Should I confront or not?

[peaceSJ]

Thanks, Starsky.

Some updates. Today H went to one of our common best friends. H didn't deny the OW to the friend. But he sais it is too late to save our M. H wanted the friend to talk to me and confirm me that D/S is not bad for us.

Why did he do that?

[MrBond]

Because he doesn't want to be seen as the "bad" guy. He's playing the victim role still. What did you tell his friend?

[peaceSJ]

I told my friend that if he wants to move out and has more space, that's fine; but I cannot accept that he lied to me.

BTW, I need to have a business trip for two days, but he said he already booked a tour on the same week and cannot change the schedule. I know it is only a sightseeing tour. But he wants to to cancel my business trip, otherwise nobody will take care of the kids.

I told him if he needs to go out, he should let me know in advance. So we can arrange our time for the kids. But he replied since I don't agree to divorce, he doesn't want to share his schedule in advance.

I want to set up boundries/time schedule with him, but he didn't cooperate at all. Now most of time I have to drop off and pick up the kids, and it did affect my work.

[peaceSJ]

[quote=Starsky309

He's just talking tough, because:

a) he thinks you don't know what your legal rights are (DO you?); and

b) he thinks you'll never enforce your boundaries.


Starsky [/quote]

Starsky, thank you for your replies.
Honestly I am not sure about the legal rights. What is it? Also he insisted only if I agree to D, then he will work with me for the parenting plan. Is it rediculous?

[Starsky309]

I told him if he needs to go out, he should let me know in advance. So we can arrange our time for the kids. But he replied since I don't agree to divorce, he doesn't want to share his schedule in advance.

Tell him "this has nothing to do with divorce, or us as husband and wife. This is about effectively co-parenting our children, and I'm sure we'd both agree that we both want to do what's best for them. Having a parenting schedule, in advance, will give them structure and help them feel secure thru this difficult time."

You need to try to separate the HUSBAND/WIFE/MARRIAGE stuff from the PARENTING stuff. Just because he wants to flee from the former, doesn't mean he gets a pass on the latter.


Starsky

[MrBond]

EXACTLY what Starsky said.

[peaceSJ]

Finally H will move out next week. The two kids (5 & & yrs old) will stay with me. His plan is that I drop off kids to school every morning, he'll pick u kids from afterschool at 6:30pm every day and take them home. He will stay at home with them until they go to sleep. And as for weekend, he wants to share the timeshare, he will take one weekend and I take another weekend.

I want to set some boundries. My thinking is that I don't want him to come every day since he decides to move out, we don't need to meet every day. I hope every two days of week he can drop of and pick up kids, the other three days I do it.

Any suggestions/inputs are grealy appreciated.

[Starsky309]

Peace,

My advice would be to talk to a good FT (family therapist) about the arrangement. Well-intentioned parents can easily cross the line between "wanting to make it easier on the kids" and "CONFUSING the CR*P out of the kids," and causing real emotional harm.

I do also think your husband needs to feel the consequences of the decision he's making to flee his family, and this type of arrangement really doesn't do that.

Please talk to someone much smarter (and more experienced) than me on this one.

Starsky

[peaceSJ]

Hi Starsky,

Thank you very much for your reply. FT is a very good idea. I'll seek their consultation.

If anybody here has the similiar situation like me, I'd appreicate if you can share your experience.

Thank you!

[catperson]

Is there a reason you can't pick them up yourself?