Forgot to mention, W was REAL flirty with me, came up behind me and pushed her boobs in my back, and giggled. I put my arm around and squeezed her butt, and she waggled her eyebrows at me. We watched some TV and I laid leaning on her with my hand in her leg, and she just laughed at the show with me.
Now its later, and maybe this is normal WAS script, but she started texting that this was all so we could be friends so the kids could hang out, but she didn't think we could be married, and she wasn't going to dismiss divorce. I told her that was something she should have said up front, and the physical contact, including kissing, was probably a little more than "friends". She said she didn't really enjoy any of it, and only kissed me for the milkshake. I was like, "That was a joke, I wouldn't have made you do that!"
I got mad. I felt like I had been used the whole day. I did some R talk about her needing to figure some crap out, and that you don't get to divorce and still get buddies to make yourself feel better. Bleah. Two steps forward, three steps back.
What I should've remembered had I been wearing DB hat, is that three days of almost completely positive interaction is HUGE. I should also have remembered that W wanting to be friends, even if she says it's for divorce, is a giant window of opportunity. And finally, a kiss, after 6 weeks of nothing, is a big intimacy step even if W says it was about a milkshake.
Lessons learned. I'll probably need a week or two of dim just to get W back to speaking, but that's my fault for being a dummy.
I apologized to W for outburst, told her that maybe we just bit off more time together than we were ready for after all we've been going through, and I appreciated her efforts at civility.
And as a reminder to myself:
Going dim (Wednesday only and even then minimal) for foreseeable future. Every single time it has resulted in W pursuing, and every time she has responded more positively or gone further. I know it isn't full dark and that's ok.
Jon... She is playing you. Remember believe nothing she says and 50% of what she does.
In the moment control (I know it is easier said than done) is what you need. Try acting as if you don't care in the moment... Keep going. You'll be fine
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
JonF, Those are WAS crumbs. You DON'T WANT crumbs. I got that very early on and it turns out as disappointments.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
If W invites for coffee, etc, but there's no commitment to marriage is it useless? Is it the rule of accept some, but not all? I sorta feel like it's giving her cake and letting her eat it too. She gets to be buddies with me, and kids get to hang, so its like "Divorce ain't so bad!"
Dunno. Part of me really thinks after our hearing at 11:30, it needs to be very very dim. It would be good timing - outside of the little blip at the end, we had a great time just talking on Friday, she sought me out Friday night, Saturday night the kids had fun, and last night we hung out and watched TV and laughed and joked, kissed, etc. I'm honestly not surprised she wigged out a little and tried to act like it was all crap; I've seen that many times on here.
So now she really has something to compare - good times with us, and if I go permanently dim, what it will be like after divorce.
It seems to me nothing will ever change until W walks in and says, "I'm ready to work on the marriage." The question is does the dim help that, or the friendly conversations with no pressure? Or both?
Staying dim seems to be working for you. Having conversations other than R talk is ok.
Originally Posted By: JonF
It seems to me nothing will ever change until W walks in and says, "I'm ready to work on the marriage."
Yep, that's what i've read here. They have to want it first.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Read your posts. She is playing you. You are like a lost puppy. The moment she "lets you" come over to help her, you fall all over yourself.
You need to man up and cut her off. Turn her down for a change. It doesn't sound like you've ever said no. It probably appears to her that you still have no life. You are always available to her.
Basically you two still have the exact same love/hate relationship you've had during your M, but now you just sleep in different homes.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
