Newcomer here, first post. As ive noticed newcomers are on moderation so i shall keep the posts short. Just a brief intro, ive been married 8 years, together 11, im 31, H 30, we have 3 kids ages 4,5 & 8. This is my second experience with infidelity (H, not me) and recently found out that there has been more than 2 affairs. My T recommended me the DR Book and directed me to this website. Thanks in advance forall your support and i'll be posting more soon.
Sorry to find you here but this is an awesome place to discover yourself and what you want.
My H is having a second affair as well, and it never feels just as awful as it did the first time. But we need to work on ourselves first before any other improvements follow.
Post lots here, even if to get thoughts out of your head. People will be blunt at times, but it helps you to see where you are stuck.
Wishing you the best, Pud
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hello! You will be on moderation for a while, but please don't hold back on telling us about your sitch. It's hard to offer support and advice if we know little about what's going on. Are you here because you're thinking about leaving your H, or because he may be leaving you?
Thanks for all your prompt replies and kudos to mod for approving my posts this fast. I agree with pudmuddle, it definitely is easier to handle the second time round but the recurring affairs did make me sit down and take a real good look at our marriage. I reached a point where i accepted that despite both of us contributing to problems, only i was i control of changing myself in order to determine a different outcome.
And so i did some soul searching and embarked on some major 180s. I began seeing a T and after a few sessions, he recommended DR to me. (Which leads me here). Id also been doing some research on bpd (borderline personality disorder) which i think my H may be suffering from, id always known he had mood and depression issues, and reading more about this disorder helped me to handle things better. Id joined a psych forum which has provided good support but naturally its geared towards the disorder aspect of things and not the remedying of the relationship. If i may, id like to post a link here so u can get gain a better insight of my sitch.
Minus the shame and suicidal moods, his flight mode seems to echo WAS too. Ive tried my best to outline my goals and solution oriented actions and started the solutions journal. I read somewhere that it is in fact a "divorce", you're divorcing your old marriage and starting a new one , only with the sams person. I am all for this, in no way do i want to go back to the same dynamic we've had for 10 years (yes it has been that long, even early on our dating R, ive already noted these cycles).
Yesterday was not good. We had lunch and he had an issue with my outfit (H is extremely picky about modesty, and by the way, on average, i am not overly immodest in my choice of attire). Anyhow that led to hours of low blow txt comments. I tried to validate his anger but disengage from the content of the txts. I let him know that they were hurtful, rude, disrespectful (all in a positive boundary setting way for myself). Then i proceeded to take the kids out for tea and nicely invited him along (to which he said no). I had a nice time, did some shopping. And the txts did keep coming. I ignored them.
H then decided to have dinner out himself, said he was going for a drive and ended up drinking with friends. I wrote my 1st post , scoured this site a bit and went to bed. 1.49am, H txts me, there'd been an accident (his friend) and he needed me to get him cos he was too drunk. So like a good wife, im there to help him out of his mess. H then thanks me and starts to be affectionate. I reminded him that comments made today has been unacceptable and things are not just magically OK when he decides they are. We ride home and go to bed.
Did i do right? And more importantly, thoughts that ive been having , "when is enough, enough?"
My take is that he is trying to egg you on, to see how much he can push your buttons, to have you react strongly and then he can continue to blame you for all things gone wrong. You did well validating then ignoring his mean texts.
I too, had to sit back and really examine what I was continuing to do after his first affair. It ain't easy, but I don't ever want to be there again, so the struggle now is worth it and will be in the end.
I personally wouldn't have picked him up (ok I probably woulda ), but I think you did great at detaching from him while he was trying to again push your buttons with drunk speak. He is in a very confused state right now and wants to see what is acceptable. Don't fall for it.
We all have those thoughts of when is enough, enough. It's part of the process of figuring out yourself and growing and changing. Might seem like an easier option, but really just introduces a whole new set of issues. You will know when you are ready, but give yourself a chance to grow and change first.
Good luck lbp.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Whenever the question "when is enough enough" the answer almost always is "you'll know"
This time it's taken him 1.5 weeks of being home to decide to move out again. If anyone had read my posts o the psych forum, you may understand this cycle I'm referring to. I want it to end. It plays emotional havoc within me.
All the blame directed at me, when I'm wrong I'm wrong,even when I'm right I'm wrong. Everything is my fault... Really? H calls me superwoman, hates that I'm a superwoman, and yet if I can't depend on this superwoman facade sometimes, how else would I be able to handle his whims? H says I should be more of a woman, more vulnerable. But when I am, showing get him the painful hurt little girl that I feel inside, I get shot down And naturally, the superwoman masks comes on. To be vulnerable with H is a painful place to be. To be superwoman is not who I want to be.
I feel that swallowing everything going and denying how I feel just to cater to his emotional needs is eating me up. My defence was to wall up for 10 years and we both know it's led us nowhere. I refuse to be that person anymore. I want to knock the walls down knowing there's a safe place on the other side, knowing that there'd be no sudden attacks.
I've been consciously trying to work on this (for myself) the last 5 months, challenging myself to ride the waves and grin through the attacks. That worked in pulling H back to reconsider reconciliation. These times have brought me through rediscovering myself, mental, emotional and physical pain and ending up in a better place.
I am not angry, or upset at his decision to leave again. Conversely, I have become aware of how I am and what I need to be in order to be the wife he wants and I stand firm now that that is not the kind of love I want. I think db-ing concept of "one to tango" works, however when one partner has certain issues which may require professional help, there really are circumstances where it needs "2 to tango".
I am staying positive and GAL-ING. I'm taking care of myself in order to take care of my kids and I must really let him take care of himself. I no longer want to play the role of the superwoman.
I hope this post gets approved soon. And thanks for the support
