Well, S23 left for Colorado last night. One the one hand, I'm so happy for him. He's spreading his wings and taking flight, off to a new, brighter future in a place he wants to be. I'm very proud of him, and the wonderful, thoughtful, talented young man that he has become.
S23 is now in Colorado, and he's loving it! I'm so happy for him, and that has gone a long way toward easing the pain of having him so far away.
H is still playing his forward-then-retreat games; I am not going to participate.
Money is starting to be an issue. He is taking more, while continuing to insist he wants me to have it all. Maybe he is discovering that he has more expenses than he initially thought. I asked him if he would figure out what his monthly expenses are so that I can readjust my budget, but that has not been forthcoming thus far. This last money handover was a nightmare. It was doled out in pieces over the past two weeks. I just got the last of it in the bank, and it's already time for the next one. Reason? Well, it seems Dishrag is now paying him under the table to avoid payroll taxes, so she can keep her dying business open just a little longer. So he has had to get cash from her and the restaurant a little at a time. Unfortunately, I can't pay the rental company in bits and pieces, so something is going to have to change.
I've thought about putting in-home separation on the table. It would be better for us financially, and he would get to spend more time with his son.
No, I haven't talked with a L yet, but I've given that a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks.
And, believe me, I'm weighing the pros and cons of in-home separation. It's not something I take lightly. I do believe that I am in a place where I can keep my expectations at zero. Of course, what I believe and what would be reality may well turn out to be very different. It is an option, however. One that we may need to consider.
Trying to keep busy - not hard to do these days! There's a lot going on in pwland, lol!
Doing some cleaning and organizing this morning while S sleeps in, then we're going get outside, and later we're seeing 12 Years a Slave.
Tomorrow, S has a counseling session with a new therapist. The medication has finally evened out - he was experiencing some stomach aches and general ooginess for the few couple of weeks, but doc said that was normal.
I'm also opening a new bank account in my name only, and that's where I'll be putting most of the money. I'll leave H enough in the joint account to take care of his expenses (what little there actually are).
Starting to get some decorations for the holidays. In the past, we've always just had a tree and a wreath on the front door. Not this year! I'm doing the house up big time - want to make this season as warm and festive as I can. S and I really need that, I think.
As for H, who knows - he had a big job interview Friday, and said we would get together to discuss finances as soon as he got back. Haven't heard a peep. Whatever. He can stay in lalaland all he wants - I'm taking back my power.
Have an exploratory mtg with a L. It's often very helpful and can be calming.
That's in the works, too. How soon is going to depend on what kind of free consultation I can get. Right now, S's depression treatment is priority number one, and I can only afford so much.
S had first session with new therapist, and it went so well! I couldn't believe the difference between the before and after. He went in there down, nervous and just not wanting to be there. He came out smiling(!), and happy to set an appointment for another session. As we walked back to the car, he gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you." That felt tremendous.
I also opened a bank account in my name only, which also felt pretty tremendous. It felt like a big step in the detachment process. I wasn't sad or anxious - it felt rather liberating, tbh.
H interviewed for a job at a new restaurant opening in Savannah. Said it went really well. It's a company that owns several restaurants in the Lowcountry area (Charleston, Pawley's Island, etc), so even if he doesn't end up with the position at that particular restaurant, there is a strong likelihood that he could get a position at one of the others. This also did not send me into a screaming panic. While I do still believe in this marriage, I know the best thing for me to do is let go, move forward, and let him deal with his MLC.
Feeling angry today. Nothing set it off, H didn't do or say anything - my switch just flipped to "cranky", I suppose.
I'm finding myself railing at the unfairness and injustice of it all today. H and I made a commitment to each other. We were supposed to be partners, a team, a united front. There are two people in this marriage, and four people in this family. So, how is it that HE gets to make this huge, unilateral decision that affects ALL of us? Why is it that we haven't sat down and talked, REALLY talked, about what happened, and discuss things like normal, sane, rational adults? Why all this avoidance? I know, I know - midlife crisis, blah blah blah, he's not sane and rational, blah blah blah, he can't face things, blah blah blah. I'm just so sick of being in the dark, and I am so sick of his selfish behavior, and inability to be an adult, changing the course of our lives. Bleh.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day, and I guess we're all allowed to put our crankypants on every now and again. Plus, I have a day of hiking in the mountains with S this weekend to look forward to!
