How do I DB when I was the emotional abuser?

[I love my wife]

Hello,

I have posted in a much longer thread describing my situation. Basically, my wife filed last week in Pasadena to dissolve our marriage and she is adamantly digging in our heels, offering to buy me out of the house and even co-sign on a property in Studio City so she can raise the kids without me.

Mostly, she is citing ten years of emotional and verbal abuse. It's not quite abuse as in ad hominem attacks but angry, controlling, jealous rage and manipulation on my part. I've been a terrible person, but I do love her.

I don't want anyone here to judge me.

I was on medication the whole time she has known me but I never got the proper psychotherapy.

I believe I can control my mood swings, which closely resemble bipolar disorder, but aren't quite that. I do not want to be manipulative and controlling and if I knew I had a chance at the marriage I might be willing to turn over a new leaf permanently.

My question is, what are some tips for DBing while my spouse may actually love me but is divorcing me due to past and recent manipulative and controlling behavior. Can six months of excellent non-crappy behavior overshadow ten years of perceived awfulness.

N.B.: She spent two hours on the phone last night with my mom, worried about my medical condition (I'm in a bad mental state but am getting help) and saying things like "I want him to be well for his next relationship" and "I want him to be well for the kids." and "I am still divorcing him but want him to be well"

Additionally, she has had a history of saying somewhat angry things so we kind of set each other off sometimes.

Can this actually be helped or am I in the minority of marriages that should end?

We've both lawyered up -- she paid $14,000 and I paid $5,000. I still can't believe my wife is suing me.

If she says she "cares about" me and want us to "be friends" and "be amicable" after the divorce what does all that mean?

[MrBond]

First off, welcome to the boards. I see that you have been all over the place with your posts, so I encourage you to stick to one thread so that everyone can follow. You'll find no better place to find people who will help you get your M back on track.

Second... "I don't want anyone here to judge me."

If this is how you feel, then I suggest you go elsewhere. If you really want to find out what your W is thinking we will tell you. There are times that it will sound judgemental, HOWEVER it is NOT what you think that matters. It matters what your W thinks. She has judged you and found you to be a poor spouse for whatever reason.

If you are not open to hearing the negatives about things you may have done (even if they were for behavioral problems), then you won't save your M. Even a recovering alcoholic who wants to succeed understands the damage they've caused and are willing to hear and understand the consequences.

You not wanting to be "judged" continues to show how you are putting YOUR needs ahead of your W's.

Your M can be saved and I seriously see a way how you can do it. BUT it requires alot of looking inwards which I have a feeling you're going to be defensive about.

Do you want to save your M or not?

[Ambivalent]

Mostly, she is citing ten years of emotional and verbal abuse. It's not quite abuse as in ad hominem attacks but angry, controlling, jealous rage and manipulation on my part. I've been a terrible person, but I do love her.

If she says it's verbal abuse, then that is her perception. Own it without being condescending or excusing it.

Can six months of excellent non-crappy behavior overshadow ten years of perceived awfulness.

NOPE. She will not believe the supposed change for a long while.

Sounds like you have some work ahead of you. What have YOU done to make yourself a spouse that someone would be a fool to leave?

What have you read?

Are you in regular IC ?

What have been the 180's you have done?

[I love my wife]

From 1986 to 1995, I received treatment for ADD. At that time I did not have ADHD, but just an attention span issue.

I went off the medication from 1995 until just two days ago. Every single symptom described in my ten years relationship with my wife and the five year relationship with her predecessor fits perfectly into textbook ADHD. I am not one to avoid medication, so I immediately went onto the Adderall.

She noticed some changes in me in one day but simply said things like "well, it looks like you can handle 50% custody of the kids at least." and "I'm glad that you're well. You can be a great husband to your next wife or girlfriend."

The problem is, she checked out a while ago, and so I don't know how much time I have.

Here are the 180s I did, with the help of Adderall, and they may be hard for people without ADHD to understand:

* Started anticipating the things she would ask for before asking for them, and providing them. Even things as simple as a glass of water while she is breast-pumping, or bringing her a napkin, or taking the baby without her having to ask. Unfortunately, she has alrady hired a woman to help us and has told her that I will be moving out. She insists that things are easier when I am not around.

* Started waking up early in the morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, again with the help of the adhd meds, which allow me to take over caring for our son, get him changed, dressed and soothed under the mobile.

* Immediately started taking over folding laundry in the morning. For a while this was my job but I was basically fired from it and W has been doing it for months. I'm slightly more domestic in regards to dishes and laundry, but I think if I do them before she even has a chance to ask, then that must be helping.

* Again, with the 180, going along with the divorce talk. She and I are shopping for a 2br or 3br condo in Burbank in the $400k range, and she has even expressed a willingness to co-sign on the mortgage. I'd leave it to her if anything happened to me, of course.

* I'm just being a very positive, cheery person. I sent her a message on Google chat talking about how our children are a physical manifestation of love. I used to say stuff like this all the time when I was a kid taking ADD meds, and I think it brings out the better facets of my personality.

The thing is, she's still meeting with her attorney today, 11/18, and still progressing with the divorce. She made her mind up years ago and even if I am on the best behavior in three months, I wonder if there is something more I can do.

We haven't yet had a stretch of 3 good months since she told me she wanted a divorce. However, armed with my diagnosis, I feel like a lot can change between now and January. Who knows?

When a woman files for divorce and says every day that she wants it, does it mean on the days she doesn't mention or talk about it, she could be having doubts? How do I know the resolve of a WAW. She once told her sister she wishes I'd go get a girlfriend and just leave her alone. She's very angry at me for the stalking behavior, and rightfully so.

Unfortunately, impulsive behavior is the hallmark of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and that's what got me into a deeper morass between July and today. I believe I have that under control, even with regards to angery.

An example: My car ran out of gas today while I was driving my 3yo to school. It was very embarrassing and I had to tell her that the car was hungry. I didn't lose my temper or yell or anything. She was angry at me but I kept my cool. I did not raise my voice. There was no pressure speech.

How do I get a wounded, angry spouse to warm up to me.

Also, if I get asked to move out politely, how can I still DB? The problem is I still have to be around for the kids, so she can't exactly miss me, and all of the new improvements I have been doing in the mornings won't get done and won't get noticed.

I know my situation is not unique, but I need to figure out a game plan. I know that there must be some hope. Also, a small piece of small talk slipped through the cracks this morning. "Jennifer has been out sick with a cold." Jennifer is her coworker who hates my guts. Even saying that means she's let her guard down a tiny amount. Is that pretty good for 1 day.

Ok, I need to breathe now. Thanks.

[MrBond]

So you didn't answer my question. Are you willing to be open to this process? There are going to be times when you might feel "judged" and start getting defensive. If you're willing to be open to things (even if you don't agree with them) and not take on a bad attitude, then we can help.

"How do I get a wounded, angry spouse to warm up to me."

With time and patience. Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In one column, write down the things that she specifically said she had a problem with you. In the other, write down what you plan to do to change those things. PUt a timeline on them.

"Also, if I get asked to move out politely, how can I still DB?"

By continuing to do what you do.

"The problem is I still have to be around for the kids, so she can't exactly miss me, and all of the new improvements I have been doing in the mornings won't get done and won't get noticed."

Why do you think DB has to involve her "missing" you? Be the good dad you need to be and she can be attracted to you that way.

"I know my situation is not unique, but I need to figure out a game plan."

Follow instructions above.

"I know that there must be some hope."

There is.

"Also, a small piece of small talk slipped through the cracks this morning."

This is good. Write down all positive interactions and see what you can do about increasing those.

[I love my wife]

I learned that she is pretending to warm up to me to keep me cooperating long enough for her to file a police report and then ask me to leave. Unfortunately, she has asked me to vacate the house for a month now and is not allowing me access to the kids. If I don't comply she is threatening to leave and take them to her father's house. Not sure I want this marriage any more

I was really good for the kids. Even the woman she hired to help her noticed it.

Tonight I did stuff for me. I got on the guest list of one of the hippest clubs in Hollywood, and I was the cool 36 year old guy walking around with a scotch. Kept my wedding ring on and got lots of attention.

Tell me again why I need this marriage? Ok kidding, I need her to warm up to me but I suspect after a month she'll still be afraid of my behavior.

[I love my wife]

Actually, I still love this woman very much, but unfortunately, I had to make a choice to vacate. She threatened to take the kids to her father's house 20 miles east of here. Problem is that they would be interrupted from school, and play, and her commute from Rosemead to Woodland Hills would be something like 90 minutes, so I had to acquiesce and leave the property for the kids' sake.

She likes to remind me daily that we're getting a divorce, even though she forgives me for everything. She uses the words "It's been ten years. I'm done. I've changed. I'm broken."

It's really scary how distant I have become from this woman in the last few weeks. She seems to love it. There is no other man, I believe her.

[Ambivalent]

I love...

Pick a thread and stick to one. This way those of us can help.

Right now, you need to step back and allow her some space. ADD/HD is no excuse. I am familiar with it personally and for many years. Raised two daughters and dealt with diagnosis.

If you are on Adderall and it's working , keep up with it. Get some counseling and start working out to exhaust your body some.

After 10 years of the behavior you have described she is going to be a tough nut. So presently WORK ON YOURSELF.

Make sure there are arrangements for the kids visitation, stay away from temptation. NOT GOOD to be needing female validation. She is not rejecting your manhood, she is rejecting the behavior you have exhibited for quite some time.

Breathe, and read until you drop. Then read some more.

Make sure the diagnosis is correct and you don't have OCD. For ADD meds can make OCD worse. They have very similar behaviors, as well as Bi-polar and highly gifted individuals. Just because you were diagnosed many years ago, does not make it so.
Many diagnosis were incorrect during that period , slightly prior and after.

Good luck.

[I love my wife]

Here's an update.

Since my last outburst I was asked by my DW to leave the house, so my attorney wrote a letter saying that I was voluntarily doing it so she did not disrupt the kids.

Coincidentally, one of our dogs died yesterday and she asked me to come take the body to the vet. I'm abbreviating that part of the story, because it's sad and not part of the discussion. I stuck around, had dinner, put my daughter to bed, and left around 10:15.

Today, I took my first step towards continuing on the divorce. I met with a realtor (A very attractive Los Angeles 10 who is 26 years old) found a place, and I am making an offer tomorrow. DW has to pay me out to keep the house so she is going to put up the cash for my 20% downpayment, which is half of my payout.

I'm actually very excited about moving out and getting my own place that I own -- a nice 3 story townhome with a two car garage. Can't beat that in LA. What's funny is that I am finally emotionally over her. I mean, I want to have sex with her, but I am actually not that interested in reconciling.

She is still digging her heels in and dead set on the divorce. I'm going to enjoy living in my new home. If she and I reconcile, we can even move into it, since it's close to Hollywood, etc, and bigger than our 4br. But if she doesn't want to reconcile, I'll be fine too. I'm going to live in my own home where I make my own rules. Odds are we will not reconcile, but I think the DBing actually has helped me with the emotional separation.

We are getting along and making much more smalltalk now, but she was very hurt by me for months by my spying, so I understand. The divorce is transactional. It's punishment. Of course, once she sees the finality of all of this, this tough-as-nails woman may have a change of heart. Hope it's not too late for her.

[I love my wife]

As crazy as it sounds, I am done chasing her. I am comfortable with the divorce. I am just going to be the best father to our two kids, and hope for the best. This divorce will likely happen, without any shadow of a doubt.

In fact, I even started going to singles mixer events, not to go on dates, just to be around other single people. I am now checked out emotionally from the marriage and am now at the point where she was about two years ago.

I have changed the relationship dynamic as best as I could. I opened escrow on a nice home in Studio City today and will be probably moving in there early December. At this point I never want to move back to the family home that I purchased before our marriage. In fact, this place is nearer her job and her place is nearer my job, so we have joked about passing each other on the freeway and giving the finger.

In the unlikely event that we reconcile, I think we should move into this new place and rent out the old home, but I don't want to live there any more.

I am still grappling with the prospect of her eventually dating someone else. I know this sounds terrible, but I'll be ok as long as I meet someone first. Then again, when that relationship fails, as they inevitably do, I'll want her back even more.