My story is fairly long so I'll put some of it out there and go from there.
In Sept. of 2012 my H of 23 years told me I love you but I'm not sure if I'm “In Love” with you. He wanted to separate. I asked him if there was someone else and he said “no”, it would be easier if he could say there was but that was not the case and he wasn't looking for someone else. He said it's not about sex, that I was enough sex for him, he just wants to be alone. He doesn't know who he is and he needs time to find himself. We have been married for 23 years and together for 30 years. He is 54 and I am 51. We have a D27 and S25.
Our marriage was good, not much conflict. We built our house together in 1997. We did things together as a family and separately just the two of us. We enjoyed many activities together ie: scuba diving, dirt bike riding, hiking, and trips to Hawaii. We were best friends. Our relationship was envied by friends and family.
Stressors in our life: In late 2004 our D(19 at the time) was involved in a serious car accident. She was in the hospital for a week and had several surgeries and months of rehabilitation after being released.
In 2005 my H was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. We discussed his options as a couple and decided he would undergo a 52 week treatment. He continued working throughout his treatment, despite the fact there were days that he felt terrible.
In Oct. 2008 I was laid off from my job of 7 years as the company was closing it's doors. The company my H worked for had just lost their secretary and needed several people to come in and maintain her various duties until they found someone to fill her position. I commuted to work with my H for a year until the position was filled and then I was again laid off. I began collecting unemployment and stayed home working on various home improvement projects.While I was now around our house during the day I noticed that our home was being damaged inside and out by our neighbors horse corrals and the dust cloud that would surround our house several times a day. That started us on a three year ordeal trying to get help from our county to stop the problem.
I was also starting menopause and started feeling insecure about myself. I felt that my H was not interested in me anymore. I accused him once of wanting to be with someone else. Not of actually committing adultery but wanting to. He didn't do or say anything to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. I would have felt a lot better if he had, since I was never an insecure person before menopause.
In 2009 my H was laid off from his job of 18 years. He said he was happy and relieved as it was a very busy and stressful office. He went on unemployment as well and then started participating in the efforts to stop the destruction of our home and property.
In early 2011 My H and I were offered a job to move to the coast and fix up and old house for a relative. We accepted and moved mid year. Our S23 remained in the family home when we left. We were enjoying our new found space together. The first time living without our kids, no problems with our neighbors. We were exploring our new surroundings, walking hand in hand on the beach, collecting sea shells, eating at local restaurants and walking in the redwoods. Loving our “just us” time together.
We were put in contact with various construction companies and subcontractors and met a lot of new people. We met a woman through a construction company (H's age) that visited us occasionally. While she and I were talking one day she told me that she wasn't going to try and steal my H from me. I found that very strange for someone to just come out and say that. That started me feeling insecure again. When I told my H what she had said to me, he said “That she was probably just being honest”. He said but “You're outta here”. He wanted a separation and wanted me to move back home. At that time we had been at the coast for a little over a year. I stayed on the coast with him for several days after he told me he wanted a separation and we talked. The first day I did everything wrong. I cried, begged and pleaded for him not to do this to us and our family. I begged for a second chance since nothing like this had ever happened in our R before. I asked if we could go to counseling. He said “no”. Then finally I told him if this is what he wanted I would leave and give him the space he was asking for. He said that he was sorry and that he would always love me and we would always be friends and always be family. He wanted to be alone. We agreed not to take any legal action for a year unless I felt that I needed to, to get through this. I asked him if this meant that we were free to have sex with other people, and he said yes. He's not looking for that but if it happens then it happens. I packed my stuff and left. He called our S and told S that I was on my way home (4.5 Hr. drive) because we had gotten into a fight. He called D and told her the same thing. He called his brother and told him that we were taking a break.
Were we just having too much together time or did my menopausal insecurities push him over the edge?
I'm in the process of reading DB and will be reading DR next. My H is living 200 miles away from me and I'm not sure how to apply any of the DB skills with this kind of separation. We are basically at NC. I haven't spoken to him since the end of May. I need some guidance. Any comments are very appreciated. _________________________ M-51 H-54 D-27 S-25 M-23 years T-30 years BD-9/17/12 sep-9/19/12
M-51 H-54 D-28 S-25 M-23 years T-30 years BD-9/17/12 sep-9/19/12 husband living alone 4 hrs. away poss.OW discovered 6/13
Hi, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it must be very painful. There is not a simple answer that caused the relationship to go off track, as there usually long term underlying issues that haven't been addressed, and solutions that weren't discussed. This is where talking to a DB coach would be extremely insightful and help you come up with a plan of how to go forward. I would look forward to discussing this with you further. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Were we just having too much together time or did my menopausal insecurities push him over the edge?
You will never get an answer to this because even your H probably doesn't know why he's doing this. Most of the time WAS's are taken over by their emotions, they say and do things that seem completely out of character with the person you thought you knew. They may seem calm and collected on the outside, but inside there's a lot of turmoil and confusion swirling around.
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My H is living 200 miles away from me and I'm not sure how to apply any of the DB skills with this kind of separation. We are basically at NC. I haven't spoken to him since the end of May.
There have been some other sitches on these forums in which people were dealing with long-distance separations like yours, and I know at least one of them eventually reconciled. Time and space does tend to heal a lot of issues. Just work on yourself. Even though you don't see him, if you get out and GAL (get a life) and make yourself happy and more attractive, word WILL get back to him that you're looking good and having fun, and he may become curious and reach out to you.
Thank you Karen & AS for your responses. I am working on GAL and to be as happy as I can under the circumstances. I actually lost too much weight where for once I had to try and put some back on. LOL Being in the home that we built together and surrounded by his stuff is so difficult.
It's so hard to get him off of my mind. A 30 year attachment is still hard to break after a year of separation.
M-51 H-54 D-28 S-25 M-23 years T-30 years BD-9/17/12 sep-9/19/12 husband living alone 4 hrs. away poss.OW discovered 6/13
This Thanksgiving was the first we've spent apart in 30 years. Our D28 flew to town H is living in for Thanksgiving with her Dad. As far as I know it was just the 2 of them. I don't think D would tell me if she was introduced to OP. I've been dark for over 6 months. No communication whatsoever. With Christmas approaching I decided to break the no contact and I called H and invited him to join us for Christmas day since D will fly home to spend Christmas with myself and S25. He said that sounds good. We were newly separated last Christmas but H came home and spent it with the family and looks like he will do the same this year. So funny, I feel so nervous about the prospect of seeing him again. First chance at trying 180's, GAL and acting AS IF..
M-51 H-54 D-28 S-25 M-23 years T-30 years BD-9/17/12 sep-9/19/12 husband living alone 4 hrs. away poss.OW discovered 6/13
Just Venting: Well, He didn't show up. Told D to let me know he wasn't coming and that he was sick. Asked D to ask me if I would send him a copy of his Birth Cert. so he could get his passport to go fishing with some buddies. So not cool to ask D for something he wants from me. He's totally avoiding me. Still only contact in over 7 months was my call to him to invite him to spend Christmas with his family. Will mail the Christmas gift I got him and the Birth cert. he asked for. He's like a stranger, that I've known intimately for 30 years. Weird stuff!
M-51 H-54 D-28 S-25 M-23 years T-30 years BD-9/17/12 sep-9/19/12 husband living alone 4 hrs. away poss.OW discovered 6/13
