I calmly let H rant and yell. Then, when he calms down he asks if we can talk about it.
We sit down, and I am numb. My heart is shattered but I don't even know what to ask or say or do. I cried a little bit, but no yelling. He calls me all kinds of names and tries to make it my fault. Threatens to "ruin" me.
I finally ask H questions before he can talk to her and tell her what to say. Then, I talk to her, for the second time. She could totally be a lying "you know what" but she seems sincere.
If she is to be believed (and they both said the same things, separately and without having a chance to get their stories straight):
(1) This has not been a PA, yet. She isn't officially divorced yet and wouldn't go that far with him. Plus, she's afraid of losing her kids because they aren't hers biologically. He says it because he promised me that he wouldn't cheat on me like that (but obviously he's a lying &^%$#@#$%^^%$%.....so who knows?)
(2) It's been texting and a few visits to go out on "dates". So they have seen each other.
(3) She claims she had no idea he was still married. He told her that we were D'd and that he lived in a town 20 miles from here.
What I'm confused about is that H and I have continued to have sex. He told me about 2-3 weeks ago that he loved me for the first time in a year. A month ago, he randomly grabbed my hand in the car and held it. He's been hugging and kissing me more.
I asked him about this. He said the feelings for me are still there. That he loves T in a different way.
And, I feel so pathetic and worthless because he kept saying, "I know you hate me. I know you want to divorce me now. etc."
And, I told him that I think marriages can be repaired from EA's like this. I told him that I didn't want him gone. I told him that I was confused and hurt and not sure what I wanted right now...that I need some time to process this.
He then said that he has felt for awhile that I don't want him around and that he isn't "done" yet on us...
There's lots more but I am just SPINNING and SPINNING. I have NO idea how to handle this.
He called me once on his way to work to let me know what T won't talk to him now. And to see if we can talk after I get off work tomorrow.
Talk about what? I thought his EA was OVER a year ago!!!! This whole time, he's been lying to me and cheating on me.
What hurts the most is that I saw the words, "I'm madly in love with you..." that he texted to her. How do I ever overcome that????
