Hello fellow Gemini! Thanks for the horoscope--it fit me pretty well too. I'm an old timer back for a recharge and to encourage others to "fight the good fight" and boy did I find pearls here! You guys are awesome! Best Wishes, 2L
Hi Sage, I'm sorry things have been so difficult with you of late. I am wrestling with my own demons too. But I am happy to hear you say that you had a great day with the hubby.
You describe the feelings of insecurity so well. I am feeling the same but I know it isn't forever. I am (slowly) beginning to realize that the one person who can make me feel more secure is the very person who cannot because she has her own demons to fight.
I don't want to overwhelm her with my sorrow and pain; I am learning that I have to trust that she knows what I am going through. I also have to allow myself to feel the pain. And now I know I have to begin to open myself and trust her, or I will never be able to move on to forgiveness. That's hard for anyone in our shoes, especially if you are anxious and insecure to begin with.
This is where we have to be to find peace. If you are having trouble seeing the great person that you are, then let each of us on this BB tell you what we see:
I see a woman of great strength and even greater honesty, who is honorably fighting to save her marriage.
Quoting sadbuthopeful: I see a woman of great strength and even greater honesty, who is honorably fighting to save her marriage.
SBH, I have read these kind words from you over and over again -- each time with tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for letting me see myself through your eyes.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, yesterday ended well -- dinner (grilled shrimp for me and grilled burgers for h) was great. We lounged around and watched a movie then NYPD blue. H was affectionate the whole night.
Woke up this morning and we both went to the gym. I've gotten an "in bed hug" two mornings in a row (a kiss each day, too!). This makes me feel so wonderful. I had been missing that affection SO much.
H is off to his old job today...maybe tomorrow too. I don't know how he's feeling about it...I didn't bring it up. I'm handling it all ok right now.
Came face to face with one of the root causes of my anxiety this morning reading another M. newsgroup -- someone was "role playing" what a person whose S. had cheated might be thinking...in it the person said something like "I wish I could stop feeling as though he has one foot out the door. I know that I have to let my guard down to heal this marriage but it feels impossible when I wonder every day if today is the day he's leaving".
Couldn't have summed up my feelings more perfectly. H's "well, I'm here now, aren't I?" stance isn't comforting to me... I wish that I had words of reassurance from him that he is interested in working on the M. But I don't, and I won't, so I'm sitting in the garden of fear and insecurity and anxiety. And it ends up being too easy for me to think "I have to protect myself here -- through distance or anger or leaving first -- emotionally or physically -- before he leaves me".
Of course, none of that gets me closer to my goal, right?
So, I'm trying to bravely face the fear. Not dismissing it, not judging it (or me!), just sitting with it.
I am afraid that H. has one foot out the door. I am afraid that without some focus from him on fixing our M that it will not be healed. I am afraid that if I give myself fully, he will leave anyway. I am afraid to expose myself. I am afraid to open my heart fully.
I know that if I don't, I will not be giving my all to M or H. I know that I have to take the leap -- allowing for the possibility that I may lose everything -- if I'm going to win anything.
I am afraid of being hurt.
I've been listening to a John Gray tape -- the first one was hokey but the second one is pretty good -- talking about blockers to "success". It talks about "distance" or "don't care" attitudes as being a mask for feeling as though you cannot have what you truly want. I wonder if that's what's behind H's stance -- could it be that he's pulled away from M and family because he doesn't think that he can have the kind of M that he really wants?
What does he want? I think he wants to be loved unconditionally, to exist in peace, to be understood, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be loved, to be needed, to be important, to not be immersed in conflict, to be admired, to be successful. What else? Can I give him those things? Can I do it in the face of all of my fear and anxiety?
Boy, I'm babbling on, no?
As for the good things that happened yesterday -- well, the day was chock full of them -- something forward looking...H made a plan for us for Thurs. night -- after my final exam, I'm going to meet him for drinks! I LOVE that he made the plan, I LOVE that he wants to celebrate or commiserate on my final. I LOVE him.
Sage-of-the-longwinded-post
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Was looking a bit at your thread. Just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, unattractive is not an adjective that comes to mind when I think of you. You're beautiful, never forget it.
Quote: I am afraid that without some focus from him on fixing our M that it will not be healed.
calls and e-mails while you are at school... I've gotten an "in bed hug" two mornings in a row (a kiss each day, too!). ...H made a plan for us for Thurs. night
and that's just in this post alone...
some people will read books, write letters, send flowers, be up your but "trying" to fix things...others just take it slowly with actions...they are there if you look.
Quoting sage: I wish I could stop feeling as though he has one foot out the door. I know that I have to let my guard down to heal this marriage but it feels impossible when I wonder every day if today is the day he's leaving".
Couldn't have summed up my feelings more perfectly.
Sage, the DBing you have done up to now has transformed you into wonderful better person. Far better than OW! This new wonderful you has brought him back and by continue to do what works and keep working on yourself will only strengthen his attraction to you.
The source of the insecurities you feel don't come from H or OM but from within. The source is your own self-doubt if the changes you've made are good enough or will continue.
To keep the positives going (and this include remaining positive about how you feel about yourself as well as in M) , keep concentrating on doing what works and continue to strive to work on becoming a better person because you want to strength the attract already has towards you. Keep doing it until is seems like second nature, and you will discover a new level of self-confidence and that self-confidence will strengthen even more the bond that draw him closer and sets the stage to move beyond this. Because of your newly gained self-confidence, you will not need to seek his reassurences and by the building bond between you will feed you more and more of the things he does that lets you know he is happy being with you.
This may sound like theoretical mumble-jumble, by concentrating my thoughts along these lines has worked for me and maybe has help turned it into a self-fulfilling outcome (at least from my side of the R). That's not to say I no longer have doubts (dealing with the current aftermath of her C session on Saturday for instance) , but having more self-confidence has allowed me to handle them without acting out because of them and not allowing them to come between us anymore.
I sure understand the insecurities that you talk about. As a newcomer here, I have respected the advice and wisdom you impart. I read your sitch from start to finish and I see how much confidence you have gained in yourself. I believe that you have the strength to go the distance and make the leap. Don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself time and enjoy the positives that you are experiencing from your H.
Quote: What does he want? I think he wants to be loved unconditionally, to exist in peace, to be understood, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be loved, to be needed, to be important, to not be immersed in conflict, to be admired, to be successful. What else? Can I give him those things? Can I do it in the face of all of my fear and anxiety?
Sage, this quote hit me profundly. During my stress Sat ugly evening with H. H started spouting off things about him self and what he hoped to have. This sounded familiar. I know that you are questioning whether you can provide them. Take a step back from these questions and only look at one at a time. If you were advising me, how would you respond. Take a look at your fear and anxiety. I think as you continue to grow in self confidence these too will disappear.
Thinkg of you and proud of all of you accomplishments this far. I'll stop back, Caz
Do you really feel your H has one foot out the door? 'Cause I don't get that sense from your posts at ALL!
Is it because he hasn't said in words that he wants to be with you...make things work...is committed to this?
IS there anything he could say that would ease your mind? Or IS this really something in YOU that you need to work on?
I don't know the answer, perhaps its a combination of both. Great advice above, I won't dare try to better it!
Shiny
P.S. Love, love love Six Feet Under...think we missed it this week, although it usually shows 2X...last one I saw was when Ruth kept kissing the geeky employee.
Sage, you have clearly expressed what I and lots of others wrestle with. I call it "Paranoid Kelli" coming out. When I'm not overwhelmed by that, I remember all the wonderful things that can be. I'm reminded of the lyrics to "The Rose"
Quote: It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking That never takes the chance.
It's the one that won't be taken, Who cannot seem to give And the soul afraid of dying That never learns to live.
And the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long. And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter For beneath the bitter snow Lies the seed that with the sun's love In the spring, becomes a rose.
You are coming into the spring, and if you stop now, after what you have done, you will miss what might be.
I wish that I had words of reassurance from him that he is interested in working on the M. But I don't, and I won't, so I'm sitting in the garden of fear and insecurity and anxiety. And it ends up being too easy for me to think "I have to protect myself here -- through distance or anger or leaving first -- emotionally or physically -- before he leaves me".
I LOVE that he made the plan, I LOVE that he wants to celebrate or commiserate on my final. I LOVE him.