Am I being stupid or DBing?

[imthebadguy]

WAW asked me to leave so I moved out for 3 weeks. The day I moved back in W left and hasn't been home for a week now, took D4 with her. I know she's hired a lawyer, but I have not been served yet.

I have left all our financial matters intact. Joint credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Since this began 4 months ago she has cleaned out checking twice and left me with the bounced checks. W continues to use credit cards like nothing has changed AND last week charged 5K to her lawyer. Today she pulled another $1000 from checking. She never OKs any of this with me prior.

W does not work. Drives a car she's never paid a dime for. Pays no bills, doesn't know what it means to balance a household budget and save for the future. I believe she is staying with friends right now.

I know she thinks I'm going to make this all about the money, she is very insecure about it and one of the most common things we fought about in the past. My 180 has been to say NOTHING about money so far, I haven't even hinted that I saw the lawyer charged on the card.

So here's my question: Am I just being stupid? Do I need to shut down everything joint and cut off all access to my paycheck? I feel like as soon as I do this she will go absolutely ballistic with the lawyer. As it stands now, she will not even discuss even the simplest matters with me at all so there is little hope of resolving any $$$ questions between the two of us.

Do I protect our assets and my (or our) future from her flailing about OR do I sit back and keep taking it on the chin?

[slow_it_down]

Hi IDBG,
I just read through some of your other threads to get more back story.

I don't think you are being "stupid" for taking the time to consider what's best. However you could probably safeguard yourself and D4"s financial future a bit by not leaving yourself wide open to financial problems.

You say she won't discuss things, but I assume you can text/ leave a message right? If i were in your sitch i would leave a voicemail (in an upbeat tone) that says you want to make sure her and D4 are well taken care of during this transition and that you'd love to hear how much she's going to need in the near future to help her get by. In the meantime get a new bank account for incoming checks for yourself and only keep limited funds in the joint account for her. I would tell her you'll be closing the credit card accounts by a certain date and to let you know if she needed you to extend it for any reason.

Let her reply and if need be try to negotiate a bit. Give her the sense that you want to help her while slowly reigning in her access to money.

Typically in a true walkway wife scenario I wouldn't offer so much financial help, but in your sitch since infidelity is involved I think you want to give her space and time to figure out how to forgive you.

[MrBond]

So let me get this straight. You cheated on your W which (since you say you're a counselor) is one of the most devastating things you can do to someone, and you're complaining because this is one of the consequences?

You reap what you sow. If you didn't want it to get to this point, you shouldn't have been messing around. I don't know what you're complaining about. Did you really think there wouldn't be any consequences to your actions? Your W is hurt and this is how she's dealing with it.

So you're still making this all about you?