Suckerpunch (the process)

[swoop]

It has been quite some time since I have posted. I have been bound and determined to GAL and move on, and I have been doing just that...busy busy busy!. The divorce process is undergoing. I have chose not to pay much attention to it, more or less sticking my fingers in my ears and saying, "lalalala". I have been going out a lot and meeting lots of new people. The weeks I have daughter, I am stuck like glue to her. I have not had her with a babysitter even once. My time with daughter is very precious to me, more so than it has ever been.

My interactions with Wife have been very business like. I am cordial and obliging, but far from friendly. I have few words to share with her. I have tried to be considerate of all her requests, and the fact that she is moving on with her own life. She is now living, pretty much, full time at OM's house. He has been gifting my daughter and even threw her a "welcome home" party the last time she came home from her week long visit with me, complete with cake, candles, decorations and party hats. I really didn't know what to say when I found out about that, so I didn't say anything at all. He has also got her involved in BMX. She seems to really enjoy it. It hurts me deeply, but I realize that it's a positive for daughter and at least this guy is trying to make a connection with her. It could be much worse.

I have also been considering other relationships, even been on a few dates. On one hand I think I am ready, not for something serious or long term, but to at least re-enter the dating scene. I have whole heartedly realized that W isn't coming back, and even if she did wish to reconcile, I honestly don't think I could take her back. It has just gone past the point of saving the marriage. Too much damage has been done.

one thing that is bothering me, and I would like to ask for some advice. This last week, I have really felt a change in feelings for my wife once again. This is somewhat strange to me, because I have distanced myself so far from her that I don't really think that much about her anymore. This is something new that seemingly came out of nowhere. I am also starting to wake up in the middle of the night with her on my mind. I am starting to feel hatred towards her. This isn't the old feelings of hurt being turned into anger. I literally am starting to dislike her as a person. The reason being, she chose (whether anyone here agrees or not) to leave the relationship. She left me, abandoned me. She threw me out like yesterdays garbage. At least, that is how I feel. She also took my daughter from my life, half of the time and inserted her almost immediately into another persons world with new people, places and interactions. That really makes me dislike her, deep down. I am doing a great job of controlling my feelings towards her. I never speak a bad word. I don't act out in anger. I think everyone would be surprised to know how I am truly starting to feel about her. Is this normal? Is it necessarily a bad thing?

Here is another question. W sent me a text message tonight saying that she would like to pick daughter up from school on her B-day and spend time with her until 6pm. It is my day to have daughter, and I planned on having a B-day party for her, and I would need to get her and myself ready. I don't want to keep W from sharing time with her, but is that really a request I should honor, or should I simply tell her no?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Well I think the resentment is different for all of us, takes its own time to process. And ultimately our choice of when to forgive. I think holding on to that gives us some false strength to move on in our minds.

Its not really about moving on till we learn to forgive, ourselves as well as our spouses. But, we must learn to forgive ourselves first. The rest will fall into place. If you continue to hold on to that resentment, you'll soon find out you'll also be carrying it into future relationships. At least your admitting to yourself that your still hurt by the actions, that 90% of the battle. Its something you need to work on, in your own time.

As far at the B-day pickup. Be honest, you don't need to placate her anymore. If its your day, and you had plans, then just say you already made plans cause u knew it was your day. If you really want to attempt to honor her request, invite her to the birthday party. If she declines, its on her, not you. Don't get, or let her, caught up in a battle over custody. Its your daughters day, she has the choice to spend it with her or not at that point, your not depriving her of anything she cant choose to do.

[labug]

Hey, I was looking for you a while back. Good to hear from you.

I'm following Fly around today, agreeing.

She left me, abandoned me. She threw me out like yesterdays garbage. At least, that is how I feel. She also took my daughter from my life, half of the time and inserted her almost immediately into another persons world with new people, places and interactions. That really makes me dislike her, deep down.

Yes, I felt that way. It was mine to work through because it reflected how I saw myself. It wasn't the truth. Work on that. Get an IC yet?

It's your day with your D, this will come up a lot. Keep to your agreement. Most kids like having 2 birthdays.

I also like the fact that you can see this guy is trying to make a connection with your D. Kids can never have too many people who love them.

[jp787]

Hey SP, glad to see you posting.

I have to agree with Fly.

Keep on working on you and loving your D. The rest will come.

[AnotherStander]

She left me, abandoned me. She threw me out like yesterdays garbage. At least, that is how I feel.

We've been over this so many times in your threads. Early on you acknowledged your contributions to the marriage failing, but somewhere along the way you quit owning your part in it and assigned 100% blame to your W. Blame leads to resentment and anger, but it is misplaced because you carry fault as well. Now you're going to say yeah, but she was the one that left. Yes she was, and she needs to own her part in this. But that doesn't make you blameless, she left because she felt she had no other options. Stay and be miserable, or leave the M and maybe save herself.

Is this normal? Is it necessarily a bad thing?

I would say in the non-DB world it's normal, people who don't DB do tend to blame their spouse for all their problems (the WAS blames the LBS and vice versa), even many years later. But it's pretty unusual in the DB world, you rarely see such sentiments expressed in threads here by LBS's. I think it's because most people that are DB'ing do own their part in the sitch and work hard to make themselves a better person. They forgive, they release blame, they move on and make the most of their life. I'm not saying you haven't done DB'ing, you have. But the blame thing has been a huge issue for you for a long, long time.

Here is another question. W sent me a text message tonight saying that she would like to pick daughter up from school on her B-day and spend time with her until 6pm. It is my day to have daughter, and I planned on having a B-day party for her, and I would need to get her and myself ready. I don't want to keep W from sharing time with her, but is that really a request I should honor, or should I simply tell her no?

You're coparenting now, these types of things will come up all the time. If you set a bad precedence now, there will come a time when you need reciprocation and your W may do the same to you. The two of you can easily fall into the trap of punishing each other by using your D as a weapon. I would allow it as long as it doesn't heavily impact your plans, and if it does then explain why to her and try and negotiate something else. Perhaps it makes more sense for her to pick her up earlier or later.

[Maritimer]

It is normal to have them feelings, you are still in the grieving process. Each case has a different time line. She has hurt you tremendously and now you see her moving on with her life with another male role model in your daughters life. There is some jealousy with that & you would not be human if you never felt that way.

Its amazing how much more attached we become with our children during these tough times.

I agree with an above post, invite baby mama and it would be on her to accept or decline.

Keep up this hard work with class and dignity. Your doing great!

[JayMan]

My XW1 very quickly got involved with OM - he moved in with her, brought his kids in, it was a big happy family - She threw him out 6 months later, and was actually very regretful, and changed how she communicated with me.

In my situation I took a very firm stance. I would not give up my time with my kids unless it was just W and them ~ and I would even tell W that. Why would I give up my quality time to allow W to share it with OM?

Once we were D'd, and had things squared away, we are actually very flexible now, and trade all the time. I will say - I stood up to her A and was very firm, but I did it in a very calm flat manner. Never argued, never yelled, never said anything about W to the kids. W carries a lot of respect for me now because of that. Not sure if that matches your situation obviously, but at least my perspective.

[25yearsmlc]

It has been quite some time since I have posted. I have been bound and determined to GAL and move on, and I have been doing just that...busy busy busy!. The divorce process is undergoing. I have chose not to pay much attention to it, more or less sticking my fingers in my ears and saying, "lalalala". I have been going out a lot and meeting lots of new people. The weeks I have daughter, I am stuck like glue to her. I have not had her with a babysitter even once. My time with daughter is very precious to me, more so than it has ever been.

My interactions with Wife have been very business like. I am cordial and obliging, but far from friendly. I have few words to share with her. I have tried to be considerate of all her requests, and the fact that she is moving on with her own life. She is now living, pretty much, full time at OM's house. He has been gifting my daughter and even threw her a "welcome home" party the last time she came home from her week long visit with me, complete with cake, candles, decorations and party hats. I really didn't know what to say when I found out about that, so I didn't say anything at all. He has also got her involved in BMX. She seems to really enjoy it. It hurts me deeply, but I realize that it's a positive for daughter and at least this guy is trying to make a connection with her. It could be much worse.

I thank GOD you put your daughters welfare ahead of your jealousy.

It's NOT easy to do. Any parent would squirm, but like any mom who leaves her baby with a sitter, I KNOW that having an additional adult love my kid, is a GOOD thing for my kid.

It does not replace my parental love, it adds to the love I give.

I have also been considering other relationships, even been on a few dates. On one hand I think I am ready, not for something serious or long term, but to at least re-enter the dating scene. I have whole heartedly realized that W isn't coming back, and even if she did wish to reconcile, I honestly don't think I could take her back. It has just gone past the point of saving the marriage. Too much damage has been done.

Okay. Enough said. So be it.


one thing that is bothering me, and I would like to ask for some advice.

think about this. You want "advice" about your next comments...really?


This last week, I have really felt a change in feelings for my wife once again. This is somewhat strange to me, because I have distanced myself so far from her that I don't really think that much about her anymore. This is something new that seemingly came out of nowhere. I am also starting to wake up in the middle of the night with her on my mind. I am starting to feel hatred towards her. This isn't the old feelings of hurt being turned into anger. I literally am starting to dislike her as a person. The reason being, she chose (whether anyone here agrees or not) to leave the relationship. She left me, abandoned me. She threw me out like yesterdays garbage. At least, that is how I feel.

WE KNOW that's how you FEEL.

As for "Advice"...um, I think you have converted your pain into anger which converted into rage and now seems like hatred.

IMO It's your ego making things more familiar to you - b/c your anger is much more familiar to you than a broken heart.

My "advice" is to keep growing spiritually and STOP making your wife WRONG to have left you. Period.

ALL your focus should be on your own growth and your d's well being. Period.


She also took my daughter from my life, half of the time and inserted her almost immediately into another persons world with new people, places and interactions. That really makes me dislike her, deep down.


Well...um, geez...howw can I say this??

Uh, here goes...

SO WHAT? She left you b/c she says you treated her badly over a period of time -
and now she's with a man whom she SAYS treats her better. With me, so far?

You still want her to be wrong?

I think that is b/c hatred and negative emotions are what your family has taught you to do, in some sort of "safety vest" modus operandi. You have said as much in the past about how they handle things and how YOU want to be different and more positive in life. Don't forget that wish.

I don't share the negative approach and don't want assignment of blame and not taking any.

You SAY you own your mistakes but I don't buy that. Whenever you feel sad, I think it's you beginnning to own something--

but being sad feels SO uncomfortable to you, that you revert to the angry "needs to be right" guy. Again.

What's so bad about having blown it? I mean, it's like it kills you to admit being wrong.

What's so bad about taking your w for granted and mistreating her and being a lousy h FOR AWHILE?

It's not the worst thing IF YOU CHANGE....but it does cost you a lot.
The longer you fight this reality, the more you can "hate" the mother of your child.

But don't pretend to be a better man for this OR that you are putting your d ahead of your wounded ego. B/c you're not.


I am doing a great job of controlling my feelings towards her. I never speak a bad word. I don't act out in anger. I think everyone would be surprised to know how I am truly starting to feel about her. Is this normal? Is it necessarily a bad thing?

Do you honestly wonder if this is a GOOD thing? I don't.


Here is another question. W sent me a text message tonight saying that she would like to pick daughter up from school on her B-day and spend time with her until 6pm. It is my day to have daughter, and I planned on having a B-day party for her, and I would need to get her and myself ready. I don't want to keep W from sharing time with her, but is that really a request I should honor, or should I simply tell her no?

I don't give a rat's behind....who has "that day" IF it's her birthday? I mean are you suggesting NOT sharing your d on her birthday b/c you two cannot be around each other? How's that going to feel when it doesn't land on "your" day?

Isn't it really your daughter's day?

Well if it is the case that you cannot be around your w b/c you "hate her so deeply", then

your d's birthdays will always be painful reminders of her parents putting their resentments ahead of their love for her.

IF your biggest goal is making sure your d feels loved BY BOTH PARENTS

do whatever it takes to make that reality.

[swoop]

As always, thanks everyone for the insights and advice. I decided to contact my STBXW with this reply to her request.

"I am going to have to get back to you about D birthday. You probably shouldn't make any concrete plans until I know what our schedule of events will be. I will let you know as soon as possible."

She went on to make a point that we will be sharing time with daughter for a long time, years and years. I said that I agreed, and that as soon as I knew what we were doing I would make some arrangements with her to see D.

[sayitaintso]

I know exactly how you feel in alot of aspects SP. It's a long process. And not a linear one.

We will get there if our desire is strong enough and we keep working at it.

Best