Hmmm...thanks job, very interesting way to look at it. I will have to give that some thought about what might've triggered this again. I really don't know what might have been the trigger at this point. I'll do scan my memory banks (which are shot all to heck right now).
Thank you for that keen insight.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Pudmuddle. So sorry to hear you are in this place again, too!
Right now, I am in a really bad place. After a lot of thinking (yeah, my brain is mush, too), I came to realize that I let him manipulate me into using business funds to set up his "love nest" in India.
On the surface, it seemed logical to get an apartment over there since he was there so often - it would be cheaper than the hotels. Then, there was the car and the furnishings for the apartment. When setting up the factory over there, there were a lot of expenses and he would give me invoices with inflated charges so he could put away money over there "for us." (His partner over there was complicit in that little scam.) He would take large amounts of cash with him on each trip, telling me it was for machinery and expenses. All told, he has bled about $100,000 out of the company this year to set up his new life.
I feel like such a fool. I let myself be manipulated by him, knowing full well his history.
He sends me emails telling me how much he wants me in his life and then later in the day, our employee will get a picture of H and the OW all snuggled up on the couch.
But, I am muddling through. I think I have protected the business and I had my first session with a therapist this week. She mentioned a good friend who was a divorce attorney, but I didn't get the name. I'll have to get that so I can get advice on how to protect the company assets legally.
I have made it clear that I will not let him treat me like he did before and that I want to move on with my life (my boundary). I told him to just go do whatever it is that makes him happy.
Since then, I haven't heard a word from him. (All of our contact is through email since he is in India.) Guess he's going dark on me??? Or maybe figuring out how to get control back???
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I have given a lot of thought to what happened 18 to 24 months ago that could have triggered this.
His blood pressure went sky high. The doctor's said he was a walking dead man and that the only reason he wasn't dead was the daily aspirin.
He started taking blood pressure meds and those can affect sexual performance. He was very frustrated with that and I tried to be as understanding and loving as possible, but I know that is a big deal to a man.
His mother had a severe stroke in her early 50's and that may be a factor.
He brought his brother into the company about 6 weeks ago (his brother has never worked in this industry, but he is learning) and has told him on several occasions that if something happened to him, he wanted the company to stay in the family.
I get the feeling that he is trying to "live it up" while he can.
I get that, but his behavior, severe stress over this factory, heavy drinking, lack of sleep, late hours partying, etc. is actually self destructive. I don't get that part.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I have lived in fear for the past 7 years that this would happen again. I have done everything I can to make sure he is happy at home, help him build his business, etc. Yet, he seems to be repeating the same pattern. I can't say that I am totally shocked at what is happening now, but I did everything I could think to avoid it.
Hello 2T2M- I know the fear you are talking about. I have been at this about the same amount of time you have except my H is now my XH. He left 6 1/2 years ago, came back 3 years ago, left again 1 1/2 years ago and now he wants back into my life again. There is a part of me that wants to give him another chance but I keep thinking now fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me. When he came back the previous time, it started out ok but eventually I felt like everything was on his terms and I was alone even when we were still together. I was afraid he might leave again but kept thinking things would get better. When he walked out the door, I was done...and now he's back again...I think! So, I'm currently in the process of trying to figure out if he is now more like the man I married or still the alien. Even if he proves himself to be more like the old H, I'm sure I will struggle with trust issues.
If your H having a new MLC, a continuation of the past MLC or just bad character, does it change anything? It sounds like you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself, financially and emotionally. Now just focus on yourself and see what happens. I wish you much strength and lots of luck.
When H said he wanted to stay married, I never felt he was really dedicated to making it work. I always felt that I had taken a back seat to other things - like the business. I spent so many evenings just sitting at home waiting on him, hoping for some conversation or something. I came to feel like we were just roommates with benefits.
And, like you I feel like I am done. But, I see a loved one "in trouble" for lack of a better way to put it and my instinct is to reach out and help. But, on the other hand, I am so angry about having to go through this again, that I just want to hurt him back. I am just so torn. I cannot imagine going through that a third time. Please know that my prayers are with you.
Like you, I just don't see how I can ever trust him to not do this again.
All I know at this point, is that I -- we -- have to figure out what is best for us and move forward from there. I love him and I am assuming that you love your H, but at what point do you just say enough is enough.
It's funny - that old saying - fool me once .... has gone through my mind many times during the last few weeks.
I hope you find the direction that you need to do what it is best for you.
Thanks for your support.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Well, he stayed out of touch for days. Some employees tried to contact him re business issues and he didn't reply to anyone on Friday. He had told me he was working on his "letter" to me and to give him a few days, which I suppose was code for he will be out of touch. I didn't expect him to ignore our staff, too.
Based on the airline website stuff, I suspect he was on a getaway with OW this weekend.
(Some of my posts have not been put on the board yet, so I don't remember if I mentioned that I had sent him an email telling him that I couldn't deal with all of this again and am moving on and told him to do the same.)
Anyway, today I get an email saying he is trying to decide what to do with the business in India - keep it going or shut it down. He says that he knows if he continues to go to India, we can never rebuild ... wants to talk things over with me ... says he loves me and cares for me .....
He insists he is there for business and nothing else. I am actually beginning to think that he has convinced himself that OW is not a factor for him being there --- when I know through my "mole" that she is practically living with him.
I replied that if he had decisions to make about the operation over there, that the decisions were entirely up to him ... that I cannot help with that and told him to do what he thinks is best. No way I would let him put me in a position that he could someday blame me for that failing.
I am doing okay. Although I would like to save the marriage, telling him to move on seems to have helped me get to a stage of being able to accept that he may just do that. I am also doing a better job of remaining calm and not jumping at any little sign that he may be taking peeks out of the fog. In some respects I am glad he is half a world away. Although I think about all this a lot, I am not in the eye of the storm and am grateful that there isn't daily drama here at home.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
