In and out of fog city

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Looks like my Old thread got locked.

Had dinner out with w tonight. Was friendly and nice. Didn't feel as flirty as last time (about a month ago) but w sent the following text after: "thank you for an enjoyable nite!!! I really miss spending my nites with you. Good night, (my name - full rather than short version)."

During our time together tonight I suggested she come to the house for dinner and she said that she would really enjoy that. I am inclined to invite her over this week (kid free this week). Maybe too soon, but I also want to ride the momentum.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Background for new thread:
Previously I had some kind of expectations built into my thread title. My previous thread was “window of opportunity or just a mirage”. I started that thread, just as I started this one - My wife reached out to me and we met up and enjoyed each other’s company. I had hoped that our meeting would be the beginning of a string of more frequent and positive interactions. We didn’t meet up again until last night. While I remain hopeful, I am trying to not have any expectations about future meetings.

Neither one of us is really clear headed right now, thus my fog city reference (but there is double meaning there; fog city by the bay is the general area the w and I live and where w works)

Old threads

Don't want my second marriage to end in divorce too

Is it too soon to give up hope

Window of opportunity or just a mirage

Timeline summary

BD 2/24/13

Living separately by mid-March (when w was staying in house I was not and visa versa)

Tons of circumstantial evidence about existence of OM by end of March. I confront w about OM. W denies OM but says that she needs that connection (sex) and will be dating.

W moves out of house 4/15/13

End of April I begin following a text messaging strategy that I found on the internet. I had very little expectations about this strategy but it seemed to work very well.

W began contacting me and asking to meet at the gym or for drinks. I did get the ILYBNILWY speech at one point but things kept progressing until the end of June when we had agreed to go to Las Vegas together in late July. She canceled two days before we were to fly out.

Since then I have backed off on the texting and she has pursued a little. We have met for drinks and dinner twice (including last night) since the canceled trip.
This brings us up to date.

(We have not had any negative interactions since the end of March. She did cancel the trip to Las Vegas, but I did not get upset with her. I have not asked her about an OM or her dating. She has volunteered that she is unhappy with her dating.)

[JayMan]

It's interesting that you started a text messaging strategy instead of going dark, etc. What strategy and what led you down that path?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I was almost completely dark for about a month before I started texting. W and I originally met online (MySpace) and we chatted for a while before we ever met. W had told me that she was attracted to my messaging. So I figured what the heck, it might work for me.

During my dark period I had to have some contact, but I was slow to respond, cold in my responses, and responded at strange times (3 in the morning). At one point w got upset with me for being unavailable.

So one day after being dark I sent "heard Tracy chapman on the radio, reminded me of your dad's famous song loops, please say hi to him the next time you see him"..

I got a response in less than a minute and we chatted and then I ended with "got to run to a meeting, catch you later"

Anyway as things got friendlier, with more texts I started sending texts about memories with specific wording patterns and she really seemed to buy in. Things progressed to memories about intimate moments, our wedding etc. in the end it got me a canceled trip to Vegas. But we did go from being cold to each other to being at least very friendly. And we're now dating once a month lol

[JayMan]

That's pretty cool! Good luck! I'd say once a month is better than none!

What work are you doing on yourself at this time? Is your W doing anything?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

The major issues that I needed to work on as pointed out by my w when she left were financial stability and intimacy issues. I am doing pretty well financially right now and saving money. The other issue I have done a lot of reading about. I brought it up to my therapist and she gave me a few tips, but I really need w back in he picture before I can make real progress there.

On the other hand I have done a ton of GAL. Spending lots of time with friends, racing sail boats, going to the beach, and enjoying to beautiful part of the world that I live in. I also have rally stepped it up at the gym and I am in very good physical shape.. There were times over the summer that I may have been doing a bit too much GALing (the not quite as healthy kind of GALing) but I have mellowed out a bit now.

All is good, I would just prefer to have my w back.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Last week my w invited me to her place for dinner but I couldn't go because I needed to feed my teenage kids. Later in the week she suggested we meet for drinks and food this past Tuesday. (Which we did) We had a good time and talked about spending more time together.

The house I live in is a home we remodeled together. She moved out before ever having a chance to enjoy the newly landscaped backyard. While we were together we talked about her coming over for dinner and enjoying the yard.

W is also having some reall issues with her work and is pretty desperate to find new employment. She seems to be needing emotional support that she is not getting elsewhere.

About an hour after we went our separate ways on Tuesday night w text me.

Her: thank you for an enjoyable nite!!! I really miss spending my nites with you. Good night, (my name - full rather than short version)

I text her back Wednesday morning

Me: I enjoyed seeing you too (her name). Come have dinner with me.

She has not responded, so now I wait. This brings me up to date.

[JayMan]

I think it's fair to want to move things up a little if it's been a month normally between dates, but I would've maybe waited another day or two.

From AnotherStander on another post:

"A very common mistake with LBSs is they think after a few weeks or months it's OK to start pursuing again, but it is NOT. The WAS will let the LBS know if they've decided to work on things, until then the LBS needs to give them tons of time and space and quit pursuing them and reminding them that they're waiting for them. It's clingy, needy, unattractive behavior when the LBS does that. The LBS needs to become strong, self-sufficient and independent like they were when they met the WAS. THAT is what is attractive to a WAS." (AS)

I'm not saying you're charging in, and I haven't done a very good job of this either, but be careful!

[Pudmuddle]

Yeah true that Jon. And no I'm not following you, lol.

And 2nd, you had a terrific time with your W. And now you have put it out there for her to come over again. Have no expectations on if she will or if she won't.

I would detach ever so slightly just for her breathing room.

Sounds like you had a wonderful, enjoyable time connecting.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Totally agree with this:

From AnotherStander on another post:

"A very common mistake with LBSs is they think after a few weeks or months it's OK to start pursuing again, but it is NOT. The WAS will let the LBS know if they've decided to work on things, until then the LBS needs to give them tons of time and space and quit pursuing them and reminding them that they're waiting for them. It's clingy, needy, unattractive behavior when the LBS does that. The LBS needs to become strong, self-sufficient and independent like they were when they met the WAS. THAT is what is attractive to a WAS." (AS)

I'm not saying you're charging in, and I haven't done a very good job of this either, but be careful!

But I am just not sure where I am. Once w started pursuing, what I should do is more questionable to me. What I see a lot of people doing that fails every time is that they focus on the marriage. They come at it with a "lets save the M because it is the right thing to do." attitude. That is not my focus. My goal is to date and build attraction for a new relationship. I would never expect my w to "want to work on things" before she felt attracted to me again. I need to figure out what works in my situation and do that. I just need to get better at reading my w's signals so I can tell what is working and what is not.