I've been DBing, GALing and giving H and I very much needed space.
I must say that H's reactions have been quite positive and we have been having some great days and moments and, as far as I'm concerned, things are turning a positive curve. I stopped pursuing and talking about R and OW in any way, shape or form, unless it's with a MC, and even then I am trying the 4Cs.
I will get in more details once I manage to post anything in this board. Somehow I have been blocked.
SS11 has been in town and H and I just don't talk about R and try not to fight in front of him. As a matter of fact, this is probably the first time ever that SS11's visit didn't trigger any fights and we have all been doing nothing but having pleasant interactions. We laugh a lot at the kids playing and at each other.
H has been very nice to me and vice versa. I make sure all the men in the house are well fed and H always wants to accompany me in everything I do. Today, for instance, I mentioned I needed to go to Target to get some things for the babies and he wanted to come along.
Then in the evening he said he was going to the park and I asked whether he wanted to take S1 or if I should keep him at home. He said, we should all go. Basically, every time he does anything, he wants me to come along.
H has been very kind to me with little favors like making me coffee and things like that.
I catch H staring at me a lot. I give him lots of space. At night I say good night first and go upstairs. I no longer linger or do anything that seems like I'm pursuing. If I have plans with friends I just go. Even if I don't have plans, but they are just sitting around the house, I get busy upstairs.
I'm not sure if he still talks with OW and it almost seems like he doesn't. I never mention her or the R. It's like nothing ever happened.
I have MC this week and told him its up to him to come or not. He and SS11 have plans to go to an amusement park on that day, so I just left it at that.
Overall we are doing a lot of laughing and just having a good time. It's almost like my old H is back. There's an elephant in the middle of the room, though and I wonder if H will go back to being weird when SS11 leaves.
I was showing him something on my iPad and this community was open. I closed it quickly because I didn't want him to know I'm here. He immediately said, "is that your attorney? Are you still talking with attorneys?" With an accusatory tone of voice, so I had to show him the community and show him the book.
I've been seeing a lot of positives since deciding to change my demeanor. I hope they stick around.
Here are the main changes I've done:
- no pursuing in any way. If he is in a room, I even go to another room. He follows sometimes. It's actually funny.
- no crying, not even at MC
- no talking about R outside MC
- no acknowledging the OW (and suddenly she seems less important even to me)
- doing more laughing, having more fun
- giving H space
- being sweet to SS11 (we clashed a few years ago)
- taking better care of the house (a 180 and a pet peeve of H)
- not making sarcastic remarks
- GALing by continuing my exercise routine, going out with friends, focusing on the baby
Things that have changed:
- H sits next to me, sometimes shoulder to shoulder, on the couch, whereas before he sat far away
- H wants me to be with them every second of the day, doing everything together
- H has complimented the way I look and has offered to take care of S1 so I could rest, nap, go to a spa
- H jokes around with me
- I catch H looking at me
- H has shown signs of jealousy when I got a very generous gift for the babies (a brand new double bob -- it's a $700 jogging stroller) from a male friend. He was visibly annoyed and even said, "this guy just has the hots for you."
- H is more involved with the baby stuff
- MC asked that we talked about the S with SS11 and I'm waiting for H to take the lead. He has yet to bring anything up, even when SS11 asked questions that show he is clearly confused. I find that to be a positive because if H was certain he wanted out, he would not be so afraid to talk with SS11.
Journaling: I'm sure some of you go through those feelings... My heart has been cold as of late. Maybe I detached so much that I lost some of the warm feelings I still had for H? I'm not sure. I'm starting to feel disappointment more than anything. A part of me almost doesn't want to fight for him if he truly decides to leave.
It's not that I'm not strong enough. I'm just not sure anymore if my love for him is.
H went to an amusement park with SS11 and my 180 for the day was leaving them alone. I would usually call and check on them. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but not calling is part of my giving him space.
Throughout the day I thought it'd be nice if H brought me a little something sweet from the road. I usually do that for him, then I thought with myself, "H would never bring me something from trips like that. Most of the time he forgets I exist"
But what do you know, he brought me ice cream, and my favorite, so that was a first of firsts.
Another positive was when SS11 and H were making fun of my snoring. Apparently they can hear me from the tv room. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and there's no lung space left, so I guess I'm snoring loudly. I said, well, that's attractive! And H assured me that it's not like that, and that he is happy I'm sleeping at all, and that that's what's important.
Hum.
H continues to be ultra friendly, which is very very different from a few weeks ago. He is more talkative and even a little nervous around me. Maybe because it feels so awkward that we are getting along?
I came to my bedroom early, like I have been doing for the past week or so, so H can do his own thing downstairs and hang out with SS11.
I'm new here, but from what I have read, you are doing a good job. I will have to ask in my thread (once it opens and I see my posts) what is the step-by-step process. For example, from what it sounds like, your R currently has the looks of something that has been pulled back from the brink of D. What's next?
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
I will get in more details once I manage to post anything in this board. Somehow I have been blocked.
You're not blocked, it's just that once a thread gets to 10 pages you're supposed to start a new one. Your old one (for anyone that wants to read the backstory) is here:
It was 14 pages so the mod's closed it as part of general "housecleaning".
Sounds like your DB'ing is going well, keep it up! I think you said you were 9 months pregnant last month, based on your new handle it sounds like you have a new baby? Congrats!
No baby yet, just lots of contractions, so any day now. That's why I changed my sig.
I can't figure H out. Today I was down for some reason. Too much thinking. So I hid in my room for a bit for a pity party. I don't want H to see me cry or upset, so I closed the door. I figured he would let me be and just hang out with the boys downstairs.
Within 20 minutes he was up here, knocked on the door and opened it before had a chance to tell him I'd be out in a sec.
He said, "what's wrong? What happened? What's wrong?"
I said I just wanted to be alone for a bit.
H: why? What's wrong? What happened?
I kept saying nothing, I just want to think.
H: think about what? What happened?
I finally said I'd be down in a second, that I just needed a minute. He said, "I thought we were taking the kids to splash pad. I've been waiting for you"
Btw. He didn't mention anything about a splash pad today until I came to the room, so I got ready and went downstairs to get S1 ready. H kept saying, "what's wrong? Why were you up there?"
I'm trying not to mind read, but why would he be so bothered?
My posts are still taking a few days to post. Don't know why?
Cadet, I'm going to get that book ASAP. This is EXACTLY what is going on here. H is really bothered by this distance I am giving him.
Don't know if I mention in one of my posts that are being moderated that I told H I got a nanny so I could go to our MC on my own since he will be in a park with SS11. He immediately said, "can't you schedule for another day so I can go?"
So he is moving my way, but anytime I start to drop the guard, he starts to act as if he is in a bad mood. I can't understand it. I will get that book to figure out why that is.
