I would love to get info from everyone re: the OW/OM if applied. There has been one in my situation from the beginning. How did your H or W come to see that they are not the answer or solution? How did they end the relationship? How did the relationship dissolve? Was there anything you did to help the end of the relationship?
Together 12 yrs Married 8 yrs M: 31 H: 32 Bomb Drop: 4/2013
I read this post of yours about a week ago. I am sorry nobody has replied to you yet.
I think your question is a tough on because everyones situation is different and yet the same. I don't think there is any one trigger that will make the MLC/WAS leave OM/OW. There are too many variables that go into our R. They all will have similarities though.
As far as doing something to help end their relationship with OM/OW, start with these,
GAL 180's AsIf's Get yourself in shape by eating right and exercising. Sleep and rest Stay busy doing things for your self Become the person your spouse would be a fool to leave.
the bottom line is that your S fell in love with you before. Now she has fallen out of love with you. She has demonstrated that she can change her mind and she can change it back. She can choose to love you again. It is her choice though, not yours. All you can do is to be a person that she would want to be around again.
There are no guarantees though. That is why you must change yourself. You only have control over one person in this life and that is yourself. don't worry about her for now. Worry about you and go find what makes you happy. Then go do it. TODAY!!! Not tomorrow.
Fully agree with BKS, there is no secret answer. And I am sure there are many of us who wish there was an answer. Improve yourself, that's it. Fix things that were broken about you. Be the best person you can be. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. Everything will take time, lots of it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
There are really two schools of thought about what to do in an OM/OW situation. The consensus seems to be that you can't really do anything to improve your relationship while OP is present, because they are absorbing all your WAS' emotional energy and are generally pitted against you were you are bad and the OP is good.
Here are the two approaches:
1) The "Other" Approach (non-DB): This approach says that you widely publicize the affair. You tell your family, your spouse's family, members of the church if you belong to one, etc. etc. The theory is that taking away the secrecy takes away a lot of the excitement and attraction, and that the public scorn generally makes it harder for them to go out and enjoy themselves / social pressure may help things end sooner.
2) The DB Approach: The DB approach is really to NOT tell anyone about it because doing so will (a) make your spouse resent you more than they already do, (b) push WAS and OP closer together in an "us versus the world" sense, and (c) further solidify you and your spouse as being at odds. The DB approach is to work on yourself, be the most attractive spouse you can be, and simply wait for the affair to run it's course, while creating and defending adequate boundaries to protect yourself.
Unfortunately, there is precious little scientific data on which approach is better because it's pretty much impossible to collect since there are so many variables. Personally, I do believe a WAS generally leaves the relationship with a TON of resentment, and doing anything to make them resent you more is just digging your hole even deeper.
The other thing to consider is cake-eating. There seem to be two general categories of OP situations (1) the WAS is "done" and can't wait to move out and threatens immediate divorce, and (2) the cake-eater who stays at home, continues to have sex with their spouse, runs hot and cold, and claims to be undecided about how to go forward.
In the first case I don't think publicizing is a good idea at all. In the second case, there's something to be said for forcing a crisis to get the WAS off the fence because you should never allow yourself to be a second choice. The Dobson book talks about this and driving things to a crisis where the WAS says "no more cake eating" from a position of strength -- i.e. "I won't be in an open marriage, if you want to date OP you will not also be involved with me"
Once again, no data on how effective that is in isolation, but it is generally not a good idea, in my opinion, to tolerate ongoing cake eating.
Hope that helps.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
