“Take many things seriously – such as work and relationships – but none of them too seriously. No good thing absolutely has to exist in your life and no bad thing absolutely must disappear. Do the best that you can do to cope with frustrations and to improve your lot. But you cannot stem the tides and you cannot perform miracles.”
- Albert Ellis
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hi Pud. Thanks for stopping by on my thread. I’m just trying to catch up on your sitch. It says a lot about you as a Mom when your son can confide in you. I wish I had your patience and understanding when my son was 16. He also went through some tough times. We moved to another state before he started the high school and he didn’t have friends here at first. I was traveling for work almost all the time and was not there for him sometimes. My H was a very strict parent (step Dad). My son was a rebellious teenager and wanted to test and try everything himself.
I’ve getting the same compliments about me looking happy and glowing. Good for you!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you so much Bright. Several people have validated me on here about being a good mom and that means the world to me. Especially when you never know if you are doing the right thing with teenagers!
Any advice on anything I have posted is much appreciated. I have a long post here ;), since I was here back in '06.<--that still blows me away that I am back here again. But obviously I still have much to learn and darnit, this time I will make it stick.
I think part of the hard thing for me after our last reconciliation is that I felt like I was always had to treat my H as another son, because he acted that way! He was trying to be more of a buddy than a father and appeared to have a bit of fear of old age. So I'm sure he is still mlc'ing but I need to learn to treat him better regardless of how he is acting or what he is going through. I can't just assume he knows how to act in every situation. I think I had that expectation of him too, I thought he was wise for his age when I married him and I always thought that. Then when he never appeared to grow out of that it was weird.
Wow, thanks for getting me to talk Bright! LOL, didn't realize I had so much to say today.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
So, on my way home from work, H calls. He says I just wanted to let you know I'll be late coming home tonight.
What I wanted to say: -Do what you need to do. I'm not your mom. -At someone's beck and call? Better get running! -Why did you call to tell me? Do you think I care? <--this one scares me because it feels like apathy, instead of hate, is setting in... -You should say you'll be late coming to MY house, because it's definitely not a home.
What I said: -Okay.
Was he looking for a reaction?
Then he proceeded to ask if I'd heard from S today. He sounded really worried and said I tried and tried to reach him.
I said: Well, more than likely his phone died. And he is a teenager. and I chuckled.
H kept going on about how S wouldn't answer, blah, blah, blah.
I cut the convo short and said: Be safe. Bye, and hung up.
I really feel like I am starting to just not care about him at all because he is really not the person I want right now. While I haven't been there for him for the last two years, I feel like he has been gone longer than that, almost back to when we reconciled 6 years ago. I feel like I didn't have him fully back yet. It's been a lonely 6 years.
Halloween is one of my fave holidays and I remember how hard I tried every year to get him to dress up. He was embarrassed to dress up, like he couldn't make fun of himself for one night. I even said well you can wear very simple things and it was hard to even get him to wear a t-shirt with something on it. He only wanted me to dress up in a costume, or dress up in some lingerie stuff. It wasn't very fun for me when he wouldn't participate. He has been angry, critical and depressed the last 6 years. But he won't admit ever that anything was wrong. He is part of what created my depression. I know this will sound like I am blaming him for everything, but I am not. Analyzing him a bit helps me to remember the situations that caused contention and how I reacted or treated him. It's all in an effort to make my self a better person and how I treat people. Truly it is, I want it to really stick this time. I want to be wise and wonderful.
Last night, my two dogs, my S and I were all in my room watching a show on tv. I think my H felt left out because he came up twice for some odd reasons, here and there, to check on us. I didn't ask the dogs to come up and I didn't ask my S to join me, they just did. I think they all feel more comfortable around me than H. They feel it.
My S still has not talked to my H about what he told me the other night. I told him to do it when he was ready and he says he just feels like he can't right now. My H was all over me the day before asking about what S had said and if he was ok, and if he needed to be concerned. I finally told him that S had told me something and asked that I not say anything yet and that he would tell H when he was ready so just give him some time, and I needed to respect his privacy. My H responded "Absolutely!" so I know he understood that and we kind of left the convo at that. But when did he start growing a set of morals? At least he is that way with S, so I know it's there even if buried deep.
Is making my H feel left out only going to drive him away further?
And again, I almost don't care. Is that a normal step in detaching?
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Pud, I have had to ask my boys to hang out with their dad when h is here. Probably shouldn't. But h won't engage them. H will watch tv, while both boys are on computer. I make the boys eat dinner togather with me. I tell them to find a show we can watch together. I said we are not just individuals living under one roof. we are a family and I expect some family time. My boys are much more open with me than h.our boys know we are there for them
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Pud - I've actually started working through my costume options. There is a huge Halloweeny party I know W was invited to that my W even asked me if I was going to. I told her I was, but wasn't sure of my costume.
I honestly don't care if she goes - I'm going to go, and dress up, and have a good time. If she's there? I don't care. If she's not? I don't care.
It's about me having a good time. I LOVE it that you almost don't care! I think you're starting to tiptoe into that realm of "Hey, I'm gonna be OK".
Pud, I've sometimes got to practically drag my S13 to the front door to say good-bye to his dad when he leaves after his weekly visit. Glad you've got a good relationship with your son. I doubt mine would have had the same conversation with H as he had with me - seems one of his school mates gave him a website to look up, but my son actually asked me if I'd heard of it before he went and looked it up. Good job too, totally inappropriate for a 13 year old. I complimented him on being sensible enough to check with me first (after checking the browser history of course), and then immediately upgraded the parental controls.
S13 still wants to trick or treat this year. He's been told that he's really too old to go, but as he'll be with a group of friends, I'm letting him go this last time. I've got to come up with a costume for myself as well - we do a Halloween potluck at work, including a costume competition. H hasn't dressed up for the costume party they run at the bar he works out in all the time he's worked there - don't know if he will this year, and I don't really care either.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
What I wanted to say: -Do what you need to do. I'm not your mom. -At someone's beck and call? Better get running! -Why did you call to tell me? Do you think I care? <--this one scares me because it feels like apathy, instead of hate, is setting in... -You should say you'll be late coming to MY house, because it's definitely not a home.
Lots of unpleasant emotions bubbling up there. I hear anger, frustration and resentment. That tells me your detachment is not there yet. I'm glad you resisted saying those things to your H, but he will sense the emotions behind them. You need to be showing him detachment, independence and PMA instead.
Quote:
I really feel like I am starting to just not care about him at all because he is really not the person I want right now.
Many of us go through a phase where we convince ourselves that we're detached and don't care anymore. But the way to tell if you really are detached is this- no matter what your H says or does, are you able to maintain your PMA without even thinking about it? IE, nothing he says or does really affects you? I'm not sure it's even possible to detach when you're under the same roof, I know I never could have.
