I am a low desire hubby, 2 things, have affected me. 1) She gain a lot of weight, and somewhere in her 40's her sex drive went way up. And sex became work, we did not know how to fix it. So it just got worse.
We went from once a week, to every 2-3 weeks, I just plain did not know how to fix it, nor did I have the relationship skills I have since learned. I was not nuturing or did I know her LL. I believe had I knowed how to fill her love tank sex would not have been an Issue.
I did do a idiot thing, on occasion I use denial of sex to get back at her for something stupid.
I don't think you can fix it without help, I think MC is called for.
Thanks Poe. My H knows my LL well and fills up my love tank just fine but sex will still become an issue when it becomes work as you put it or a mere fulfillment of an obligation. For me, it is not a matter of frequency but rather the willingness and the desire on H's part. LH
waitandsee, If you read some of the posts by the Hs in this sitch you will see the pain and the hurt. It will give you something to work on with your M and coming to terms with the A. LH
"Talk" to me if you need to about H's A. It helps to speak about it and get it out of your system. I can tell you that you may be able to forgive but you will never forget it.
I'm so glad you found this site before your problems became marriage-threating!!
H and I together 11 years/married 3/10 month old son. H had affair while I was pregnant/separated when son 5 months old. We had not had sex since we realised I was pregnant. H did not want to as he felt it was not right. If I'm honest though the lack of sex was a problem WAY before that. I thought H was not interested and I think H thought I was not interested.
Anyway Luvhubby sorry to hyjack your thread, its just that I came accross it and it started me thinking. Maybe I should post on this forum, it may answer some questions.
I hope it helps you and your H, I know I have had lots of support and advice over on Newcomers
Here's an update on my sitch for anyone who cares to listen. Soon after I started posting here, one morning I just completely broke down and hollered (not cried but hollered) about how miserable I felt about the lack of intimacy in our M. H told me that I was overeacting and I said No, I have been patient for so long now, why don't you at least talk to me, or at least let me know that you're trying to work on this, like read what I have given you (Chapter 1) for instance?
So H said ok, we'll talk but what he did the next morning instead of talking was to end the drought of 20 months. He was very quick about it and hurt me a little too as I wasn't even ready yet. I had mixed feelings. Of course I felt such joy to be close to him again but it appeared to me as though he was just performing a duty, responsibility or obligation, as though he was saying ok so you want it so much, I'll give it to you so you can stop bugging me about it. But of course I dare not tell him that he hurt me etc just in case that would turn him off me forever. I only told him how happy I was to be close to him again (which is the truth anyway) and that I would save the morning in my mind for use when he is too busy for me. And it was on my mind too for the whole week.
The following week, I initiated and H was responsive and I was glowing. Now its the 3rd week and I'm feeling lost. We had a stupid argument this morning about some insignificant thing like what to eat and it made me very unhappy because whenever I feel unhappy I always think about this unresolved problem that I keep pushing aside into a little corner of my mind. I feel lost now. H still doesn't talk to me. I don't know whats on his mind and I'm no mind reader. Is H interested again or not? What do I do now? What do I say? I dare not bring up the subject again since it looks like he's trying. Where do I go from here?
Thank you so much for offering to "talk." I posted on the newcomers' forum under "please help with next step." I'm still working on that next step and hopefully, I'll be able to post an update soon.
I'm no expert but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't talk to H again about this touchy subject. I'd leave it for now and see what happens in the next few days. I was wondering if you've read DB or DR? It'd probably help you with techniques to approach bumps in your marriage. I wish I had read these books way before my situation got this bad.
I saw your post too late. You see, I couldn't keep my big mouth shut and spoke to H again. That of course has only made things worse. Now I have pushed us into a corner of my own creation. There are no other issues in my M other than this. So I no longer have any other alternative but to try and meet H in7 his comfortable zone. I need verbal and pysical expression of love in order to feel loved but I have to learn not to be this way and concentrate on other good things that H does for me instead. I hope for both our sakes and for the sake of our baby that I succeed. Wish me luck please, I need it very much right now.
I was rereading your first post on this thread and you mentioned your daughter was 11 months old. I guess her birthday is coming up?
I was wondering if you've gone through the goal setting described in Chapter 4 of SSM. This might help you, along with identifying your more-of-the-same behavior and then doing something different. I am like you-- I need verbal and physical expressions of love to feel loved but do we have to learn not to be this way? I think there's a way to make your needs known and have them met somehow. I haven't figured this out yet though. I'm hoping that in the process of dealing with H's A, these issues will eventually come up.
Hang in there. Let's wait for more replies to your post.
